Sunday, 7 April 2013

Guardian Angel conversation – follow-up

Exactly six months have gone by since I posted here the memorable (imaginary) dialogue between my Guardian Angel and me. One could argue whether it makes any sense to revert to it, my Guardian Angel has seen everything from above, the affection even half a year ago was in a point of no return, so why? Firstly, to satisfy curiosity of those readers who wonder how I’ve moved on; secondly (and mostly, given number of understatements in this post and how much is written between the lines) for myself, to bear testimony of my state of mind and to save it for posterity.

Chapter 1 – “No pieces to pick up”

October 2012

First days are an intense battle with several ups and downs. I tell my Soulmate about the dream of bleeding. To my surprise, she changed her mind very quickly. She had persuaded me to fight till I hit the wall and now she claims the purport of the dream is not coincidental – I should stop bleeding, any sacrifices will get me nowhere, I need to purify my soul…

With time I learn to control my psyche. Whatever it is – defence mechanisms, coping strategies or resilience, I learn how to cope with emotional pain. A friend interested in psychology tells me these mental safety valves I’ve taken control of should work in my subconscious and if a human learns how to manipulate them to ease the pain, it’s a pathology. Her claim makes sense, I’ve grown immune to some emotions, but on other hand I’ve become emotionally numb. Have I been actually doing well? I could tell everyone znieczulenie (literally: anaesthesia) worked fine… Side effect – three kilograms down within one month and I’m on the verge of being underweight according to Body Mass Index (by today I’m put on only two out of those three).

November 2012

The znieczulenie seems to work well, but some days I feel like somebody cuts off morphine… One day I hear this and it brings about revelation – I embrace the naturalness and indispensability of what I feel…

Around the middle of the month defence mechanisms break down, coping strategies pack up and resilience is called into question. For the last two days before leaving for two weeks off before the exam I simply feel like yelling… Two days of separation and it ceases to haunt me. I manage to focus on learning and swot up at full steam.

1 December 2012

Exam day. I turn up to the exam centre far before check-in gates open, just like a Pole cautiously arriving early at the airport :) During the wait I recall Her words “You’re young, you have to learn a lot to earn a livelihood for a family, I still hope somebody will earn a livelihood for Me”. Was I supposed to read between the lines the message She wanted me to do it for Her, or was it just a general statement? Here and now I can be only sure I’m taking this exam for myself. During the midday break my thought again drift away in the wrong direction… I ask myself why? She doesn’t care… I return to the cold room, pull myself together and get ahead.

Chapter 2 – “No dust to sweep”

First week of December 2012. Upon my return She tells me she hopes I pass it and doesn’t want me bring shame on our employer. I smirk… From the very beginning I’m overloaded with work and catch-up for the “holiday” period. In a surge of laziness I tell my Soulmate I lack energy to plug away. She advises me to take a sick leave. I say there is no reason why any doctor would write it out for me. The Soulmate points out her friend got it for a “broken heart”, so why I couldn’t I. I reply immersing in work might be a cure for a broken heart, but not in my case. Everyone around can hear it, some look at us with dread or astonishment. There’s nothing to be proud about, but have I done something I should be ashamed of?

11 December 2012

My 25th birthday. She stand-offishly congratulates me on entering the adulthood and shakes my hand. Her palm is cold and bony, her grip no longer gentle and delicate. The distance between us is longer than ever…

Soon after

Her birthday. She’s older than me. In a year it will be a round number. I wish Her that all He dreams come true and that She is always happy, minding myself to stay at least one and a half metres away from Her. In Scandinavian culture this is the borderline of intimacy I promise myself not to overstep (never again). This all plunges me into another yelling phase.

I return home and begin to browse job advertisements… I find an opening for a very similar position with a renowned competitors of my employer. I update my CV and string together a very decent letter of application, then send the set of documents. When I realise I’ve done it not for job-related reason, but in a fit of pique, a potential employer has my application in its HR inbox.

When I return to the state of full sanity it occurs maybe new job is not a bad idea. I begin to play hard with my current employer – if I’m about to stay, why not getting a compensation for having to see Her? I bluff to my manager I’m about to have a commitment letter from another employer and threaten to potentially leave in February. My declaration strikes him out of the blue and wipes the smile off his face. He seems determined to keep me in…

In the meantime the “Natalia story” plays out in the background. There were two other women I met at that time, one before Natalia, one before it falls apart and after. Lesson learnt: never try going out with somebody out of desperation.

January 2013

I accept an invitation for an interview with another employer. I think I’m doing quite well, because I’m warned by would-be manager is an arsehole. I’m self-assured, self-confident and at times rude. This impresses him… I ask myself whether I’d want to sell my soul to a devil. My current boss is anything, but complex-ridden, we have the same sense of humour, are generally on the same wavelength and he instantly launched the process of persuading me to stay… Is it worth losing it? Lesson learnt: decisions impacting career should not be taken when you’re overcome by emotions.

22 January 2013

I get the exam results. I call my manager to pass on the good news, in return he informs he’s received all approvals for my promotion and pay rise. I ask him to make this pass unnoticed, he agrees. I step up efforts not to let Her find out about my successes. Seemingly it’s over, so why do I act like this? Tit for tat? My boss hands me annex to job contract in private, news of passed exam are dosed selectively – those who ask get the news, She doesn’t… Promotion and considerable salary hike are not a breakthrough, nor add me any self-confidence. Nothing actually changed. What a funny twist of fate…

Chapter 3 – “Not a single particle of oxygen to let it breathe”

For all this time life has run its course. Heart and mind had parted company long before and their path have not converged till now. It’s even better, I’ve always stayed totally sane (with a small exception of applying for a job, but that’s done me only good), done well at work and in everyday life.

Let’s face the truth. It not only couldn’t work out… It not only stood no chance to work out… It had no accursed right to work out and on top was doomed to fail…

She wouldn’t be happy with me. I wouldn’t be happy with Her. For Her part, She needed somebody of Her age, offering Her stability and financial safety, something I could give Her within a few years, but not when I was 24… and not when we had a “common” source of income. And for She was on that stage of life when a woman runs out of time for waiting… Formal obstacles can be gone around, if you want, you’ll always find a way, but age difference does matter and will always make itself felt. For my part, there’s one fundamental reason why there was no chance for a happy ending – you can’t be with somebody you don’t trust… I’d never really trusted Her and time only proved my intuition right…

It no longer hurts, but it still itches. We see each other almost every day, but apart from “hi” we talk only when we really have to. I still find this mind-boggling… She would whisper to me about Her inmost desires, fears and plans for future. We both were gradually cutting short the flow of information between us, now I know nothing about what happened in Her life over the last months. I would hazard a guess She’s generally happy, but judging only by the way She behaves, you wouldn’t tell it. I suppose She’d prefer not to see me any more (I’d also rather not see Her) and given all the circumstances, Her reasoning is to some extent justifiable. To some extent, yet not entirely. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt Her (and I’ll probably never find out whether I did it) and let’s speak it out… it takes two to tango… So maybe She has remorse…

A few months ago I was telling myself I would break away if I understood what this actually was. I had to give up on it. There are more questions and answers and odds to strike a balance between are close to zero. Understanding is out of reach and despite this I’ve broken away… I’m free, yet wounds haven’t fully healed, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Interesting summation - at 25 you are going through all the 'right things'. Better and sometimes worse are to come - but that's life.

Keep plugging away and moving forward.