First prang

Just three weeks ago my Guardian Angel told me “Don’t drive aggressively as you did recently – you haven’t had any accident and may it stay so”. I have mended my ways in terms of style of driving and avoid risky manoeuvres, but there are several other factors that can contribute to accidents on the road. I had my first one, a scrape, rather than a full-scale collision, yesterday.

Funnily enough, I didn’t damage my own car, nor my father’s car…

The post for today was meant to be titled “Renault Clio IV – driving impressions”. I decided to accept a personal invitation for a test drive from the local dealership where I have my old Megane serviced and ventured there yesterday. Before setting out, I dropped in on the near garage, where I had my tyres changed for the winter ones. Forecasters had warned of winter attack over a week ago and arranged the visit, so the weather has not caught me napping (yesterday Warsaw saw the first snowfall this autumn, quite heavy). The difference between summer and winter tyres is noticeable, mostly on a slush which was on the roads yesterday. The car holds the road much better, reacts differently when accelerator and brake pedals are used. It’s all obvious…

I drove to Konstancin, took a test drive as scheduled. I was only stunned by the car’s magnificent design and drove rather carefully as the car lacked winter tyres and actually wasn’t impressed by the dynamics of 0.9 litre turbocharged engine. To get back to the dealership I had to make a u-turn on the roundabout with traffic lights. I drove through such roundabouts several times, including this one, with which I was familiar. I knew very well a green light on one road allowed me to turn left, where I would encounter another, red light for a perpendicular road, before which I should have stopped. It was a moment of my inattention or lapse of concentration and I realised it a bit of too late, just ahead of the traffic light and ahead of another road. I skimmed on the brakes, but did not avoid rubbing against the left side of another vehicle, moving straight ahead on the perpendicular road. My fault…

Damages: first of all, no injuries to people travelling in both cars (at such low speed little bad could happen), brand new Renault Clio had its front bumper severely scratched and number plate board ripped off, Fiat Palio Weekend had both left doors sternly scratched and slightly dented and side lath on driver’s door torn away. Both cars were still roadworthy.

First advice in such situations: stay calm and plead guilty if you are. Any attempt to shirk responsibility is an open invitation for the owner of a damaged car to call the police. It only make things worse – who needs a fine of a few hundred zlotys on top of the collision? Both the Fiat driver and a salesman who travelled with me as a passenger kept cool heads. We all drove to the dealership to write out a “culprit’s statement” (in which I concede I had caused the accident) to secure covering the costs of repair of the Fiat by the Renault’s insurer. In the meantime mechanics from Renault garage reattached the number plate to the new Clio so that other clients could test the car. Then I looked after my own business and made sure Renault’s own damage insurance policy also covered all damages inflicted by clients, so the insurer would not have recourse to me. The only way the prang will hit my wallet is that instead of having a maximum, 60% third-party liability motor insurance discount next year, I will see it go down from 50% to 40% (assuming no accident along the way) and it will take two years to reach the maximum amount (expected loss over two years: roughly 300 PLN – still little compared to cost of repairing two damaged cars which I estimate would be between 3,000 and 5,000 PLN). I could of course try to conceal the collision, but my data will be recorded in the central registry of culprit, run by Insurance Guarantee Fund and available for all motor insurers, so it would not pay off…

Yesterday’s smash-up only borne out how I have changed. When over two years ago I dented the front bumper in (then my father’s) Megane I reacted very emotionally and didn’t feel like sitting behind the wheel the next day, but my father forced to me to overcome the trauma. Yesterday I stayed very calm, not to make things worse and secure my interests. Then I cleared my car of snow and drove safely back home, told my parents about the prang, informed about it on facebook… A lesson learnt – drive more carefully.

Funnily enough, I have driven around 15,000 kilometres, almost all with my car, went for a short (less than 10 kilometres) trip with a dealer’s car and damaged it, while saving my own one. Actually if the same had happened if I had driven my Megane: (1) the accident might have not happened, as Clio was on summer tyres and on winter tyres the car might have stopped, (2), even if I crashed, I wouldn’t decide to repair my car, I would just carry on driving with scratched front bumper…

As long as nobody is injured and only cars are damaged, there’s no point in dwelling on an accident. Accidents happen and will happen, but I hope I won’t have any, even such minor scrape in the future…

Camera breakdown

Once Scatts (mate, are you with us?) outlined a clear distinction between photography andsnapping. He identifies the former with high-flying art of documenting the surrounding world and the latter as thoughtless, quantity-oriented pressing buttons of cameras. For months I’d been trying to assign myself to one of the two categories and probably should wind up as one of those who Scatts scornfully calls ‘snappers’. On one hand I adore and can appreciate good quality photography, take pleasure in watching magnificent photos and like taking photos, but on the other I have too many features of an ordinary snapper. I’m slightly fond of photography, but it would be an understatement if I told photography is my hobby. Firstly, because I spend too far little time and money for it and secondly because I don’t possess professional equipment a photography freak must have*.

My equipment is typical for an amateur who needs to take shots on holiday, during social events and in other odd occasions that need to be documented. I have a compact Canon (PowerShot A460), bought in July 2007. The camera had served me quite well for over five years and despite its age and low-end characteristics, it generally would meet my needs. It could have done with a better optical zoom (4 times often doesn’t magnify as much as I would like to), picture stabiliser and could shoot films in higher resolution, but all in all I was satisfied with what my small (a big advantage, especially when you can slip it into an inside pocket of your jacket) Canon offered me. When describing my camera I had to switch to the past forms, because the camera doesn’t serve me any more…

I took the last normal snap with it on 23 August at 18:21, just upon leaving the office, to document heavy, as for holiday period and late rush hour, traffic on ul. Towarowa, jammed in both ways (to the right).

Two days later I drove to Łódź for a friend’s wedding ceremony. Before arriving at southern part of Łódź I stopped over near the centre to walk and photograph some of the buildings in town. For no apparent reason all photos were overexposed. On my way back home I took a shot of A2 motorway at night (to the right). The quality of the picture is more than satisfactory, given poor lighting, lack of picture stabilising function and the fact I drove 130 kmph and focused more on driving than on photographing. I actually deserve being reproached over using camera behind wheel when the car was in motion… If you enlarge the picture you should notice horizontal stripes on it…

Over the next weeks there were very few moments when I needed to use the camera. In September I didn’t bother to turn it on at all, despite carrying it around. I do keep it in my briefcase, but usually when I run across something worth documenting I don’t bother to take it out. And even if I take the trouble, the resulting photos land on my hard disk and then end up archived on a CD.

In early October I wanted to immortalise thick morning fog, took out the camera, took photos, but all were overexposed. I tried out the camera in daylight, in the darker environment, tapped symptoms of the breakdown into google and soon had the diagnosis – shutter flex ribbon packed up…

Two weeks ago I left it in one of Warsaw’s best known camera repair centres to get the repair cost estimation and, if the cost was acceptable (below 100 PLN), to have it fixed. After a week a technician from the centre sent a valuation report, with costs totalling to 220 PLN (therein 40 PLN for the flex ribbon and 180 PLN for labour charges), so more than a working camera’s market value. Tomorrow I’m picking it up from the centre (one positive thing is that cost estimations free of charge are standard on the market) and my plan is to contact four other repair centres in Warsaw. If each offers to fix it for 100 PLN or more, the camera will be put up in Allegro and sold for as much as the most willing bidder will be ready to pay. Oddly enough, I found in the internet such repairs in provincial Poland cost around 70 PLN, but if I don’t go by chance there in business and don’t stay at least three days, a journey Tomaszów Lubelski only to have the camera mended doesn’t seem cost-effective.

The other option is to buy a new camera. It will be again a compact one, from the upper band of the low end, with all functions and enhancements my old Canon lacks. My candidate is currently Canon PowerShot SX 130, which given my needs offers an excellent trade-off between price (mere 399 PLN) and quality (12 times optical zoom, optical picture stabiliser, HD filming), but I’m holding off on the purchase until the issue of the old camera is sorted out.

I must say over the last days I did miss the possibility to take out the camera to immortalise the beauty of sunny and warm Polish autumn. On Friday I cycled to Las Kabacki and I could only use my out-of-ark (almost five years old, but always reliable – has never let me down) Nokia 3110 Classic, whose built-in camera is crappy (example to the right, snapped while moving at some 20 kmph) and I wished I could use a decent equipment. Yesterday morning I walked to the swimming pool in Piaseczno and back and again could not immortalise magnificently beautiful, sun-lit morning thick fog. Today I drove to the countryside to visit my great grandparents’ grave and again missed a camera which could document golden Polish autumn in full charm.

Over the last days I needed a camera to document the beauty of the nature, which shows after many weeks I am again sensitive to it. And I began to discern it again, I’m on the mend!

A propos my musings from before two weeks. What’s been happening with me is not just the example of defence mechanisms turning on. These have been also coping strategies harnessed to tackle adversities. How I changed over last months might also be the illustration of the process of psychological resilience taking place. Worth reading about this. Theory of economics says markets have self-stabilising mechanisms that bring them into equilibrium. It is fascinating to observe how psychology resembles economics. Both sciences explain mechanisms of self-regulation and both take note of their imperfections. Just as not all markets allocate resources in the most productive way, not all humans’ psyches find ways to cope with stress and to emerge stronger after facing adversities…

Before deciding to study at SGH I wanted to get in to faculty of psychology. I changed my mind in September 2005, eight months before leaving high school and don’t regret, but now it’s a great time to foster my interest in psychology.

* There is an alternative approach, saying quality of photography depends mostly on the photographer’s skills, as expressed by the Polish adage Na nic sprzętu kupa, jak fotograf d*pa.

I had a dream

Trying my best to break away for the last week. I’ve had some three crises over that time. The first one struck, quite naturally, in the second half of the working day on Wednesday, the second woke me up on Friday morning, the last one hit last night. Each one involved physical pain and pounding heart, but with each consecutive one intensity of pain wanes. I realise I can’t expect something which has been at the back of my mind for months to vanish into the air when I snap my fingers, but as I’ve finally got hold of myself I think I’m on the right track.

The first “crisis” was followed by one of the most uncanny dreams I’ve ever had in my life. It was deviously short and conspicuously realistic and thus has become etched in my memory. After a few days I still remember it well, with details and will try to take it into pieces.

I was in a laboratory in a local health centre. For no apparent reason I had to have my blood examined. I came there in a suit, took off the jacket, pulled up the right sleeve of my shirt and let a nurse prick a needle in my skin to suck in blood to a test tube. The needle punctured my skin and the blood began to gush; not trickled but gushed like a geyser. It splashed my shirt, suit, the nurse, who desperately tried to stem the small wound; to no avail. Then pressure under which my body pushed the blood from itself rose, the blood splattered walls and ceiling of the laboratory. The nurse ran to bring in other personnel to help her stem my bleeding. Somehow they couldn’t. I gazed at their endeavours and felt I was fading away. The less blood I had, the weaker I was and eventually I popped off and… woke up, paralysed by fear. It was half past two in the night and I was afraid to fall asleep again. I worried if I’d fallen asleep again, the dream would’ve ended and I’d have died.

For starters, a few questions regarding the very content of the dream…

Firstly, why did I need to have my blood examined? I had such examination in May, results were beyond reproach, I’m keeping fit, stay immune to germs flying around, cope well with stress… Leave out!

Secondly, why did I wear a suit? I have three suits – one for grand occasions and two put on when going to work only. This was one of those latter two. The first connection with work creeps over, but is misleading.

Thirdly, why a small wound brought about a flood of blood and why so many people who tried to help me couldn’t stem it?

Lust, but no least (watch out, this is a deliberately made spelling error, I saw such lapse once in a corporate mail and can’t get it out of my mind), why was I indifferently watching myself bleeding and patiently awaiting the imminent decease, if any sane creature that faces death desperately tries to save their life?

I told my parents about the weird dream, they told me it could signify I had a long life ahead.

I asked my female colleagues from the neighbouring team who start their working day from reading a horoscope if they could decipher the meaning of my dream and they found this. According to one of the first results uncle google spewed out, purport of a dream of blood is positive.

“Blood symbolises life (…), if it appears in dreams it renders openness, joy of life and self-esteem” – well, I turned from intraversion to moderate extraversion over the last year, despite last bad moments I smile a lot to people and display joy and have much self-confidence. As you read on, it gets more interesting.

“Blood is also a symbol of purification. When a body gets poisoned, blood is released to decontaminate the body. Blood appearing in a dream may signal a need to set free from secrets, problems or misdeeds. (…) In relationships between women and men the blood in a dream symbolises infidelity.” – if you have read through my previous post, you surely realise why I think the dream wasn’t haphazard.

“Blood might also by a symbol or sacrifice”. Extraverted people tend to do a lot for other people, even make sacrifices for them, and take pleasure in helping others.” – my workmates told me the dream rendered my personality well, but in their assessment they only covered how I behave towards people I work with. All, except one, couldn’t scratch beneath the surface and find the more important for me conclusion. Two reflections sprang to me mind. First, all the sacrifices I had in my mind were senseless. Second, the Elton John’s song. It tells a story of marriage going through a crisis, so surely it doesn’t reflect my personal situation, but contains one verse: It’s two hearts living in two separate worlds. I’ve written it once and maybe it’s the right moment to reiterate it – we are worlds apart and we’ll be still drifting apart.

“Finally, blood symbolises being born again (…) and may signal the desire to turn over a new leaf, in professional or personal realm of life” – and this is what breaking away is about – starting over :)

On Thursday afternoon I popped out for a lunch with a friend. She suggested I read about Jung’s contribution to dream analysis. Jung argued content of dreams should be put into a patient’s individual perspective. Only then the dream material can help rediscover someone’s sphere of the subconscious. I’m unfortunately not an expert in psychoanalysis, so I’m not capable of making any further steps towards taking this dream apart. But instead I found another website which says how Jung would generally interpret blood in a dream.

“According to Jung, blood is a source of life, love and spirituality. If we lose it in our dream, it means we feel emotional exhaustion and weakness and we should do something to overcome it” – if the chap has gone down in the history of psychoanalysis, there must have been a reason for it…

Another week passed by, interest rates weren’t cut (against analysts’ expectations), no new independent, party-backed candidate for a technical prime minister was presented, the incumbent prime minister delivered a speech, polls showed support for PiS was higher than for PO for the first time during five years of PO rule and meanwhile I focus on weird dreams… But who cares, I write for posterity!

Rozmowa z aniołem stróżem

It’s a transcript of a fictional conversation between my guardian angel and me. Most questions he is asking are the ones I have recently asked myself, most prompted by talks with several affable people who helped me realise I’m in a dead-end street and need to turn back…

I would like to say particular thanks to:

1) my colleague and soulmate Martyna, who for obvious reasons doesn’t know about the existence of this blog and who, in a surge of over-optimism about my odds to win, encouraged me to fight the losing battle,

2) my friend Ola, who by asking one fundamental question made me sure this is not love and has never been (fortunately),

3) fellow blogger Michael, for a gee-up to keep up the blog and instilling strength in me the moment I was faltering – thanks to him this is the first post since many weeks written out of pure inspiration, just like in times when I was at my best as a blogger.

Starring: Guardian Angel (GA), Bartek (B)

GA: So you confessed this accursed affection is a why and wherefore of how you have felt over the past months. You thought it would have to get better, you wanted to break away, you promised yourself to keep away from her and…

B: Promises are made to be broken… But she desperately needed me then and I’d have gone to hell and back to give her relief. I don’t know if I regret it. You know how torn I am…

GA: It’s long gone too far. You need to answer a few fundamental questions to at least partly comprehend what has happened. I won’t help you find your way around the whole state of affairs, but I’ll try to help you understand what you feel. We both know you’re unhappy without her, but… would you be happy with her?

B: Errr…

GA: Remember the corporate booze-up in late August? You got tanked up and began to flirt with your fifteen years older married colleague.

B: Are you reproaching me over flirting with her? This was just fun…

GA: I’d rather examine this later, you simplify the issue, it wasn’t fun, it was an escape. Anyway, you said you wouldn’t expect your wife to wash your socks, iron your shirts, clean the house, you’d make to do with a woman who’d be your best friend and who'd support you if you were in need.

B: I wasn’t tanked up yet at that moment, but indeed I meant what I said.

GA: So do you think she’s ever been your friend, has she ever been interested in your troubles when you’ve been in need? You were her shoulder to cry on when things were going bad, you knew the taste of her tears, but the hell did you see her smile when she was joyful?

B: The truth is bitter…

GA: There is the point. I won’t be gentle now and remind you one Friday from this June. You had fever of 39 degrees and took antibiotics after which you should not drive. Despite your parents’ begging you got into the car and drove to Warsaw to see her. She didn’t even notice your presence and when you approached her she, unlike other people, told you to back away. Do you remember how you felt then, how your parents feared? Should I remind you the yelling phases or other moments you’d probably wish to forget?

B: Do you want to these wounds to heal? Or are you trying make it ache even worse?

GA: I only want to show you how suffused with bitterness you are. There’s been too much pain along the way that time won’t erase it. Plus note one more thing. She’s not the same girl you met over a year ago…

B: Well, that’s a paradox, if I’m unhappy without her and I wouldn’t be happy with her, then I’m trapped, devoid of chance for happiness. Maybe that’s not over…

GA: Let’s check. But be honest. What was the happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Those days when we were so close together…

GA: And what was the second happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Thejourney to Olsztyn for the wedding…

GA: Why?

B: Actually maybe because I had a chance not to think about her. I did think about her several times but my thoughts were drowned out…

GA: What do you feel when you’re beside her?

B: Anything but pleasure and ease…

GA: What do you feel when you’re away from her?

B: Relief…

GA: Am I not hitting the nail in the head. You feel better you’re apart than together. Let’s face the truth, look how you behave, you take every opportunity to lengthen the distance between you, you make use of every excuse to escape her. You turn your eyes away not to see her… Automatic stabilisers of your psyche run at full steam to keep you sane…

B: You sly psychoanalyst…

GA: So you can’t deny it. What happens with you is a classic example of defence mechanism turning on. There’s nothing to worry about. Imagine you drive a car and see an obstacle coming onto your way. Your naturally want to avoid a collision. In the case of human psyche it works the same way – you naturally avoid situations which could cause you pain. This prevents you from going insane. Recall your recent indifference about her…

B: Hang on, I don’t feel comfortable with that indifference.

GA: But you prefer to be indifferent and even kick yourself for that. It’s less painful than any emotional commitment that would sooner or later wound you.

B: You can say that again, I’d rather stay stone-cold than burn, as I used to.

GA: Good you mentioned it, look at yourself, there’s almost nothing left to burn. You’re already so burnt-out that you couldn’t take pleasure in being with her. Don’t burn any more, unless you want to burn down. Save what is best in you someone who’d deserve it, for somebody who’d be your best friend and supporter.

B: I’m not aflame, but still something’s smouldering inside me. Do you know my mind is cleansing itself, but my heart, it literally aches…

GA: After all I’m your guardian angel, I know when and how it aches. There is a breaking point at which the pain gets physical.

B: Breaking point? I’d rather wait for a turning point, if I fell so low, I’d like to bottom out. What’s going to happen next?

GA: Firstly, sorrow which overwhelms you is not a feeling which should be fostered and definitely not something you should flaunt.

B: But what about her?

GA: Bite the bullet on it. Don’t let all the bitterness overcome you. Don’t think about separating yourself from her. Show she’s going to knock you down, make yourself a winner. Demonstrate manly fortitude in the face of adversity! Don’t break down, break away! Give yourself time and you’ll get over it.

B: Once I thought I would follow that path, but I went astray, the whole plan went down the drain…

GA: Now it’s less likely to happen, yet not improbable. Your defence mechanisms protect you from giving in again, but I don’t know what circumstances in the future will be. There might be a situation when your defence mechanisms turn off. I have no idea whether you’d come out of it burnt and bruised or elated. But if it happens, don’t expect me to hold you back. You fate lies in your hands… My time’s up, I’ll be pushing along…

B: Well, thanks my angel. Anything you’d like to add?

GA: Remember you have a lot to lose. I know these goings-on involve negative emotions you need to give vent to, but remember…

Don’t drive aggressively as you did recently – you haven’t had any accident and may it stay so, the aftermaths of a collision are not only about smashed-up vehicles, you can damage someone’s health or take away someone’s life.

Be careful at work. You’re recognised, received accolades, people respect and appreciate you, so don’t let any lapse of concentration cause you to make egregious errors and don’t let anyone suspect what you feel.

Look at the bright side of this affection. It has made you stronger, it has toughened you up, you’ve grown in self-confidence, risen to many challenges, did well in extremely difficult situations, but beware – what you’d do was often dicey and you were always in the luck not to fall into troubles (often to protect her), so don’t repeat it.

Don’t overkill. A man should be tough when necessary and soft, if circumstances require it. Don’t wipe away the softness you’ll need to demonstrate one day

Don’t try to do stupid things to allay the pain at any price. Relief would be temporary and that time around you may seriously hurt someone else or harm yourself.

And foster your friendships. Those very people who proved recently how much they care for your happiness deserve your attention, time and emotions. Meet them, do them small pleasures, share their joys and keep the company when they feel down. And hold your head up, may your good mood rub off on other people. Smile to the world and the world will smile back to you…

The end...

With hindsight the post looks like a self-humiliation, but I'm not ashamed of it.