Sunday, 20 August 2017


Once in my confession (one of the posts I saved for posterity and I will revert to as long as content of my blog is not erased from the Internet) I held forth that problems with mental health are the aftermath of attempting to remain strong for too long. Over five years I have studied more on the topic and that very assertion appears now simplified to me since it narrows down to only some circumstances in life that may wreak havoc to one’s psyche and leave there scars for years to come.

The popular belief that people who need to consult a psychiatrist to get their health fixed are mental jobs, wackos, or have a screw loose is now on the wane. More and more individuals realise they have fellows afflicted by mental diseases around them who are not dangerous for anyone around (though life with them is anything but carefree) who fight what haunts them and strive to live normally.

Much contribution to understanding the nature of mental illnesses has been made by public confessions of famous people who have been struggling depression and told stories of what it has felt like, in Poland the best examples are Justyna Kowalczyk and Tomasz Jastrun.

Just as the world is not black and white, but painted with different shades of grey (when colours are gone), depression and other mental illnesses can have different intensity which may vary from being on the verge of committing suicide (but being short of enough energy to take the ultimate step) to functioning seeming normally, yet doing things mechanically, not drawing pleasure from activities which should bring pleasure. Joylessness looms as the mildest form of depression, creeping in cunningly, wiping smile off a human’s face, slowly poisoning one’s life. Joylessness is the most difficult to cure, since actually a doctor does not need to bring a patient back to a state of being able to function normally.

Such consideration brings forth the question of apposite therapy for individuals affected with mental disorders. Generally speaking the two cure methods usually combined are pharmacological and psychotherapy. The former bring quick relief and help patient live quite normally, while the latter is geared at long-term effect and improving quality of life to make patients live without pills at some moment in time.

Opinions on what causes depression among laymen vary. Those more familiar with the topic would say “damages in the brain” play a vital role in seeding depression. Others in turn claim traumatic or stressful situations in life bring about the disease. The former are closer to the truth, since had it not been for something that goes wrong at the back of your head, people whose lives are enviable would not fall victim of depression. Obviously, adverse circumstances, such as family conflicts, stress at work, loneliness, financial troubles, increase the risk of being depression-stricken, yet some genes which predestine one to come down with this mental disease intensify impulses which send one’s spirits down.

What lifts spirits in turns is the growing awareness and tolerance to people struggling mental problems. It should be borne in mind they are like somatic diseases – may affect anyone, though there are individuals more prone to it on account of their lifestyle or what fate has bestowed on them.

Sunday, 13 August 2017

Wounded by fear, injured in doubt

It has been an affection, it has been a both-sided, reciprocated affection. It’s been longing and yearning, hoping and trusting. But each affection, each fascination must evolve into a friendship if two people are to share the daily life without going mad under one roof. And after all, two people must really fit each other, share the same values and, arguably, exhibit the same approach to down-to-earth stuff. Some say if not, burning-hot romance ends in an ice-cold break-up…

Once I have been told at the age of nearly 30 after half a year of relationship you should already know whether your girlfriend or boyfriend is a potential life companion or not. At such time you cannot wait for years, enjoying the carefree going out until it gets really serious. When you are 30 there is little time to waste, so either you keep it going forever or let it burn down in flames and walk separate ways to give yourself more time to find a better opportunity (out of those already scarce).
We have decided to keep it secret. Under the current circumstances hiding us from some part of the world seems an optimal solution, but I am sick of concealing the joy you bring out in me.

But joy is not the only feeling that haunts me because of you. My closest friends realise it is not as rose-coloured as it ought to be on such early (fourth month) stage of relationship when butterflies should still fly in a stomach and a girlfriend should be idealised.

Since between the lines you suggest one day we would get married, I need to ask myself whether I would imagine daily life with you, running a house, sharing household duties and particularly, raising children. Admittedly I have doubts and wonder how to share them with you, mindful after all you are very sensitive and you care much, though you show it so peculiarly…
So what fills me with so much dread…?

Firstly, your nutrition habits. No, not that you are vegetarian, but that you eat so little, not because you are not hungry (I wonder how often you actually are hungry), but because for some reason you do not come by food. If somebody arranges you the food and puts a plate under your nose, you eat with alacrity. In the long run not bringing enough calories to your body would be to the detriment of your health.

Secondly, fending for yourself, or rather not doing it. I was shocked to learn one day when you had your period you cycled 120 kilometres without changing your sanitary towel, ate one bar of chocolate and ice-cream and drank less than a litre of beverages along the way.
Bringing back the above, I cannot imagine you being pregnant (I would worry you miscarry) or looking after our children.

Thirdly, what turns you on (not in bed…) when it comes to spending free time, where and how you would like to travel, what you would spend money on and what to save on…

At times I wonder whether you have not painted an idealised picture of me in my head and whether you are not confronting it with reality. If I am to be happy with you, I need to be myself and you have to embrace me the way I am, with all my shortcomings (not meaning I would not fight them). I could strain myself you live up to your expectations, but pretending to be someone else would lead us nowhere. Maybe if I do not fit your notion of your ideal life companion, breaking up should be an option and little room for compromise should be left.

Yes, I am afraid of breaking up. But I should strive to seek reasons to keep it going. To have somebody to copulate with (recently even this gives little pleasure)? To have somebody to spend my free time with? To avert loneliness and returning to sad, yet stable life I led before we met? I heard sticking to a lousy relationship and making concessions not to let it terminate proves one’s low self-esteem…

My friends tell me to give it up. They claim since the onset of this relationship I have been emotionally mangled, instead of bursting with joy, I have been apathic, not a typical symptom of infatuation… Someone who has spent some time with you told me if I am to carry on, I should be prepared for rough rides just like parents who decide to adopt an orphan who might be genuinely good, but with a burden of past harms and hurts, might turn out to be a problem child. Another friend has told me I should not delude myself I would shape you or teach you things your parents failed to teach you. They might all be right, but I have invested too much time and emotions into this relationship to take the path of least resistance and break it up. No one promised an easy deal…