Contemporary manhood

Mulling over the causes of the recent relationship break-up and trying to learn from my mistakes I have recently pondered upon whys and wherefores of a male I am, I strive to be, or I am expected to be. A great pity one word to describe it is "manhood", which brings out connotation with being a human being, rather than "malehood", which sounds more gender-oriented.

In my journey I have come across an interview with Mr Jacek Masłowski, a founder of Fundacja Masculinum. Not an outstanding one, yet thought-provoking.

As it turns out, the core quandary of today's males is inability to define their manhood. They feel lost between conflicting expectations stemming from traditional role of a man (which have not been nullified) and modern model of manhood.

Women have partly set themselves free from patriarchy, men fall victim to it still, as most of them are lagging behind women and struggle to define their identity. Instead of being the way they wish to be like, they rely on social norms or other people's expectations which make up a lengthy list of dos and don'ts for a "genuine" male. In this maze of expectations men lack self-insight, cannot name their feelings, admit them, not to mention speaking them out.

As Mr Masłowski points out, drawing on his experience from several workshops run for contemporary males (average age of 40), they overly focus on meeting other people's needs and living up to their expectations. This is particularly visible in romantic relationships and to much lesser extent when it comes to contacts with children, parents, siblings, friends or in workplaces.

They end up losing themselves in pursuits of their female partners' expectations mostly to seek their acceptance. The common mistake made here is that a person to be accepted is not a person who they are. With good intentions in mind they lay deceit as foundation of romantic relationships and try hard to slide into it. Some carry on like this for decades, for others the endless struggle is debilitating enough to blow up their relationships.

Another problem Mr Masłowski elaborates on is the quality of males’ relationships, especially with fellow men. Here females, much more open to speak of their weaknesses and failures, prove their superiority which is beneficial to mental health. Men in turn still foster the primeval instinct of rivalry which prompts them to boast of accomplishments and build image of a powerful man who never exposes his frailty. Needless to say, this hardly ever squares with reality. The outcome is that men are plagued by loneliness.

Is there a fix for this? Mr Masłowski uses a metaphor of an armour. He asserts men are told to wear it all the time, although it is heavy and impractical. He posits men should be familiar with armours, but put them on only when necessary, an allegory I consider brilliant.

At the end you should ask if I practice what I preach. My contribution to the failure of my recent romantic relationship suggest I have not. I can only declare to strive not to repeat my mistakes in the future. When hanging out with fellow men, I am straightforward and encourage honesty, especially by embracing all signs of their frailty. I hope more of us, adult, but noy yet middle-aged men, realise we have been walking a dead-end street and it is never too late to turn back.

The Way of the Superior Man…

…A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

The book by David Deida was one of my birthday gifts received in December. When I spotted it on my desk the morning after I turned thirty and upon leafing through the book and reading out some random sentences, I was pretty sure the gift had been handed by my workmate, who is… (unlike me) fond of spirituality and always intent to spill her fascination over everyone around.

I actually do not truly share her enchantment with spirituality and probably I am too self-constrained to make out elements of spirituality in processes such as ejaculation, therefore I treated reading the book with reserve, but with a dose of curiosity.

I am sceptical towards any guides how to live your life, because (watch out, cliché) every human is different, therefore there is no single recipe how to work on yourself to become a better man, as well as how to build relationships with fellow people, since each of them is unique. Giving credence to “how-to-live” guides means following somebody’s steps blindfold, while I believe one should rely on one’s wits, emotional intelligence and experience in handling relationships with other humans. Needless to say, it takes errors along the way, but lessons learnt from one’s mistakes are those most memorable.

Nevertheless, the book fleshes out some concepts which I believe are universal and pave the way to happiness and self-fulfilment of a male.

Firstly, be yourself and shape the world around. Trying to shape oneself, or at worst pretending to be someone else just to live up to your mates’ expectation is a bumpy road to nowhere. Only being yourself and knowing the rest of the world accepts the way you are can drive away the frustration. Beware though, this is not at odds with striving for perfection on every step you take. Besides, a wilful male impacts the world around him. You should not entirely accept what surrounds you, your power sets direction in which things drift.

Secondly, keep a healthy distance, towards life in general. There are matters you have no influence on and for the benefit or your mental health you should least worry about them. When it comes about things you have an effect on, do not get carried away by emotions, stay calm, comes hell or high water.

Thirdly, be decisive. There is nothing more infuriating than seeing a male who dithers or is afraid to take a decision. It does not matter much whether such sight is seen by a woman or by another man. Being decisive proves responsibility and maturity.

Fourthly, focus on spiritual aspect of your relationship. I would argue while the honeymoon is over and the daily grind becomes overwhelming, it is essential to remember about non-down-to-earth sphere of life to keep the flame burning. Dissecting the spiritual aspects of ejaculation is maybe not the essence of this, but my good friend skilfully put it into words. He said being together means putting up with your partner’s shortcomings which will not f**k you up only if you love your partner to bits.

Fifthly, discern and make us of your manly and womanly traits. This piece of advice dwells on the concept of gender and the fact no human has its profile in 100% consistent with their biological sex. While pairing up, two people ought to supplement one another, so that the sums of their womanhood and manhood in their relationship should add up to 100%. Relationships with surpass of womanhood or manhood end up with a clash and are less likely to last long happily.

Having read the post over and over again I see my own writing has become a preacher’s twaddle. To escape this philosophical mood, I am flying to Tromso, Norway, beyond the polar circle. Coverage of this trip to ensue in two weeks.

The gender

The Polish language has just one noun (płeć) to distinguish between females and males. The differentiation it brings in corresponds with the English word sex, which pertains to physical characteristics of humans, leaving out the psychological traits typical for either females or males. The concept of gender dwells upon all non-physical aspects of being a woman or a man and in Poland is usually associated with political or ideological debates. Sadly, participants of those discussions rarely touch the concept of what marks out differences between females in males in terms of roles they take, how they (are expected to) behave and what has been instilled in them.

Some roles have been entrusted by nature (e.g. a woman must give birth to a child not a man), some configurations have been precluded by nature (e.g. only people of the opposite sex can become biological parents), some types of behaviours run in the genes or are driven by hormones, but not all. I have taken the trouble to write out a few most vivid dissimilarities between women and men I happen to observe.

Men are straightforward; in the way they communicate, formulate thoughts, interact with other people. If my male friend and I disagree, we have no problems speaking it out, if we find each other’s behaviour unacceptable for some reasons, we share our discomfort with the other one, if we are to bear a grudge, we do it for a short time, since we do not hold off on giving vent to our feelings. Women put their messages between the lines, give hints, send non-verbal signals, which is exciting, but hey… it hampers straightforward communication. And the way women quarrel generally differs from the way men argue, and so I prefer to squabble with men, since it is more… civilised, less emotional and the outcome is predictable.

Women find it easier or have been taught to show emotions openly. For me the utmost evidence is that women are generally allowed (by cultural and social norms) to cry when other people see it, while men are brought up not to shed their tears in public as this is perceived as a sign of weakness. Obviously, you could point out in some situations crying men a natural sight, yet boys over the course of upbringing are taught not to cry and to be less effusive, in terms of showing emotions and talking about them.

Women traditionally have been more inclined to care more about how they look and what they wear. Not long ago a man was expected to be clean, shaved, have his hair combed and look neatly, while a woman needed to devote more time and energy to spruce herself up. Today’s men tend to pay more attention to what they wear and to their overall look. I believe the key difference between approach of females and males is best illustrated by an anecdote about a couple who stare at the contents of their wardrobe. Wife gazes at them and sighs: “nothing to wear, no room to put anything more” (nie ma co włożyć, nie ma gdzie powiesić), while her husband intreats: “don’t throw it away, it’s still good, I’ll we wearing it” (nie wyrzucaj, to jest jeszcze dobre, jeszcze będę w tym chodził).

I am in two minds about this very difference, but statistically, women are more responsible than men. They are less likely to take risky decisions, less often do dangerous things, before making a choice are more likely to think twice and use their imagination to conjure up negative scenarios or anticipate consequences of their behaviour. Responsible approach to life has many aspects and might be hard to define, but if you confront it with carefree attitude, this one is more often represented by males, I guess.

The piece above naturally intertwines with practical approach to life. Whatever you do, you may treat it as a task to complete or make it a feast or source of pleasure. Men who furnish their dwelling are more likely to simply choose finishing materials, fittings and furniture and get the job done; women will focus on each detail, will care which very item is chosen. Men who buy clothes go to a shop, try on, if they fit, pay and walk away; for women shopping venture is an adventure and a ritual. But on the other hand (big) boys are more fond of gadgets and the regularities above do not apply to some purchases, for instance a car – women would rather seek a vehicle with four wheels to be set in motion, while men would focus on what the vehicle has under the bonnet and elsewhere.

Differences between genders, though still noticeable, have faded away over time and conceivably will continue to wane. While I am far from judging gender ideology to be the oracle of evil, I am of the opinion dissimilarities between women and men spice up their relationships and because they keep the flame burning, they ought to be nurtured.

Do men need to be praised?

One of those questions smacking on the stereotype we are from Mars, they are form Venus… Males and females are said to perceive everything in a different way, from hues and saturations of colours to remarks aimed at them. It might be a matter of cultural background, upbringing, self-esteem, ego, complexes, or just going over the top with praising…

Today, while having a rest after an arduous week and lying on my terrace with the headphones on my ears I listened to the notorious broadcast in Radio Pogoda. This time it wasn’t as stupid and intolerable as usually, today’s discussion was really up to the point, but the man portrayed by the journalists turned out to be a clumsy midget who wants the others, mostly his partner to boost his ego. How can you explain away the fact one of the journalists pays compliments to her husband for hammering one nail or driving a screw. Those simple activities take sometimes less than a minute and are one of those typical mundane household chores, so where’s the point in praising? Once I’ve read modern young women are angry with their husbands / partners who can mend the leaking tap and have to call a professional – is it an incentive – you’ll change that seal, what requires a lot of knowledge and dexterity and consumes your precious time and I’ll be grateful until the end of my days, I’ll tell all of my friends how wonderful my husband is – he fixed the tap, it doesn’t leak, can your old man do that?

For a past few months I’ve been pondering on the roles of people in the marriage, it finally sank in me that I should look at it not like on the bed of roses, still not like on an obligation (I’m still far away from tying the knot) but like on a situation in which two people have to depend on each other, put up with each other and divide or share some roles. And what comes up? One of my female friends admits she can’t cook at all and has problems even with boiling water in a kettle, another one says she throw dirty clothes on the floor and one day she gets herself together to switch on the washing machine. The third says she doesn’t wash up until the dishes can’t fit into the sink – so the big washing-up comes in regular intervals once in three days. I don’t opt for the obsolete family model where woman has to iron his husband’s shirts, wash his socks and cook and serve the dinner when the tired breadwinner comes home. But here we fall into another extreme – there was said to be a huge generation gap between the generations of my parents and my grandparents – they contested their way of life, defied their hierarchy of values, in many cases, it moved the society forward, but we seem to start paying the price – the new generation brought up already in independent Poland shapes into X-generation, the youngsters who aren’t taught they have any duties, they get everything for free, the get used to it (that’s the most appalling) and have still higher demands, but parents still indulge their whims. Yes, it gets my goat when my peer who stands for much lower personal quality than me drives to Warsaw with a better than my father’s car, when I still commute by bus, cause I was taught at home I shouldn’t use something I cannot afford to – in my view there are lots of errors parents make these days… Who’ll carry the can?

But as I can observe, men as a rule hold out for praising! I try to eschew it, but it’s the order of the day that we ask if the meal we’ve prepared is delicious. “Have I spiced it up correctly?”, “Doesn’t the wall look beautifully after painting?”, “It was my wonderful idea, wasn’t it?”, “Could anyone do it better than me?”.

As a teenager I couldn’t stand being praised, I felt uneasy, blushed, then I learned to cope with it. But maybe everyone needs appreciation, commendation, gratitude? But for what? For doing one’s duty? “So you returned home from hospital and the house was clean, fridge was stocked up and the clothes were washed and ironed?” – such question was asked yesterday by my mother’s friend, claiming her children and husband would neglect the house beyond recognition. Hey, praise not on me, I did my duty, shame on them!

BTW, yesterday I indulged in the national sport of Poles, practised on balconies, działki or in the gardens – making a barbecue. I can’t say I have a heart for cookery but grilling is what I adore. Unfortunately my photo-taking savvy is not already well developed so no one took up operating the camera and capturing me dealing with the sausages and turkey cutlets…