To a wedding

Just returned from a wedding ceremony and reception, the first one I attended since 2016.

Weddings have gained notoriety in the summer of 2020, as several of them were hotbeds of COVID-19 infections, leading to several participants being quarantined and some, sadly, hospitalised or deceased. Needless to say, a wedding is the last event during which a sanitary regime can be stuck to. I turned up there fully aware of risk and supposing that most guests (especially those who do not reside in Warsaw or around) have not been vaccinated. Well, hopefully with still low daily stats of new cases, we have not run across a super-spreader.

The one to get married was my girlfriend’s cousin. The nuptials ceremony was called off two times and finally the day named as restrictions eased. It was the first wedding since many years in their family, hence the excitement was palpable. For me, truth be told, such events are a no big deal I do not feel tempted to have my own memorable, lavish reception. Instead, I prefer a modest ceremony for family and friends. Besides, spending between fifty and one hundred thousand zloty for a one-night show appears to me as a far bigger waste of money than buying a SUV (though a wedding does not harm environment as an SUV does over its life cycle).

The wedding we attended was a typical zastaw się, a postaw się (literally run into debts to impress guests) one, albeit the expense was decreased by the venue of the reception which was in the middle of nowhere somewhere beyond Wyszków (fortunately, close to S8 expressway, whose proximity guarantee a fast comeback in the middle of the night).

I must admit this was the most weird wedding reception I have ever attended. As a company to my girlfriend, I knew nobody except for her, her mother, brother and his girlfriend, but truth be told, most guests seemed to know nobody except for their closest companions. On top, my girlfriend and her relatives shared my opinion nearly everybody had turned up to the reception treated their attendance as an unpleasant obligation to be ticked off and left behind. This was visible particularly on a dancing floor, where droves of people definitely were not witnessed. Also most people pushed along just after midnight to put themselves out of misery and return home early enough not to spend the entire Sunday morning sleeping off the event.

I wonder how many couples manage to tie a knot before restrictions are imposed again, if the Polish government decides (or is forced to) to bring some businesses to a halt if hospitalisations and death toll on account of COVID-19 begin to rise. Look at the approach of the British government which is set to lift all restrictions in a week, despite more than 30,000 new infections daily reported recently, with hospital admissions just creeping up (they rose 3 times, while new infections rose 16 times since trough in early May 2021) and deaths holding low thanks to vaccinating the 50+.

Olsztyn, wedding

As planned, headed for Olsztyn for the weekend, to celebrate one of the most important moments in my friend and fellow SGH graduate, Ola’s life.

The road – I chose the most convenient way of getting there, i.e. went by my own car. No need to wait for any other means of transport, carry the luggage, rely on someone else, plus if you take a passenger (I did so), costs of fuel can be divided into two or more people. The obvious drawback is that you have to be careful with drinking, which I didn’t mind anyway, as my body’s tolerance for alcohol has disturbingly decreased recently. I eventually confined to six brims of vodka and had no hangover, nor other signs of post-alcohol fatigue, despite not sleeping a wink.

The distance between Warszawa and Olsztyn can be easily covered within three hours. Several people warned me of notoriety of that road (I hadn’t travelled it since 2002), but the drive went very smoothly. On Saturday on the way to Olsztyn we encountered a traffic jam in Łomianki, two downpours and snarled-up traffic between Nidzica and Olsztyn. While returning to Warsaw, the traffic was sparser than I’d expected. Maybe this road is infamous on account of reckless drivers making risky overtaking manoeuvres. I saw a few such incidents, but these were feats of much too hasty drivers. If you want to overtake safely, traffic conditions allow you to do so.

The section between Warszawa and Płońsk is either an expressway or a dual carriageway, the rest of the road is a single carriageway. Only the section between Olsztynek and Nidzica is being adjusted to the standards of an expressway. The new road was due to be opened in July, but the contractor negotiated postponing the deadline until late November. Pace of work is appallingly sluggish (even making allowances for the weekend) and sight of no workers and few machines hasn’t filled me with optimism.

The city. Olsztyn has almost 200,000 inhabitants and is probably still depopulating. It appears kind of small, cosy and picturesque, as it is located on a hilly land. Having the checked in to the hotel and spruced ourselves up, with some our of spare time to make use of, we set off to town to stroll around Olsztyn’s historical part. To the right – sitting in the café in the town square. Lots of tourists and locals roam around or sit outside restaurants and cafes. This is the only part of town that seems enlivened.

Strolling back towards the car park. Architecture reminds this used to be a German city. Streets are narrow and should be reserved for pedestrians and cyclists only. The invader on Warsaw plates surely couldn’t understand their vehicle was a blot on the landscape and had to park as near their destination as possible. To the left – an Open Finance (financial intermediary) branch. The only thing I was missing there was an Amber Gold branch. The company, currently in the state of self-declared liquidation would rent retail space in prime locations. Now the branches are closed an empty and people who entrusted their savings to the dodgy company should have no hopes to get their money back. As I later learnt, the only Amber Gold branch in Olsztyn was in a shopping mall some one mile away from the old town and in the vicinity of the church where Ola and Arek were getting married.

Saturday, half past seven in the evening and the city is empty and quiet. On Saturday evenings Warsaw also comes to a moderate standstill, but in Olsztyn you can hear your thoughts. The only people on the streets are drunkards hanging around, traffic is very sparse. On our way to the wedding reception we pass by a fine-looking town hall, so while waiting for the traffic light to turn green, I snap the historical building, lit by setting sun.

The venue – a nice hotel with two wedding halls on southern suburbs of Olsztyn, just next to the road out to Warsaw. For privacy reasons I’m not publishing any photos from the wedding. The choice of the place was surely excellent, the key advantage was the accommodation for guests on-site, meaning you could move from the dance floor to your room within a minute.

The event – memorable, stunning and well-organised. Not only in terms of pure logistics which was beyond reproach, the event owes its splendour to the newlyweds who carefully paid attention to all guests with topmost class. Manners matter and this time hosts met the highest standards. I’m approaching zeniths of the flattery, not only because I promised the bride not to say a bad word about the event, but just because I haven’t noticed any shortcomings, and if everyone around shared my view, I was lucky to attend a perfect wedding.

The bride and groom – looked genuinely happy. It may sound like a daydream, but I hope their marriage will be the bed of roses ever after.

For me the trip and the event were a great breakaway and rest after all the recent bitter-rather-than-sweet goings-on at work and not only. With batteries charged up I can (reluctantly) return to work tomorrow and tackle challenges with more energy.

PS. During the reception I caught the broom’s bow tie, so according to the Polish superstition, I’ll be the first bachelor to tie the knot. But it’s just the superstition…

Olu, Arku, jeszcze raz dziękuję i życzę Wam wiele szczęścia na Nowej Drodze Życia

Wedding after-thoughts

And so the season of knot-tying in 2012 kicked off. For no apparent reason, each such ceremony brings forth several more or less incongruous considerations in me.

Before the event I thought my friend’s wedding would be a great opportunity for our class to meet up. Unsurprisingly, as I pitched up to the scene, I went through a reality check. Albeit I can’t say this was a big let-down, par for the course, given six years that have elapsed since we went separate ways. There were five of us, including me, all boys, the four other still staying in quite close friendship with the groom. So most bonds in my high-school class have broken up…

The number of guests generally wasn’t staggering. Actually this was the third consecutive wedding I attended with a quite low turnout. So the ones that come over are usually family and close friends, plus, judging by the behaviours of some attendees, some onlookers. It’s nice to have a crowd, but I’m bracing myself for a sparse one on my own wedding… Fellow bloggers will be invited anyway.

A wedding is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime ceremony. So how the hell can somebody turn up half an hour late for it? Prudent people take precautions and try to anticipate hitches when they plan. I set off from home 50 minutes before the beginning of the mass in the church and my journey went on smoothly until I got stuck in stationary traffic on Dolinka Służewiecka. Eventually, instead of being 30 minutes earlier, I came less than ten minutes earlier, but still was punctual.

Attire and general appearance. Maybe I’m too conservative, but I’m of the opinion casual clothes, dishevelled hair and dirt behind nails are not the apposite type of look a wedding guest should present. Dark suit, white shirt, impeccably knotted tie and properly polished patent leather shoes are a must. Maybe some people refuse to wear such clothes because they feel ill-at-ease when they put them on, maybe for some people occasions to wear elegant outfits are so rare that it makes no sense to keep them in the wardrobe, but gosh… The way you dress reflects upon your respect for fellow people and bears testimony of your sense of situation. Being overdressed maybe be as bad as being underdressed, but in the case of wedding, I’d focus on the latter risk.

Get-together with high-school classmates reminded me, again, people are made of different substances. In primary school I met children from my neighbourhood, from wealthier and poorer families, whose parents were university graduates or vocational school-leavers, from “normal” or pathological families. In middle school my entourage stayed roughly the same. Then I got in to a relatively good high school in Warsaw. More of my classmates had wealthier, better educated parents, lived in Warsaw or on the suburbs and virtually all of them were clever or hard-working. Then I went to Warsaw School of Economics, where I encountered the pick of Poland’s youth interested in economics, finance and other similar sciences. The further I went, the more high-flyers I could meet on my way. Some of my friends from primary school ended up as hairdressers or roofers, some are housewives. My high-school classmates are set up well in life mainly thanks to support of their parents. What I owe to my mother and father is negligible to what they got, but I don’t envy them. If better shapes you up, if you achieve something in life with your bare hands, but most people would prefer to live conveniently and have their parents paying for that.

And one more thing – what’s so poignant about weddings that so many people cry? Again, the bride interchangeably wept and laughed and this time several men shed tears. Why? Leave out crying is considered unmanly, but I can’t discern the reason. What’s so moving about two people of different sex promising each other love, faith and staying together till death tears them apart? I can only admire them for their bravery. Simply I never met somebody with who I would want to share my good and bad days, with who I would like to grow old. Once I met a girl I felt would make a great wife and good friend, which is essential for spending the rest of life together, but never felt something people call ‘love’ could last until the end of my days.

My mastery in economics doesn’t allow me to know the price of everything and the value of nothing, but I feel as a downright cynic right now. I saw some marriages breaking up, saw some of them swearing before God they wouldn’t part. Having observed this, marriage vows, especially spoken out in a church (where they swear before God, not before a clerk in a registry office) resound to me like hollow words. Now, you’re in love (incidentally, yesterday’s wedding was organised in haste, due to bride’s pregnancy), you’re intoxicated, one day infatuation is gone and you’ll have to share ups and downs of ordinary life, put up with habits and traits of your spouse. Time puts people to tough tests and maybe this is the reason why I would be wary to promise ‘forever and ever’…

Yesterday I had the impression my classmates haven’t grown up since we finished school. Time to get off their backs. Having written the paragraph above, I proved my own immaturity. Bartuś, time to grow up…

Manners, they matter

Last Monday I mentioned the wedding invitation I’d received out of the blue then. My first reaction was to attend the event, but on second thoughts… I turned down the invitation, just like three-fourth of the invited with the appalling five-day advance notice.

I don’t know whether anyone recalls the commemorations of 90th anniversary of regaining independence by Poland, held in Teatr Wielki in Warsaw in November 2008. The celebration was staged by late president’s office and heads of other states received invitations two or three weeks before the event, so most eminent politicians whose calendars are carefully filled in many months’ advance, failed to show up. The absence of many figures was the price paid for ignorance of diplomatic protocol. But at that time bad organisation resulted only in a diplomatic slip-up, but some seventeen months later, the Polish (and Russian as well) bylejakość (what’s the English for this???) led up to a huge tragedy…

On second thoughts it occurred to me this I would have to bring forward handling lots of things I’d had planned for the current weekend. If I was to attend the wedding, I’d have to think about a small gift (or chip in with someone), iron a better shirt kept in the chest of drawers for special occasions, vacuum-clean my car inside and wash its bodywork (after being washed in early November 2011, it’s surprisingly clean)… And given the scarcity of time in the evenings on weekdays, this would have to be completed by early afternoon on Sunday. The outing began to seem impractical.

Having in mind the form (creating the event of facebook and putting all friends on the list of invited guests) and the jaw-dropping advance notice, I decided to take advice of a few friends (all not knowing the host of the wedding and thus not invited). They all in unison advised me to decline the invitation. Firstly due to the form, secondly on account of when it had been sent.

One of my friends as a matter of principle doesn’t attend weddings for which she receives invitations on facebook. She argues she feels like wypełniacz kościoła, literally ‘church filler-in’, or more deftly, ‘crowd-maker’. Others told me by inviting so people so late, my high-school friend had showed little respect for other people’s time. And I have to say my time is precious enough not to waste it with someone who doesn’t respect it.

No wonder so many of the potential guests refused to show up. Actually most people usually plan something for the weekend and if at the beginning of the week such information comes up, some are likely to be reluctant to drop everything. Maybe many noticed the same what I did – it’s no effort to mark all names on friend list (for my friend 378; who said one’s tribe can’t count more than 150 people?) and invite them. I’m not talking about the costs now. In these times virtually everyone turns thrifty and saves on whatever they can, so I don’t hold it against them that they hadn’t printed invitations and hadn’t sent them out to everyone in beautiful envelopes. It’s always nice to be handed such invitation and I even keep the ones I received, but being notified in a more modern way is not the reason to take umbrage. But that very invitation wasn’t personal at all. I’m not sure my friend realised she had invited me at all. It’s always to have a crowd in the church, it’s always nice to deceive oneself that you have a lot of friends (half of them would be hanging around and backbiting you, but good impression for aunties remains), but Good Lord, etiquette matters.

When speaking about financial aspect of weddings, it has to be underlined lavish weddings for 200 guests, costing tens of zlotys, an equivalent of price of a brand-new compact car, are becoming the thing of the past. This trend proves positive impact of the crisis (it can be seen negative by wedding-organisers whose firms may drop like flies). I attended three such weddings in 2007 and 2008 and remember them as a huge waste of money. Squandering fifty thousand zlotys for a one-night event to have some nice photos, film or memories for the rest of life (an upbeat assumption, as one of those three marriages broke up, for the other couple life’s not a bed of roses and only the third bygone newlyweds are living a happy life) still seems to me at least silly. Young people and their parents have finally realised that it’s better to spend the same money on a few square metres of own flat or in another wise way, for something durable, rather to throw it about within one night.

And actually what has put me off attending the wedding yesterday was how it would be perceived among my ex-classmates. This would have been a great opportunity to show off. Good clothes, good jobs, money, cars – no one would fail to stress how prosperous they are, or if in fact they aren’t, they would lean over backwards to pretend they are.

Next week I’m attending the wedding and actually not to keep my head down I’ll fit in to this hideous custom. Or should I defy it, leave the car at home, go by bus in my oldest, worn-out suit and tell my ex-classmates I earn peanuts?

A longer follow-up in two weeks’ time, when I plan to impudently violate one policy…

Some tie the knot, others clam up.

Yesterday I attended one of best friend’s wedding ceremony. Michał turned out to be the first of my close friends to decide to get married so early. I don’t know what prompted their decision, I didn’t dare to ask openly, but to dispel your suppositions I can tell his new wife isn’t up the stump spout; nor even they plan to have children within next five years. But for some reason they surely wanted to have their relationship formalised. Meanwhile I couldn’t attend another wedding which was held in Tomaszów Mazowiecki (ca. 150 kilometres south-west of Warsaw) just an hour later. Another friend and her boyfriend also tied the knot.

The wedding was kind of sad – number of people in a church (Bazylika Archikatedralna im. Św. Jana Chrzciciela in Warsaw Old Town) reached around 60, including around 20 of my age. I didn’t meet any acquaintance from school. I feel sorry for the newlyweds – as far as I’m concerned they had invited much more people and most of them didn’t bother to show up. How come? Will it happen to me one day? Will my friends cut me dead? Will they choose to lie on a beach, go for a weekend or stay at home and stare at the box instead of keeping me company on one of most important days of my life?

I handed them a gift, wished all the best in the new leaf they were turning over and headed back home. Michał and his new wife settled on not throwing a wedding reception and money not lashed out for one-night extravaganza they spent on refurbishing a flat Michał’s wife inherited after her late grandparents. Not luxurious and located on Bródno, but their own, they don’t have to take out a mortgage, which is a really great advantage. Here I go along with their decision, but many guests could have thought there was no point in going to the church if the newlyweds didn’t provide any blow-out and disco.

For the second consecutive day I passed by the cross outside presidential palace. Still thousands of tourists from Poland and abroad hang around there and a few grannies still pray to the cross and involuntarily are photographed by the tourists.

As the title goes some of my peers quite traditionally set up families, but most of us have other priorities in life. We cherish independence, carefree life, career, money, living it up, flexibility, self-development, etc. But isn’t it all about taking a path of least resistance? Isn’t it easier to live on one’s own? You don’t have to mind your second half’s feelings? But is it happier? I know some people are destined to be lonesome and feel best when no one’s around, company of other people winds them up and simply can’t get along with anyone in a relationship, but is it normal? Human being is a social creature, hence I suppose it naturally needs to socialise with fellow social creatures.

I recently had a great opportunity to observe how the pick of my generation behave. I have no idea how discernible my eye that time was, but I strongly and sadly feel we seem to a broken generation. We have no problems making friends, co-operating and communicating with one another, we can absolutely normally have fun. When necessary we are professional and career-minded, when not we have other priorities, but there’s one disturbing trait we have in common. We are all hidden in our own shells. Always smile on the face, always the awe-inspiring look that exudes self-confidence and courage. People who meet us are always amazed at how well we know what we want from life, how clear our visions our are, how eager to move ahead we are.

But who knows about our problems? Who knows when something’s eating us? Who knows when we feel helpless, disillusioned? Who knows when we’re keeping a bold face (cause that’s what we’ve been taught) while deep inside we’re falling apart? For sure at least ninety per cent of us are not callous robots but ordinary humans who hold back their feelings and carry on, even if each and every cell and tissue deep in our chests is aching. Why? Is it a matter of the new culture I wrote about a week ago?

I have one close friend whom I can tell everything and who can confide in me and reckon for understanding and honesty. I have a few close friends with whom I can talk about some personal issues, but not very intimate, those are people I can rely on in slightly difficult situations, but if push came to a shove I’d be wary of turning to them for help. I have many friends with whom I talk about what are not problems – the fact I bought some stocks and their price dropped is not a problem (unless I invested all my savings in one security and the price really tumbled). And I meet tens of people with whom I just have small talks and do businesses. Our co-operation is based on mutual indifference – meeting up and going separate ways. I don’t think it’s bad, if we wanted to take care of everyone’s quandaries we’d soon go crazy, but… have you ever thought about it in such a way?

I heard several times opinions modern, young career-focused single women are unapproachable and I can’t find any argument to give lie to that (widespread?) opinion. What do we think we stand for by doing so? Have some of us built a glass wall aroudn them? Are we proving our toughness or are we desperately trying to conceal our fragility? What is it going to lead my generation up to? Are we a broken generation? Who the hell can break through the shell?

Strange are these days for me. I’m not down in the dumps but I feel a kind of anxiety, for many months or even years I haven’t felt that insecure. Plus for four days in a row I drank. On Wednesday and Friday socially, on Thursday and yesterday without any company, just to bring the “proper” frame of mind. From today on I’m going to give it up as this certainly shouldn’t become a habit. Does something need to be rearranged? Am I at a crossroads? No matter what happens I’ll be carrying on, as I’ve been doing for years. But when will I run out of strength?