The dust has settled

Nearly four weeks past the break-up… Tenants of my girlfriend found a new dwelling easily, so she could move to her own flat last weekend. This weekend with some help of a friend of mine, who owns a lorry, we are finalising the moving. During three weeks under one roof, quality of our friendly relationship was pathologically good. All tensions have eased, but knowing the mechanics of decreasing expectations and eased pressure, we were not misled and both remain confident our romantic relationship was a dead-end street.

Actually we could have carried on as flatmates, however this would be tremendously insalubrious, as there were plenty of reasons to terminate that relationship and actual decoupling is a vital element of the break-up.

As it happens in such situations, I swing between conflicting feelings, from deep relief to hollowness. As my ex-girlfriend’s belongings were packed into boxes, the flat, chests of drawers, bookcases, wardrobe closets, they have all become underwhelmingly empty. It will take some time and I will take my time to come to terms with it.

In such circumstances most people get involved in doing things to drown out their emotions. New hobbies, taking up doing new sports, workaholism, compulsive shopping, rushing into dating, travels, addictions, catching up or starting out with stuff out of reach when they were in a relationship. It takes some courage to confront with one’s emotions, work them through and emerge wiser as you get past them.

Theoretically, I am single, practically I am still taken, since emotionally I am not ready for a new relationship and get on with myself reasonably well. The coming weeks or months, will be a time of focusing on myself, getting to know myself better, realising what my needs are. I have neglected myself in that relationship a bit, so before I’m back on the market, I need to restore the internal balance.

When the love runs out

With hindsight, dissimilarities between were so stark that calling ourselves a perfect match would have been a gross exaggeration. As we shook off the fascination and affection of the first months together, ample differences grew apparent, while the power of attraction waned. Facing the daily grind, while living under one roof has accelerated the realisation of the inevitable.

We talked a lot. We had many sincere conversations many couples probably do not have over their lifetime. It has not helped though. For several reasons, including my inhibitions, I was repeating a mistake of holding back speaking out about stuff which annoyed me, thus accumulating my anger.

The very decision to break up was mine, yet my ex-girlfriend, having got over the initial tremor, acceded to it and after a day or two, internalised it. I feared we would spark a hell on earth in my fifty square metres. Instead, we went separate ways peacefully and calmly. Had it happened a few months earlier, we would have fought for it, there would have been screams, shouts and tears. As the romantic feeling between us has definitely and (probably) irreversibly burnt out, we have reconciled with the imminent end.

We could be friends, travel companions, even flatmates (actually we acted like flatmates during the last weeks of our romantic relationship’s agony), but we our approaches to life diverged too much to give us a chance to raise a family. The gap between us was too wide, so even if we would both bend over backwards to go on compromise, each of us would depart from their self.

At times that relationship was toxic, at times unbearable, at times I just felt like quitting it right away. We are both smart, so our common senses told us both it would not just be uphill, it would get very steep. After two years and five months together, even with proper climbing equipment the ascent became an onerous ordeal. That slope became just too steep and rocks fell off it too frequently.

On Friday, after three days of getting on with each other surprisingly well under one roof, my ex-girlfriend set off to Wisła (I will miss stays there), mostly for the sake of consistency with the decision taken and mental hygiene.

There will be ups and downs on our ways to mend the broken hearts. We are now facing the unknown, including the uncertainty if we ever find our life companions.

But before we open ourselves for new opportunities, we will need to go through the logistics of the break-up. Tenants occupying my ex-girlfriend’s flat are deeply disconsolate to have to look out for a new dwelling. In question is our trip to USA rescheduled for April / May 2025, but I believe it is too early to resolve if to go there and who the participants will be.

After weeks or even months of struggling doubts I feel a bliss relief, which only validates it has been the best possible decision (given in such circumstances there are basically no good decisions – this one was “least bad”).

Break-up & make-up

I have promised to write a longer post the break-up between my girlfriend and I. In the meantime the topic has been rendered outdated. We have decided to give ourselves a second try.

The decision wasn’t mine and I was not the one to reach out for the attempt to make up. At times I wonder whether such decisions as a matter of principle ought to be reversed, but I also keep in mind a Polish saying which says only a donkey doesn’t change their mind.

Crises hammer nails to coffins of weak relationships and solidify strong relationships. For the time being the relationship has proven strong.

We can draw on the first four good months, over which we have not quarrelled even once, we had mutual respect and seemed to be a perfect match. What went wrong then? To cut a long story short, this is not the right time for the diagnosis, as many questions are still being slowly answered.

As in case of each relationship crisis, two parties are always to blame (and I’m not about to quote a joke which says those are wife and mother-in-law). I need to work on myself and comprehend which of my traits had to be eradicated if I am to live under one roof with any woman and which are neutral and if are picked on, it is her fault, not mine.

I cannot pledge I feel a relief. There is fear of what future holds and uncertainty whether the relationship survives. Finally, I hold dear the universal tenet that upsides of a virus might prevail of downsides.

The pandemic and consequent isolation also change the perspective. Before the break-up was reversed, I had to carry on in absolute isolation, could not do what people used to do to get over in such situation. All forms of socialising were considered irresponsible. I believe, brushing aside the time necessary to get over, I would not reinstall Tinder for several weeks, because of the pandemic (when I was using it, the daily number of new inflection was never higher than 800).

I hereby for the record thank my friends: Kasia, Agnieszka, Marcin and Bartek who have spent hours on the phone keeping my company in that difficult time. Although they will not read it, they realise how grateful I am to them.

Tinder – why I have deleted it

While I last updated on how I was doing with a dating application, I was about to meet up with Girl 10, Natalia. That affection lasted merely 10 days, yet was the most intensive of all lived through this year. The chemistry was in the air from our first date which lasted 3 hours, up until the fifth one. She was 7 months younger than me, held an executive position in one of worldwide corporation, besides was damn smart, inquisitive, businesslike and beautiful (176 centimetres tall, slim, long, blond hair). Going out with her boosted my ego (though I had not planned it), as such woman raises the bar high and very few males could live up to her expectations. I did not feel inferior on account of having a senior rank-and-file position and earning half of what she earned and not driving an Audi A6 being her company. Her approach to relationships, especially her actually unfinished relationship with her ex-boyfriend have prompted me to give up on it. I felt relief after telling we there was no point in meeting any more. Emotionally, I have come out of that affection burnt and bruised. I dug up dirt of my previous relationship or other events I had considered to be closed chapter. Yet, those 10 days gave me a very precious lesson of how I should not feel like while by somebody’s side.

As I was picking up the pieces, left with little hope of finding somebody to be a match to me, I chatted up Girl 11, also Natalia. She was kind of reserved and therefore we met after 9 days of texting at a café. We talked for 4 hours, then I saw her off to the underground. After that meeting we both thought it could developed into nothing more than a friendship. For some reason we gave it a chance and met two days later at her home, talked for 3 hours more, then hugged and in the middle of a night I drove back home. Then a few days later we spent the entire evening on a Vistula-side beach. We have just let things drift and it has shaped up.

We both realise we differ in terms of education, job, earnings, yet we focus on what brings us together, staying aware of our imperfections.

I appreciate she is straightforward, sincere, trustworthy, has outstanding emotional intelligence and has all makings of a good friend.

After 3 months (we first met on 9 July 2020) I still feel some sort of uncertainty (which is natural, yet vividly communicated by her). Also since we spend a lot of time together, also in each other’s home, it seems this relationship is has lasted longer than actually. Quite early, the time of butterflies in the stomach and honeymoon seems to be drawing to a close (hopefully the affection is not burning out). With prospects of an imminent second lockdown (the recent surge in new infections (5,300 yesterday vs. around 2,400 a week ago) we are considering living together under one roof.

Given the pandemic has sadly spiralled out of control, not only in Poland, but across Europe, I have resolved to resume my pandemic diary, which I wrote between mid-March 2020 and mid-May 2020. The days ahead ought to be saved for posterity. Maybe I am a born pessimist, but I fear the worst. The governors will be forced to choose between economic well-being and mental health of all people at the expense of healthcare brought to its knees or saving lives of elderly people.

It's a heartache

Looked like I have gotten over the break-up and moved ahead. Time has proven wounds could not heal to easily. The very process of getting over gradually was disrupted by the hassle with the newly purchased flat. Negotiations began shortly after I moved out to Bielany, the notarial deed was signed two weeks later, then the very first part of refurbishment ensued. A week ago I ran out of works I could do on my own and could only focus on waiting for crews (delivery of my windows and sills is already delayed by one week!) and arranging stuff for the next stages of works. This coincided with a lighter period at work; consequently I found myself with a bit of more time to think…

The flat purchase was a good decision, a move I should not have put back, but at that very time was a very convenient hideout and time-filler (not necessarily a soul-healer) to drown out my sorrows and regrets.

More than two months after, I still consider my decision to be the best possible (and based on what I know how my ex-gf is doing, time has proven me right), but the heartache refuses to let up. For some reason I have recently recalled mostly the good moments, though the worse ones prevailed in the last weeks of the relationship. Funny how human psyche can play tricks and alter the memory of the past.

As I have definitely not gotten over the break-up, I cannot consider myself ready for a new beginning. It’s not just about “working through” the mistakes of the past and giving myself a rest, it is not about general lack of time I will be plagued by in the coming weeks.

I need to focus on myself, my needs, on what brings me joy and simply do my bit to chase happiness. Do my bit, without seeking company as pre-condition for having good time. And get to grips with my propensity to give and to look after somebody overly.

I have brought back the days after the break-up when I still prepared packed lunch for my ex-gf, ironed her clothes and actually acted as if nothing had happened and with hindsight I have realized how pathological it had been. Now I miss taking care of somebody, inordinately miss it.

Besides, a life companion must not be a person who fills in the emptiness that these days blows me over from inside. Before I reach out for a woman, I must fill the empty space in my soul on my own.

My observations from several occasions to mingle with people do not fill with optimism. In the era when smartphone is the main device facilitating communication (without which talks is hardly imaginable to many younger people), openness of humans around leaves a lot to be desired. I have no idea why so many singles of my age are so selfish, prefer to hide inside their shells rather than making the effort to open themselves to fellow human beings. After many years spent single, such a move is a step out of the comfort zone, however it needs to be taken to change a lonely life. Fear of a change is what keeps people in bad relationships, but also keeps people single. As you decide to get involved with somebody, the fair balance between staying yourself and sticking to your fundamental values and combating the habits developed over years of being single is an art. Realising and pursuing this is, I suppose, crucial to foster a rewarding relationship.

As an anecdote – my friend suggested I install Tinder in my smartphone and try going out with women matched there. My first reaction was that I would not use an application used by seeking a specific form of fun ;-), but heard more and more people use it as regular dating application or to find company. With quite little to lose, maybe this option is worth considering.

Bielany - a new place to live

Just for the record - after two weeks of attending castings (finding a flat to rent is not a matter of one day, unless you have no expectations and no price ceiling) on Thursday I have finally been chosen to become a tenant. My new, hopefully temporary, place is somewhere between Wawrzyszew and Młociny underground stations. I have transported nearly all my stuff (the last batch today in the evening) to mere 25 square meters in a ten-storey block built in late 1960s, yet cosy and functionally furnished that will be my dwelling until I find my own flat (have two under negotations, oddly enough one is Flat 3 from that post, partly refurbrished, but put up for sale at the same price. Keep fingers crossed.

Tomorrow the chapter will formally be closed, i.e. the contract for the flat we have rented will be signed over to my ex-gf and our common bank account will finally be closed. Then comes the time to enjoy the freedom. Still too early to take a well-balanced look back, but I am convinced this has been the right the decision.

But before this happens, some snaps from the new neighbourhood (next week).

Ten features of a good relationship

Indeed guys! This post is anything but ground-breaking. Around the Internet you might find hundreds of such lists, all serving as guidelines what a happy romantic relationship should stand for. But since human being vary between one another and for each of them different aspects of relationship are of importance, I am taking the liberty of sharing ten features that matter to me.

1. Communication, construed as frequent conversations with a partner, articulating your expectations. Casual talks on how your day was are not enough. In order to built a lasting relationship one must not have inhibitions to put across what they need, what they want, but also what infuriates them. A partner ought to be your best friend, your shoulder to cry on. Besides, good communication means you can argue, even clash, but must not involve raising your voice or offending a partner. Not being on speaking terms for a period longer than a few hours does not bode well for a relationship as well.

2. Empathy, which seems crucial since in the long run friendship is what remains, while desire slowly burns out and daily routine drags romantic memories down. Being able to step into your partner’s shoes, imagining how they feel, what quandaries they tackle, what problems they need to overcome is a foundation of a satisfying relationship. The task is sometimes more than difficult, especially if your partner finds themselves in a situation you have never encountered, e.g. bereavement, job loss, etc.

3. Reliability, something totally basic, yet indispensable. The gut feeling that if things go wrong your partner will be the first person you can turn to and will not leave you out in the cold. Relationship is not built through common pleasant moments of carefree dating. It takes shape when you are ill, broke, when you suffer and the other person grabs your hand and does not let go.

4. Respect to your partner’s autonomy. Being together does not mean being together all the time. I believe it is healthy for a relationship if each of the partners has an area of their own – their job (which means working together is not the best option), their friends, their hobby. Taking a break (within limits) from your partner makes you appreciate them and decreases the risk of being fed up with them.

5. A common ground. Though differences between partners are inevitable, something must keep them together. Quite often people meet and get to know each other better because of a common hobby, common interests, something that turns them on both. I realise this point is arguable and equally well you could have partner who has dissimilar interests, but something cherished by both partners brings them together.

6. Sexual intimacy, the aspect of relationship which works like a glue, also one of the best barometers of a relationship’s quality. If things are going well, your sexual life will thrive. Nearly all problems in this sphere, unless caused by the lousy external factor called stress, mirror unresolved disagreements and other strains between partners.

7. Common approach to money. This is the first of down-to-earth things on which a mature relationship rests. Couples too frequently row over stance towards money and spending habits, to make it a negligible part of life. Also psychologists and couple counsellors underline importance of this little thing that can tear two people apart so easily.

8. A common stance towards raising children. Upbringing your offspring is a process in which both parents ought to participate and which should be carried out in an uniform manner (the sentence could be picked out as an example of academic twaddle). If your partner and you differ fundamentally in any areas, I believe you should talk it over how you will compromise or overcome differences before you decide to bring up children. A child who receives dissimilar messages from parents usually suffers and I suppose its psyche should be spared such experiences.

9. Sharing duties, the mundane ones. In the era of equal rights and opportunities gone is the model in which a woman runs a house while a man is the breadwinner. Today both females and males fulfil their professional potential, therefore washing, cooking, ironing and cleaning (let alone looking after children) are the duties they both ought to be taught to fulfil and share between each other. Even if you afford to hire somebody to clean your house, iron your shirts and get other things done, you should not forget how do handle the down-to-earth stuff, since you never know when you either no longer afford to have a third-part housekeeper or for some other reasons you will have no choice but to embark on it.

10. The healthy balance between accepting your partner they way they are and going beyond your comfort zone to meet your partner’s expectations and make the relationship better is an art. Striking such balance without overstraining oneself does more good than harm, but based on what I have observed around, is a challenge few people dare to accept.

Meanwhile, on my own front. Still less than a year of being together, less than two months under one roof. There are ups and downs, better and worse days. I have never expected a bed of roses. Each day I fear the worst and hope for the best, sometimes I ease off and lower the bar, sometimes I clam up in my own shell. But all the time I bear in mind loneliness, though filled with sadness, is a whole lot better than an awful relationship.

Learning to live together

Spent the last two weekends roaming around Poland. Over the first weekend of February I ventured south to meet my would-be in-laws, a week ago into Mazury, to take delight in wintery landscape of the lakes area in the low season. For technical reasons, I will catch up with the photo coverage somewhat later, at best in a week J

The common denominator of the last weeks were ups and downs of living under one roof with my better half. Both of us had never had a chance to get accustomed to cohabit with a life companion under one roof, therefore such major change has been a sort of stressful for both of us. Living together is mainly about fighting some of one’s habits and accepting some of your partner’s habits, where both sides should find some areas where they decide to give in and others where they insist to hold on to what they are used to.

For many couples a common dwelling is not just a turning point that marks moving a level up, but also the end of so-called bed of roses. This regularity pertains mainly to couples whose dating prior to living together confined to going out, spending time together, but without sharing down-to-earth duties. This is unfortunately what daily life is all about and what has brought to an end the carefree periods of my friends’ relationships (they all hark back to times before finding themselves with their life companions under one roof). I need to confess the process of moving and early days in “our = rented” flat have been quite smooth and painless. We both displayed a lot of patience towards each other and held back our emotions for several occasions. The first days went without a major spat, however a few more serious, frank talks turned out to be essential to sort some things out and clear the atmosphere.

I cannot say I am disillusioned, but I am slowly coming to terms with abandoning my dreams of an ideal relationship. Every human, inevitably, has drawbacks, and while spending lots of time with somebody you care for, clashes are inexorable as well. It only takes good manners and lots of composure not to lose one’s temper and to stand up to what you believe, balancing this with a proper dose of respect to your partner and their autonomy. Whenever a crisis hits me, I recall my better half has accepted my several shortcomings and puts up with me which is not easy; this gives me more strength and patience to cope with her idiosyncrasies.

For the time being the biggest challenge are eating habits. My better half is a vegetarian, not a hard-line one, meaning she does not accuse everyone around eating meat of contributing to killing what once has been alive, but as she declares, she had never ever had a single gram of meat (nor fish) in her mouth, while I, in order not to stay hungry, need regular intake of nutrients with animal proteins and I am unwilling to give up on it. For a while it is not a big concern (though cooking a lunch we would both eat is impossible, which makes me kind of sad, in the light of my new resolution to learn to cook after entering this new stage), yet many people have advised me to think it over how it all would look when she gets pregnant and children are born. Coercing would not work (or would rather have the opposite effect), convincing somebody who is very sensitive to any conversation on the topic of their eating habits (after hearing regularly she was weird on account of refusing to eat meat at all) could also work like a red rag to a bull. I can only tell myself nutrition habits and not a fundamental part of relationship and definitely should not become a deciding factor when choosing a life companion (which oddly enough is not as obvious, after I met many people who would declare they would not accept a partner who does not eat meat “as normal humans do”). By the way it gets to the worst, while you are influenced by opinions expressed by several people around to such extent that you fail to distinguish whether your view is your own one of shaped by influencers who whisper beliefs into your ears.

Besides, worth noting this weekend marks the ninth anniversary of blogging. My activity here has been on the wane for a while, yet I have my goal of keeping up the job for one year on, to reach the milestone of round decade of roughly regular writing. Most bloggers from once buoyant English-Polish blogosphere have dropped off quite long ago, so maybe instead of griping about my malperformance I should rather take pride in relatively long record of blogging.

Renting a flat

If there is somebody breaking a record in length of property lookout, I believe I would stand a chance of being in among leaders. I set off to search unhurriedly in late 2015, in 2016 I was giving it up on a few times, while considering moving to another European capital as part of secondment and buying a flat after I return, or moving to Wrocław (this involved a promotion I was doomed not to get). There was a time when my housing needs were met by hotels or time of absolute indifference and little hope for the future when I still hunted, but with not much zeal, nor pressure to buy.

Though I have not bought a flat, it does not mean I have not found any which I had been keen to purchase. After my “relationship status” changed for the better, the search accelerated and after somewhat loosening the criteria I have found four flats I was intent to buy. As it turns out, it takes two to tango, which means if a vendor puts up an advertisement, they do not necessarily aim to finalise the deal.

Without going into details, reasons why I am not a flat-owner are as follows:

Flat #1, the sellers wanted to sell their flat, but expected a buyer to let rent it from the new owner until June 2018, when they would be able to move in to their brand-new flat, currently under construction. Since such transaction would not help my housing needs be met, I gave it a rest.

Flat #2, the one which took my fancy the most. I kept a diary of negotiations… I found the ad directly from the owner (actually son-in-law of owners handling the whole stuff) on 18 July and immediately called him. After three calls I saw the flat on 7 August 2017, then once again with my parents on 12 August, then met the owners on 18 August to discuss details of the deal. Since asking price was quite attractive, there was no room for haggling and potential buyers were expected to place bids and the winning bidder would buy the flat. On 25 August the sellers called me to inform they would keep on letting the flat, instead of getting rid of it and maybe they would return to the market in a year.

Flat #3, quite OK rather than dreamt-up, but attractively priced. I was the first one to visit the flat and place a bid. The process kicked off immediately, but while I asked for a set of documents required by a notary to draw up a notarial deed, they turned out to had been missing, since 2001 when there was some mess with the housing co-operative which went bankrupt upon the completion of that estate…

Flat #4, also good enough and well-priced, with little additional outlays required. I carried on with negotiations, arranging a crew of dab hands to turn the bathroom (which needed a thorough refurbrishment) upside down, finally cheerful and putting faith everything was on track, I did not notice the seller was hanging back on arranging a date with a notary. Soon she called me to notify she had sold the flat to someone else.

I picked up that last call on the last week of November. Sadly, I must notice the number of flats put up for sale has dwindled recently and I blame high rent yields (according to the recent NBP report residential rent produces five times higher earnings than an average bank deposit) which induce several property-owners to let their flats instead of selling them. NBP figures which show number of transactions on secondary residential property market diminished from nearly 2,100 in 3Q2016 to 1,100 in 3Q2017 might support my presumptions.

In 2018 I have not a single flat I would wish to visit and the number of new advertisements is close to zero (this could be put down to winter holidays as well).

In the meantime my girlfriend, who rented a room in a flat, despite several attempts had not had her rent contract, which expired on 31 December 2017, renewed. The flat-owner, who lives somewhere in Poland, was too lazy to come to Warsaw and sign the papers, so from the beginning of this month she lived there without an agreement. On top, just before we headed for Norway, her flatmate told she would move out at the end of the month.

We discussed all pros and cons and arrived at the decision we would rent a small flat together and reside there until I buy something reasonable. After returning to Poland two weeks ago we entered a race against time. We knew the rent market in Warsaw is red-hot and any attractively-priced flat draws in a queue of potential tenants. We knew once we found something which would meet our needs, we would need to make a decision swiftly. In the first two flats we visited we made a mistake by being too sincere and declaring we would not promise to rent for at least a year. The prospect of looking for new tenants in a few months has probably put off landlords and our bids were immediately were turned down. There was a story of a cheap flat to be rented for a short period, until a 104-year grandma, who is formally entitled to reside until death there but reside in a nursing home, deceases, but I don’t feel like recounting it. In the fourth flat we lied we would want to rent for at least a year, but insisted on a just-in-case 1-month notice termination option. Out there, we signed the contract within one day and fended off the threat of my girlfriend becoming homeless.

This marks a new stage in the relationship, but still is perceived by me as a temporary solution, a quick fix before my own flat is found. Until this happens, may we dwell the rented one uneventfully.

Since next weekend we head south so that I meet my girlfriend’s parents and in two weeks we head north to get some well-deserved relax, the last before my girlfriend’s exam in mid-May and the subsequent holidays, the next posting will be due around 18 February.

Half-year into

Just for the record, to save my mindset for posterity and mark exactly six months ago we first kissed.

It has been the first serious (rather than just occasional dating or going out) relationship I have been in since student times (the previous one had been terminated a month before I set up this blog, with little regret, we had just let it go), so over these years spent single I have moved on, grown mature on my own, I am not the same man I was over eight years earlier. I have developed self-limitations, habits and inhibitions which had to be overcome when I had to learn to reckon with a presence of another person in my life.

Looking for a candidate for life companion had not been easy, there had been many failures, rejections, disappointments and flawed decisions along the way. It used to hurt and taught me to keep my distance towards women. For some reason, the fear of rejection vanished into the air when I met my girlfriend.

From the very beginning it was not a bed of roses as it should have been by the books. As for first months, there were too many moments it could fall apart, but it has not. There were so many swings in my approach towards her. At times breaking up was an even more conceivable option than mending this relationship. We have hurt each other several times, but emerged stronger out of each crisis, we have learnt to talk openly to each other, thus we have become true close friends. The relationship is about communicating one’s needs, about reaching compromise. Affections and emotions are crucial, yet insufficient to build something long-term that would withstand ups and downs of daily life and problems.

Having written all of that, I remain uncertain of what the future of this relationship would be. Some say at the age of (nearly) 30 a man should judge after half a year whether a woman he dates has all makings of a good wife. And I do realise I have little time to decide whether to hold on or let go, and for sake of being honest to her and to myself, I will need to do this soon.

On the edge

Can I recall why I have leapt into it? There was a desire, a pure lust, same one which makes men fight, steal or lie. And apart from the desire there was an opportunity. First, since many years, the one I needed to seize, had I not done it, I would not have forgiven myself missing out on it. And finally outcome of a plain calculation tipped the scales in favour of her – had I turned her away, I would have hurt her certainly, had I given it a chance, there would have been just a chance I would hurt her. The chance which is about to materialise…

Why have I been putting in so much work in it? If something has not been right, firstly I have been wondering whether something has not been wrong with me. Over years spent being single I had developed habits which could have made building a relationship difficult. I have realised it and fought it. Besides, I have seen my work on this relationship and on her bearing fruits, it has not been like banging my head against a brick wall. Slowly, we have been moving on, though my hopes at the beginning had been frail…

With hindsight, that has been too much work put in, given we have been past our first half-year period and usually this is when honeymoon is not yet over. Every time I wanted to give up, I kept telling myself breaking up because something went wrong was a sign of cowardice. When something breaks down in a relationship, if people care for each other, they firstly attempt to mend it; when it goes to no avail and they run out of energy, determination and love, break-up comes up in sight.

Too frequently something has been out of right. I am sick and tired of looking for a human being in you, though many times you have proved inside your shell you are a genuinely good human being, only breaking through the shell costs me so much effort. I am sick of searching in you traits I see in almost all other women. I have had enough of seeking the comfort, safety and acceptance, seeking what I should simply feel.

Even when things go wrong, two people have much in common that keeps them together: children, common dwelling, liabilities. In such respect, there is nothing to unwind what could keep us together. We stay together as long as feelings inside us burn. Keeping this going just for the sake of continuity makes little (or just no) sense.

Breaking up is just one of scenarios in this game, if attempts to fix it go in vain. Apart from sadness, loneliness and emptiness, the end might bring relief. Recently, while recalling the last months, I compared the intensity of stress and joy brought out by this relationship and sadly more often it frayed my nerves than lifted my spirits.

Whatever next days or weeks bring, it is still too early to lay down weapons. If too much goes wrong, maybe keeping it going senselessly is a sign of cowardice, rather than having courage to terminate a relationship before it gets too deep?