The dust has settled

Nearly four weeks past the break-up… Tenants of my girlfriend found a new dwelling easily, so she could move to her own flat last weekend. This weekend with some help of a friend of mine, who owns a lorry, we are finalising the moving. During three weeks under one roof, quality of our friendly relationship was pathologically good. All tensions have eased, but knowing the mechanics of decreasing expectations and eased pressure, we were not misled and both remain confident our romantic relationship was a dead-end street.

Actually we could have carried on as flatmates, however this would be tremendously insalubrious, as there were plenty of reasons to terminate that relationship and actual decoupling is a vital element of the break-up.

As it happens in such situations, I swing between conflicting feelings, from deep relief to hollowness. As my ex-girlfriend’s belongings were packed into boxes, the flat, chests of drawers, bookcases, wardrobe closets, they have all become underwhelmingly empty. It will take some time and I will take my time to come to terms with it.

In such circumstances most people get involved in doing things to drown out their emotions. New hobbies, taking up doing new sports, workaholism, compulsive shopping, rushing into dating, travels, addictions, catching up or starting out with stuff out of reach when they were in a relationship. It takes some courage to confront with one’s emotions, work them through and emerge wiser as you get past them.

Theoretically, I am single, practically I am still taken, since emotionally I am not ready for a new relationship and get on with myself reasonably well. The coming weeks or months, will be a time of focusing on myself, getting to know myself better, realising what my needs are. I have neglected myself in that relationship a bit, so before I’m back on the market, I need to restore the internal balance.

When the love runs out

With hindsight, dissimilarities between were so stark that calling ourselves a perfect match would have been a gross exaggeration. As we shook off the fascination and affection of the first months together, ample differences grew apparent, while the power of attraction waned. Facing the daily grind, while living under one roof has accelerated the realisation of the inevitable.

We talked a lot. We had many sincere conversations many couples probably do not have over their lifetime. It has not helped though. For several reasons, including my inhibitions, I was repeating a mistake of holding back speaking out about stuff which annoyed me, thus accumulating my anger.

The very decision to break up was mine, yet my ex-girlfriend, having got over the initial tremor, acceded to it and after a day or two, internalised it. I feared we would spark a hell on earth in my fifty square metres. Instead, we went separate ways peacefully and calmly. Had it happened a few months earlier, we would have fought for it, there would have been screams, shouts and tears. As the romantic feeling between us has definitely and (probably) irreversibly burnt out, we have reconciled with the imminent end.

We could be friends, travel companions, even flatmates (actually we acted like flatmates during the last weeks of our romantic relationship’s agony), but we our approaches to life diverged too much to give us a chance to raise a family. The gap between us was too wide, so even if we would both bend over backwards to go on compromise, each of us would depart from their self.

At times that relationship was toxic, at times unbearable, at times I just felt like quitting it right away. We are both smart, so our common senses told us both it would not just be uphill, it would get very steep. After two years and five months together, even with proper climbing equipment the ascent became an onerous ordeal. That slope became just too steep and rocks fell off it too frequently.

On Friday, after three days of getting on with each other surprisingly well under one roof, my ex-girlfriend set off to Wisła (I will miss stays there), mostly for the sake of consistency with the decision taken and mental hygiene.

There will be ups and downs on our ways to mend the broken hearts. We are now facing the unknown, including the uncertainty if we ever find our life companions.

But before we open ourselves for new opportunities, we will need to go through the logistics of the break-up. Tenants occupying my ex-girlfriend’s flat are deeply disconsolate to have to look out for a new dwelling. In question is our trip to USA rescheduled for April / May 2025, but I believe it is too early to resolve if to go there and who the participants will be.

After weeks or even months of struggling doubts I feel a bliss relief, which only validates it has been the best possible decision (given in such circumstances there are basically no good decisions – this one was “least bad”).

Love-life-wise catch-up

I think I last wrote a post dealing with my relationship only in January 2021, after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up for the first time, but not for good. Since then we had our ups and downs, with next “reversed” break-ups in June and August. We endured better and worse days, but it all was going downhill since that time. Eventually, in mid-December we consensually resolved to give it a rest. Prospects were anything, but bright, the burden to carry on our backs was too heavy for both of us.

I did not feel the need to mention it on the blog at that time. The end of the relationship was not a shock, but was a bit of relief. The year-end period at work was busy, Szlachetna Paczka final weekend was just past; I needed to cool down. I knew the break-up was a matter of time and began getting over it well ahead of the actual goodbye. Thus the transition into being a “single” was astonishingly smooth.

More than three months have passed since that moment and believe I can examine the reasons why the relationship had fallen apart. We both talked about it and even agreed it was just meant to fall apart.

My ex-girlfriend for many months before the break-up lacked the feeling of certainty. It held her back from making a step forward, i.e. agreeing to live with me under one roof. When in October I asked her how she would react if I popped a question, she said she would turn it down.

Her lack of conviction towards the relationship with me manifested itself in moodiness, emotional instability and treating me on a verge of emotional violence, something I confess to have put up with for too long.

Before she starts over something new with someone else, she will need to learn that a compromise is essential in a relationship. Sadly, she did not accept me entirely the way I was, but tried to model me on her image of an ideal man.

Given such bitter circumstances, no wonder I got over it reasonably quickly. As we were breaking up, we agreed we would remain friends. Since none of us hurt badly nor harmed the other one, this seemed reasonable, yet I was doing it against myself, as I do not believe in life after love. Time has partly proven me right. A month ago during a casual conversation all of a sudden we both began to dig up the dirt from the past and ended up exchanging grudges against each other.

More than two weeks ago, while volunteering to aid Ukrainians I accidentally met a girl (a fellow volunteer). I thought for a while I would stay emotionally hollow. It has not worked out and I was rejected in a nasty way, but merely finding out there are such righteous, sensitive and kind-hearted people is spirit-lifting.  Hadn't I tried, I would have attained nothing, but with the outcome at least I will not wonder would would have been if...

The moment I met her coincided with a return to Tinder, which is a more shitty area than it was two years ago. More on this in some time. So far no points scored in the application.

It's a heartache

Looked like I have gotten over the break-up and moved ahead. Time has proven wounds could not heal to easily. The very process of getting over gradually was disrupted by the hassle with the newly purchased flat. Negotiations began shortly after I moved out to Bielany, the notarial deed was signed two weeks later, then the very first part of refurbishment ensued. A week ago I ran out of works I could do on my own and could only focus on waiting for crews (delivery of my windows and sills is already delayed by one week!) and arranging stuff for the next stages of works. This coincided with a lighter period at work; consequently I found myself with a bit of more time to think…

The flat purchase was a good decision, a move I should not have put back, but at that very time was a very convenient hideout and time-filler (not necessarily a soul-healer) to drown out my sorrows and regrets.

More than two months after, I still consider my decision to be the best possible (and based on what I know how my ex-gf is doing, time has proven me right), but the heartache refuses to let up. For some reason I have recently recalled mostly the good moments, though the worse ones prevailed in the last weeks of the relationship. Funny how human psyche can play tricks and alter the memory of the past.

As I have definitely not gotten over the break-up, I cannot consider myself ready for a new beginning. It’s not just about “working through” the mistakes of the past and giving myself a rest, it is not about general lack of time I will be plagued by in the coming weeks.

I need to focus on myself, my needs, on what brings me joy and simply do my bit to chase happiness. Do my bit, without seeking company as pre-condition for having good time. And get to grips with my propensity to give and to look after somebody overly.

I have brought back the days after the break-up when I still prepared packed lunch for my ex-gf, ironed her clothes and actually acted as if nothing had happened and with hindsight I have realized how pathological it had been. Now I miss taking care of somebody, inordinately miss it.

Besides, a life companion must not be a person who fills in the emptiness that these days blows me over from inside. Before I reach out for a woman, I must fill the empty space in my soul on my own.

My observations from several occasions to mingle with people do not fill with optimism. In the era when smartphone is the main device facilitating communication (without which talks is hardly imaginable to many younger people), openness of humans around leaves a lot to be desired. I have no idea why so many singles of my age are so selfish, prefer to hide inside their shells rather than making the effort to open themselves to fellow human beings. After many years spent single, such a move is a step out of the comfort zone, however it needs to be taken to change a lonely life. Fear of a change is what keeps people in bad relationships, but also keeps people single. As you decide to get involved with somebody, the fair balance between staying yourself and sticking to your fundamental values and combating the habits developed over years of being single is an art. Realising and pursuing this is, I suppose, crucial to foster a rewarding relationship.

As an anecdote – my friend suggested I install Tinder in my smartphone and try going out with women matched there. My first reaction was that I would not use an application used by seeking a specific form of fun ;-), but heard more and more people use it as regular dating application or to find company. With quite little to lose, maybe this option is worth considering.

Lessons learnt, love-wise, life-wise

A month and a day after the break-up… I don’t regret and though there moments when I feel lonely, hopes for bright future lift me up, while the dead-end relationship kept bringing me down. As the dust has settled and that stage is over, time to share some (blindingly obvious) notions.

Early weeks of the relationship ought to be ideal, butterflies should fly around your stomach, you should be heads over heels in love. If doubts creep in so early, it does not bode well. In other words failure of such relationship is just a matter of time and the sooner it comes about, the better for both parties involved.

The general tenet in any relationship is to accept your partner they way they are, with all their shortcomings. Love is unconditional, so you cannot state: “Yes, but…” and list conditions under which you will embrace your second half. It is a “shape up or ship out” situation. A piece of advice from me: try to balance good and bad traits of your partner; if the former outweigh the latter, go for it.

The feeling of comfort is absolutely essential in the relationship. You must feel at ease when your partner is around and if for any reason it does not come naturally, this is a serious signal the future of the relationship ought to be thought over.

A sustainable relationship rests on a healthy balance between giving and taking. If the balance is not struck for prolonged period of time on a level of relationship as a whole, the party which gives more than gets is bound to grow frustrated and put their misery to an end.

Never try to act not like yourself to live up to your partner’s expectations. No matter how hard you try, you will sooner of later run out of energy to pretend to be a better version of yourself. Bending over backwards will turn your relationship sour.

Living under one roof is one of two biggest test a relationship is put to (the other is birth of a child). The time when your find yourself in a daily routine, down-to-earth stuff needs to be handled and not only good moments are shared is also usually a time when get to know your partner better… Around such time people tend to cease to make efforts to attract your partner, care less, foster the relationship less…

Foundations of a relationship should be built on similarities, while differences tear the relationship apart. Common ground and similar approach to life increase the probability the relationships get ahead. Differences come in useful if thanks to them partners complement each other, but in terms of “approach to life”, differences do more harm than good.

Out of guilty conscience, because you feel sorry for them, out of fear of loneliness and not finding a better partner and several other… are not reasons to be with somebody. Unless you have children, which complicates things a bit or a lot, if not love keeps you together, time to consider whether to quit… And even you wonder frequently “should I stay or should I go”, the answer is already clear – quit!

In spite of the above, the very decision to break up must not be taken in a rush and ought to be well-thought-out. And before a relationship is terminated, mature partners should attempt to fix it (there are exception to this consideration, such as lie, infidelity, etc.). Plus such decision, when taken and communicated to the partner, is irrevocable!

If you decide to live together, the splitting up is not just a matter of a few words and saying “bye”. In many circumstances you just cannot cut yourself off, which might sound as the best option. We lived in one flat for over two weeks after the break-up. With hindsight, though I was reproached by some people for not packing my suitcases and returning to parents’ house immediately, I believe it was the right course of things. Had I been able to cut it off, I probably would have still wondered whether the decision had been good. But after seeing my ex-girlfriend what she was like for a while, my conviction of making a right move on 18 July 2018 has been strengthened.

Looks like I have broken away, but based on my friends’ and mine observations, I am in the minority of people who have had courage to quit. My recently devised concept, backed by suggestions of other persons is that once you decide to break up to fall off the edge of a slow descent and plunge yourself into the realm of unknown, uncertainty. Inevitably you will find yourself in the doldrums far worse than if stuck in a bad relationship, but to sacrifice today to trade it for a chance you a far better future. 

This is illustrated on the chart to the right (copyrights: Student SGH): the red line represents lasting in a dead-end relationship, the green one, breaking up. Short-term effects look tragic, but in the longer run the braver ones win!

And for the record – I regret nothing what has happened between early 2017 when it started and today and no matter what I have lost, I am better off anyway.

My thanks again to Marcin, Ola, Martyna, Patrycja, Krzysiek, some of my workmates and my parents for keeping me company through that difficult time.

5 May 2017 – 18 July 2018

It’s over.

There’s no way back.

Members of former band ABBA interviewed about the lyrics of “The winner takes it all” said no one had been a winner in the divorce of Agnetha Faltskog and Bjorn Ulvaeus. They both had lost, along with their children.

For the posterity, my girlfriend and I split up four days ago. The last weeks had been an enormous struggle and though we both had tried hard, the what had torn us was far bigger that what we had had in common.

Actually the end could have been seen from the beginning as moments in which I had felt truly secure and comfortably in that relationship (with hindsight, if such foundation was a missing piece, it was bound to fall apart) were scarce. The relationship which was tainted in doubts, in which I considered breaking up several times, in which uncertainty was unrelenting.

Half a year ago, after actually the best period in our relationship which oddly enough coincided with the most acute phase of my depression episode, we decided to rent a flat together. Living under one roof has helped us get to know each other better, but also found ourselves tackling the daily grind we both thought we would share by the end of our days.

We had ups and downs, the latter being more frequent, but it all went downhill after our holidays in late May. In early July we nearly broke up but decided to have a long and sincere talk and gave ourselves one last chance. We tried hard and appreciated each other’s efforts, yet that struggle gave little comfort to both of us. Our “recovery plan” could have come in useful for a falling apart marriage, where children and other stuff would be valid points to stay together, but not for two people who have been together for just more than a year.

Burdened by downsides outshining upsides, ever-increasing doubts, uncertainty and discomfort, I resolved to let us both have a chance to find life companions having makings for a perfect match. Time has proven this was a grossly imperfect match.

Needless to say, breaking up has not restored any sense of comfort, certainty, I actually feel even more insecure, not like somebody who has broken free of what has brought them more sorrow than joy. Memories remain...

Enough musings for now. My moods since Wednesday evening have swung from moderate despair to relief and they will continue to do so for a week. Unfortunately, we still live in one flat, though I am intent on finding a flat to rent quickly and move out the next weekend. Yesterday I visited one, yet the impression (dirt in the kitchen, smells of 1980s inside) was awful. Lookout has to go on. In the meantime, I am heading for Wrocław in business, so evenings spent in the city I’m love with should heal my soul a bit.

Once I read if you decide to break up you exchange mediocre today for even worse tomorrow to avoid awful years ahead.

A heartfelt thank you to my dearest friends: Ola, Martyna and Marcin for keeping me company (for long phone calls and messenger conversation) since the first hours of the hapless moment I turned single, and to my parents who offered my support and understanding and have not attempted to assess my decision.