Ten features of a good relationship

Indeed guys! This post is anything but ground-breaking. Around the Internet you might find hundreds of such lists, all serving as guidelines what a happy romantic relationship should stand for. But since human being vary between one another and for each of them different aspects of relationship are of importance, I am taking the liberty of sharing ten features that matter to me.

1. Communication, construed as frequent conversations with a partner, articulating your expectations. Casual talks on how your day was are not enough. In order to built a lasting relationship one must not have inhibitions to put across what they need, what they want, but also what infuriates them. A partner ought to be your best friend, your shoulder to cry on. Besides, good communication means you can argue, even clash, but must not involve raising your voice or offending a partner. Not being on speaking terms for a period longer than a few hours does not bode well for a relationship as well.

2. Empathy, which seems crucial since in the long run friendship is what remains, while desire slowly burns out and daily routine drags romantic memories down. Being able to step into your partner’s shoes, imagining how they feel, what quandaries they tackle, what problems they need to overcome is a foundation of a satisfying relationship. The task is sometimes more than difficult, especially if your partner finds themselves in a situation you have never encountered, e.g. bereavement, job loss, etc.

3. Reliability, something totally basic, yet indispensable. The gut feeling that if things go wrong your partner will be the first person you can turn to and will not leave you out in the cold. Relationship is not built through common pleasant moments of carefree dating. It takes shape when you are ill, broke, when you suffer and the other person grabs your hand and does not let go.

4. Respect to your partner’s autonomy. Being together does not mean being together all the time. I believe it is healthy for a relationship if each of the partners has an area of their own – their job (which means working together is not the best option), their friends, their hobby. Taking a break (within limits) from your partner makes you appreciate them and decreases the risk of being fed up with them.

5. A common ground. Though differences between partners are inevitable, something must keep them together. Quite often people meet and get to know each other better because of a common hobby, common interests, something that turns them on both. I realise this point is arguable and equally well you could have partner who has dissimilar interests, but something cherished by both partners brings them together.

6. Sexual intimacy, the aspect of relationship which works like a glue, also one of the best barometers of a relationship’s quality. If things are going well, your sexual life will thrive. Nearly all problems in this sphere, unless caused by the lousy external factor called stress, mirror unresolved disagreements and other strains between partners.

7. Common approach to money. This is the first of down-to-earth things on which a mature relationship rests. Couples too frequently row over stance towards money and spending habits, to make it a negligible part of life. Also psychologists and couple counsellors underline importance of this little thing that can tear two people apart so easily.

8. A common stance towards raising children. Upbringing your offspring is a process in which both parents ought to participate and which should be carried out in an uniform manner (the sentence could be picked out as an example of academic twaddle). If your partner and you differ fundamentally in any areas, I believe you should talk it over how you will compromise or overcome differences before you decide to bring up children. A child who receives dissimilar messages from parents usually suffers and I suppose its psyche should be spared such experiences.

9. Sharing duties, the mundane ones. In the era of equal rights and opportunities gone is the model in which a woman runs a house while a man is the breadwinner. Today both females and males fulfil their professional potential, therefore washing, cooking, ironing and cleaning (let alone looking after children) are the duties they both ought to be taught to fulfil and share between each other. Even if you afford to hire somebody to clean your house, iron your shirts and get other things done, you should not forget how do handle the down-to-earth stuff, since you never know when you either no longer afford to have a third-part housekeeper or for some other reasons you will have no choice but to embark on it.

10. The healthy balance between accepting your partner they way they are and going beyond your comfort zone to meet your partner’s expectations and make the relationship better is an art. Striking such balance without overstraining oneself does more good than harm, but based on what I have observed around, is a challenge few people dare to accept.

Meanwhile, on my own front. Still less than a year of being together, less than two months under one roof. There are ups and downs, better and worse days. I have never expected a bed of roses. Each day I fear the worst and hope for the best, sometimes I ease off and lower the bar, sometimes I clam up in my own shell. But all the time I bear in mind loneliness, though filled with sadness, is a whole lot better than an awful relationship.