It’s
a transcript of a fictional conversation between my guardian angel and me. Most
questions he is asking are the ones I have recently asked myself, most prompted
by talks with several affable people who helped me realise I’m in a dead-end
street and need to turn back…
I would
like to say particular thanks to:
1) my
colleague and soulmate Martyna, who for obvious reasons doesn’t know about the
existence of this blog and who, in a surge of over-optimism about my odds to
win, encouraged me to fight the losing battle,
2) my
friend Ola, who by asking one fundamental question made me sure this is not
love and has never been (fortunately),
3) fellow
blogger Michael, for a gee-up to keep up the blog and instilling strength in me
the moment I was faltering – thanks to him this is the first post since many
weeks written out of pure inspiration, just like in times when I was at my best
as a blogger.
Starring:
Guardian Angel (GA), Bartek (B)
GA: So you
confessed this accursed affection is a why and wherefore of how you have felt
over the past months. You thought it would have to get better, you wanted to
break away, you promised yourself to keep away from her and…
B: Promises
are made to be broken… But she desperately needed me then and I’d have gone to
hell and back to give her relief. I don’t know if I regret it. You know how
torn I am…
GA: It’s
long gone too far. You need to answer a few fundamental questions to at least
partly comprehend what has happened. I won’t help you find your way around the
whole state of affairs, but I’ll try to help you understand what you feel. We
both know you’re unhappy without her, but… would you be happy with her?
B: Errr…
GA:
Remember the corporate booze-up in late August? You got tanked up and began to flirt
with your fifteen years older married colleague.
B: Are you
reproaching me over flirting with her? This was just fun…
GA: I’d
rather examine this later, you simplify the issue, it wasn’t fun, it was an
escape. Anyway, you said you wouldn’t expect your wife to wash your socks, iron
your shirts, clean the house, you’d make to do with a woman who’d be your best
friend and who'd support you if you were in need.
B: I wasn’t
tanked up yet at that moment, but indeed I meant what I said.
GA: So do
you think she’s ever been your friend, has she ever been interested in your
troubles when you’ve been in need? You were her shoulder to cry on when things
were going bad, you knew the taste of her tears, but the hell did you see her
smile when she was joyful?
B: The
truth is bitter…
GA: There
is the point. I won’t be gentle now and remind you one Friday from this June.
You had fever of 39 degrees and took antibiotics after which you should not
drive. Despite your parents’ begging you got into the car and drove to Warsaw
to see her. She didn’t even notice your presence and when you approached her
she, unlike other people, told you to back away. Do you remember how you felt
then, how your parents feared? Should I remind you the yelling phases or other
moments you’d probably wish to forget?
B: Do you
want to these wounds to heal? Or are you trying make it ache even worse?
GA: I only
want to show you how suffused with bitterness you are. There’s been too much
pain along the way that time won’t erase it. Plus note one more thing. She’s
not the same girl you met over a year ago…
B: Well,
that’s a paradox, if I’m unhappy without her and I wouldn’t be happy with her,
then I’m trapped, devoid of chance for happiness. Maybe that’s not over…
GA: Let’s
check. But be honest. What was the happiest moment over the last quarter?
B: Those
days when we were so close together…
GA: And
what was the second happiest moment over the last quarter?
GA: Why?
B: Actually
maybe because I had a chance not to think about her. I did think about her
several times but my thoughts were drowned out…
GA: What do
you feel when you’re beside her?
B: Anything
but pleasure and ease…
GA: What do
you feel when you’re away from her?
B: Relief…
GA: Am I
not hitting the nail in the head. You feel better you’re apart than together.
Let’s face the truth, look how you behave, you take every opportunity to
lengthen the distance between you, you make use of every excuse to escape her.
You turn your eyes away not to see her… Automatic stabilisers of your psyche
run at full steam to keep you sane…
B: You sly
psychoanalyst…
GA: So you
can’t deny it. What happens with you is a classic example of defence mechanism
turning on. There’s nothing to worry about. Imagine you drive a car and see an
obstacle coming onto your way. Your naturally want to avoid a collision. In the
case of human psyche it works the same way – you naturally avoid situations
which could cause you pain. This prevents you from going insane. Recall your
recent indifference about her…
B: Hang on,
I don’t feel comfortable with that indifference.
GA: But you
prefer to be indifferent and even kick yourself for that. It’s less painful
than any emotional commitment that would sooner or later wound you.
B: You can
say that again, I’d rather stay stone-cold than burn, as I used to.
GA: Good
you mentioned it, look at yourself, there’s almost nothing left to burn. You’re
already so burnt-out that you couldn’t take pleasure in being with her. Don’t
burn any more, unless you want to burn down. Save what is best in you someone
who’d deserve it, for somebody who’d be your best friend and supporter.
B: I’m not
aflame, but still something’s smouldering inside me. Do you know my mind is
cleansing itself, but my heart, it literally aches…
GA: After
all I’m your guardian angel, I know when and how it aches. There is a breaking
point at which the pain gets physical.
B: Breaking
point? I’d rather wait for a turning point, if I fell so low, I’d like to
bottom out. What’s going to happen next?
GA:
Firstly, sorrow which overwhelms you is not a feeling which should be fostered
and definitely not something you should flaunt.
B: But what
about her?
GA: Bite
the bullet on it. Don’t let all the bitterness overcome you. Don’t think about
separating yourself from her. Show she’s going to knock you down, make yourself
a winner. Demonstrate manly fortitude in the face of adversity! Don’t break
down, break away! Give yourself time and you’ll get over it.
B: Once I
thought I would follow that path, but I went astray, the whole plan went down
the drain…
GA: Now
it’s less likely to happen, yet not improbable. Your defence mechanisms protect
you from giving in again, but I don’t know what circumstances in the future
will be. There might be a situation when your defence mechanisms turn off. I
have no idea whether you’d come out of it burnt and bruised or elated. But if
it happens, don’t expect me to hold you back. You fate lies in your hands… My
time’s up, I’ll be pushing along…
B: Well,
thanks my angel. Anything you’d like to add?
GA:
Remember you have a lot to lose. I know these goings-on involve negative
emotions you need to give vent to, but remember…
Don’t drive
aggressively as you did recently – you haven’t had any accident and may it stay
so, the aftermaths of a collision are not only about smashed-up vehicles, you
can damage someone’s health or take away someone’s life.
Be careful
at work. You’re recognised, received accolades, people respect and appreciate
you, so don’t let any lapse of concentration cause you to make egregious errors
and don’t let anyone suspect what you feel.
Look at the
bright side of this affection. It has made you stronger, it has toughened you up, you’ve grown in self-confidence, risen to many challenges, did well in
extremely difficult situations, but beware – what you’d do was often dicey and
you were always in the luck not to fall into troubles (often to protect her),
so don’t repeat it.
Don’t
overkill. A man should be tough when necessary and soft, if circumstances
require it. Don’t wipe away the softness you’ll need to demonstrate one day
Don’t try
to do stupid things to allay the pain at any price. Relief would be temporary
and that time around you may seriously hurt someone else or harm yourself.
And foster
your friendships. Those very people who proved recently how much they care for
your happiness deserve your attention, time and emotions. Meet them, do them
small pleasures, share their joys and keep the company when they feel down. And
hold your head up, may your good mood rub off on other people. Smile to the
world and the world will smile back to you…
The end...
With hindsight the post looks like a self-humiliation, but I'm not ashamed of it.
With hindsight the post looks like a self-humiliation, but I'm not ashamed of it.
2 comments:
Doesn't seem like self humiliation to me, rather more like a sober talking to.
If I could be of any help I would say that our feelings sometimes get the better of us, especially so in situations where affection is concerned. The problem is that it's sometimes very difficult to distinguish between what we feel for someone and how the that person makes us feel about ourselves. I recently broke down in tears when a dear friend finally found someone to marry after many many years of searching. His criteria? Someone who shared his interests, was self confident, discerning, but without any hangups. Most important of all was that he wanted someone who shared his religious convictions. This way both he and she would be treading a path in their marriage where they themselves are not the aim of the journey but God is. No, they're not religious fanatics, just straightforward people who know what's worthwhile in life. This way their journey will have the same goal and bring them closer together along the way. I hope you find the peace of heart to wait for that someone who will have the same goals as you, and may those goals be mystical rather than material.
Adam,
thanks for the heartening comment.
Post a Comment