Confession

Outside +33C, inside +28.5C, despite external rollers pulled down. I dread to think how hot it would be in my room without them. But some five months ago when temperatures in the morning were hitting minus twenties, I promised not to gripe about the heat wave when it comes. Frost has one advantage over heat – you can take shelter from it at home, assuming you have heating put in. Air-conditioning in private houses is not popular in Poland, so we swelter, but don’t have to think about the coming heating bill, wear several layers of clothing, wait for a public transport vehicle that fails to run according to timetable, etc.

In this temperature I feel like taking a nap; I even understand why siesta is so common in southern Europe in the summer months – when it’s above +30C you simply get drowsy.

Yawn… Not a temperature conducive to thinking, nor the time is right. I’ve had more than enough time to think many aspect of my life over when I had to stay in bed for some nine days in June.

Was it all just a coincidence? My first true holidays since September 2009, carefully planned, long awaited and two weeks before the departure, probably on my way to and from Poznań by train I contracted an illness. I blame this journey, because on my way to Poznań air-con was cooling the compartment at full blast, while on my way back it wasn’t running at all, windows were locked and inside the carriage you could breath in a abhorrent stench of fungus…

Then I disregarded problems with sore throat, they didn’t pass as they’d come, a small illness developed into a bigger one, I got one antibiotic, it helped for a while, but didn’t fully cure me. On the eve of my departure I came down with high fever and the next day it turned out I had the accursed laryngitis. The second antibiotic, despite staying in bed, didn’t help as well. Finally the third one, in the third week of my struggle against disease, set me free from the illness, but knocked me down solidly and played havoc with my heart and muscles (thank God it left out my digestive system…) and left me stranded at home, unable to do any physical exercise, not to drive car for a few days. Eventually, I recuperated…

So why did it strike in the period of holidays and in warm June, not when weather can contribute to catching a cold? Was it a punishment?

Could it be a punishment for the idea to go on holidays completely on my own for the first time? For the plan to do spend time exactly the way I want, without taking heed of other people’s opinions and without having to put up with their habits, whims, shortcomings? Many people spend holidays in such way, many would never try to go alone, but is something condemnable in it?

Could it be a punishment for being at loggerheads with my parents? For falling out over every smallest thing, just as a matter of principle? After all they’ve always wished me well and when we disagreed and eventually I reluctantly followed their advice, with hindsight they were proven right. And even if not, they had the courage admit their mistake and advise me not to listen to them every time. Now we all decided to mend our ways and get along quite well, but for how long?

Could it be the punishment for how I foster relationships? Isn’t it true that I meet and talk to people I call my friends too infrequently? With time most friendships have all loosed up, especially I began to feel it upon finishing the studies. How many times have I rejected meeting proposals just because I was too busy, too tired, short of time? How come relationships between people can fall apart so easily? Do social media replace real world – I checked today I have 113 friends on facebook, while many of them I haven’t seen for ages and I haven’t invited many people I know well and meet every day. Facebook doesn’t reflect reality. Real friends matter, not boosting your friend count on social networking portal.

Now a message dear fellow bloggers. In February I was giving a lift to Michael, the same day he met Scatts and Paddy. They all agreed we should call a blogmeet. Four months have passed since then, fourteen months have elapsed since the last blogmeet and… silence…

Could it be the punishment for my (excessive?) commitment to work? For trying to stand out, present myself as reliable and knowledgeable employee at the expense of my private life? Staying overtime, taking up more duties – it was always obvious to me, I could not refuse. Actually I learnt a lot, developed a lot, built a network of professional relationships and gained exposure to influential people in my organisation that can give me a stepping stone for a future promotion. Can I build such valuable relationships in a private life? Were those sacrifices justifiable? Until now, I received no financial reward for my endeavours, prospects of promotion or a pay rise are remote and I seem to appear as someone always eager to do the most unrewarding tasks without a murmur…

Could it… No, start the sentence over a different way… Isn’t it the punishment, maybe even a well-deserved punishment for falling in love with that (don’t try to recall, I haven’t broached that topic and don’t plan to revert to it) girl so senselessly. It’s lasted for too long, I should have got her out of my mind, but well, sometimes you just can’t help yourself. It’s weird given that from the beginning I knew this was not someone I would like to spend my life with, not someone with who I could build a happy marriage. Well, there are situations when people can’t resist to make a step forward, even if they fully realise they’re on the verge of a precipice.

Was it reciprocated – I’ll probably never find it out. So many times I could easily say so, but equally many times, she would be indifferent or turned me away. Her attitude to me chopped and changed, within hours, not even days. I know she can pretend very well, not a good trait for a partner, so it’s impossible to find out what she really felt.

Was it she who hurt me, or wasn’t it me who hurt her as well, maybe even more? If it was reciprocated, I should also blame myself. Under certain circumstances I had to build a smokescreen (e.g. by flirting with other women) just to nip in the bud others’ suppositions there was something between us. But could she see through the smokescreen, or did she suffocate with the smoke? And didn’t I, in the meantime, hurt someone else, didn’t I waste another chance in an unforgivably silly way?

Could there be a future for us? Without a significant reshuffle in either her or my life, in the long run, surely not. In many aspects we are similar, in many aspects we could complement each other, but at the end of the day we are worlds apart. She is full of contradictions (like every woman to some extent), surely fragile and quite sensitive. And here the red light goes on – she’s sensitive only when harm is inflicted to her. I realised it upon compiling this post. If she read it, she’d just pull a face and what actually I was getting at and why I cared about those worse-off people.

I believe like many people, she’s so afraid that somebody can hurt her that she hurts someone else? She’s built a shell surrounding her not to let other people find out what she really feels. I could have enough power and determination to break through this shell, but my hands were tied and they still are. I could only bang my head against it, but is it worth the effort?

I treat this post like a katharsis. I need to break away.

A year ago if somebody had told I would go crazy about somebody with such abandon, I would have ridiculed them, call a downright idiot and bet all my savings they were an idiot. Fortunately, such opportunity didn’t arise and at least I’m not out of money on top of that.

So it stands to reason that my recent apathy is a consequence of this senseless affection. For some time, probably since early spring, I haven’t discerned the beauty in the world, until then I could see it in simple things, such as the sunset I’d lapped up a year ago, nor in magnificent ones. Everything in the world seems to me ugly.

When staying in bed I spotted this on my friend’s (we’ve been trying to arrange a meeting for half a year and guess if we met) wall on facebook. This might suggest another explanation. In late winter, when it sank in to me the senseless affection is beyond all doubt senseless, I resolved to be stronger than ever and than everyone around. I decided not to let any emotions overcome nor overwhelm me, I decided to be the last to lay down weapons on the battlefield, to be the captain the last to escape the sinking ship. I wanted to be bullet-proof, like in the song played so frequently in the radio those days. With time I realised it might be easy to deceive other people, but hard to deceive myself. I had moments when I was near breakdown, there were days when I got in to the car after work and yelled for half a minute to disgorge the negative emotions. It’s over. I haven’t experienced depression – I still feel a lot of energy and according to on-line tests, I have no or almost no signs of it. I haven’t experienced a single panic attack, but anxiety has kept me company for months, if not years. Perhaps this is the price to pay for some choices.

From now it’ll get better. It must…