Second half
of August. Still warm and sunny, but after prolonged drought trees begin to
shed their leaves, nights are getting longer, evening and morning are getting
colder. Imminent onset of autumn brings out reflective moods, thoughts of time
inexorably passing by. Seasons of the year change and with each next such cycle
each of us a year older, one year closer to departure, has one year fewer to
make the most of our lives…
On 1 August
I got a text message. An university friend invited me for a party thrown on
occasion of her 26th birthday. Many of us after passing by the
quarter-of-century milestone avowed to desist from fulsome celebrations. These
were naturally jokes, we are far from being and feeling old, but one’s 20s are
the times when you no longer want to be older to get more independence,
freedom, etc. The best years, that are said to be the period of studies, are
gone and so many of my peers, although they still feel young, would appreciate
a chance to rejuvenate themselves… Coming back to the main thread, I was
delighted to get the opportunity to meet up with some of fellow students and
to… maybe meet some new people. From what I noticed, with time such
opportunities may become rare, especially if you have a specific circle of
friends that seldom extends beyond them and if your life begins to revolve
around work… The party was scheduled, conveniently for me, for Saturday
evening, but on the preceding Wednesday the friend decided to bring it forward
for Friday evening. Not a favourable coincidence. Had that day a rough ride at
work that went on despite Friday late afternoon and continued, for me, until
after seven p.m., when I could hand over the job to another team, whose members
were supposed to finish it, and knock off. Tired, hungry and anything, but
freshened up I turned up home twenty minutes after eight p.m., barely escaping
an impending rainstorm. An opportunity missed. A friend who, for the same
reasons, also could not make it on Friday promised to meet the party host when
pressure in her office eases up, but… well, it won’t be the same.
What I’m
getting at is that life after graduation has grown in some monotony and funnily
enough, amount of spare time has shrunk since then. Just look at the history of
this blog – in summer of 2010 when I began the first full-time job with my
current employer, posting frequency declinde to reach the bare minimum of one
post per week (such frequency, on average, allows to call your blog “regularly
run”). Weekly timetables changing each semester, new courses and lecturers,
every-day opportunities to get familiar with someone or something new are, in
their pre-2011 intensity, thing of the past. Each day begins to look the same –
knocking on at 8 a.m, leaving office between 4:30 p.m. and 7 p.m., each day
roughly the same faces (I should be thankful to my employer for its methods of
accelerating staff turnover ;-)), one of a few routes to and from work. Don’t
get me wrong – I’m not complaining. I do draw a lot of satisfaction from my
work, get on well with my workmates (feeling of being the odd one has waned a
bit), the job is financially rewarding and despite some drawbacks, the bottom
line is without doubt positive. The monotony has crept in and it can’t be
helped. If you say changing a job might be an option, I will refute by saying
“not really” – I’d meet new people, face new challenges, immerse in new
corporate culture, etc., but after a few months the problem could revert and
even exacerbate, if I felt the decision had not been right.
The real
issue is that, like many people of my age, I utilise nearly 100% of my
bountiful energy at work. This means I’m motivated, flexible, energising – each
employer would appreciate such employee, before they burn out. From my
standpoint such risk doesn’t threaten me, but in a few years, who knows? The
rest of my energy I offload by cycling and swimming regularly and doing
household chores that require more physical effort. This has commendable side
effects, as I’m fitter than as a student (despite starting to use a car every
day), and should be kept up no matter what future holds, but is not a
sustainable way to ensure mental balance in the long-run. To be truly happy in
life, you can’t live for pleasure or for money, you can’t live for yourself,
you have to live for the others… Focusing on work is not sustainable,
especially if your employer doesn’t offer you stability. Job loss hence does
not have to be confined to loss of salary and financial hardship or blank hole
in your CV, for someone whose commitment (not mistake it for a drama of
workaholics, these are two different problems) to work is excessive, mental
shock might be more painful…
The only
real option is pairing up and raising a family. At some stage bonds with
friends naturally loosen up when they get married, go abroad, become
preoccupied with their carriers. Personal life should have a priority,
professional life is essential, should give satisfaction and pleasure, be the
source of income, but should not occupy the top position on the list of priorities…
Just signed
up for the level 2 of the exam. The exam is traditionally scheduled for the
first Saturday of June, my self-study is planned to kick off with the end of
summer holidays. Nine months spent learning. A friend (incidentally the same
who failed to come to the party on account of burning the midnight oil at work)
said it would do me good, as I would have a goal to pursue. I argued this coin
had the other side, as this goal is too specific and set in time, so that there
is little beyond it. I can take the exam, a few weeks after learn to have
passed it, maybe get a pay rise. And then what? The third level? Next some nine
months spent swotting up? If I do well, again passed. Then what? Earning a
charter? Getting a promotion? More money? More authority? More respect? And on
the sidelines what? Life slipping through my fingers, feeling of time passing
by more and more quickly – turning 30 soon and apart from professional success
anything else?
I’m not
trying to debase the importance of development and education. Such career path
is chosen by many young people who deliberately put back raising families until
they turn 30, reach financial stability etc. Some do this successfully, some
fail and suffer. It’s not that I claim one idea for life is right, while the
other wrong. It’s not about passing judgements, it’s only about weighing up
pros and cons, before it’s too late, to avoid regretting.
“Polityka”
in July printed an article on singles and their loneliness. My Soulmate (my
workmate, aged 38, married woman) upon reading this said I was on the path on
become one from the most pitiful group of singles… Young (below 30 or even 35)
singles have been accepted by the society and postponing the moment of tying
the knot is natural these days; reasons to worry crop up when you turn 35. The
group is said to be most pitiful, as one of their representatives, woman aged
38, TV producer, claims even her rubbish are pitiful. Key conclusions from that
part of the article are:
1) most of
older (>35) singles in fact don’t look for a partner or their search is doom
to fail, as their expectations towards idealised second half are too
exorbitant,
2) they
have been convinced by their nearest and dearest they deserve someone
exceptional,
(my
comment: the two together entrap them, in a certain age it’s no use in “cherry
picking”, as cherries are long in relationships are few of them return to
“secondary market”, they can only go after “leftovers”)
3) one
fourth of well-educated women from big cities are not in a relationship and
fill in the emptiness by working like dogs,
4) the
demand for a self-confident, motivated, excessively committed to their employer
single has been created by contemporary capitalism, which apart from letting
singles earn well and bringing them on unfettered consumption, produced hollow
employees who might easily get lost in critical situation and whose value for
the company might diminish rapidly,
5) being in
a relationship increases resistance to stress and reduces risk of burnout and
becoming a workaholic, because living for another person gives sense of life…
Of course
as one day your company may fire you, your personal life may also shutter
unexpectedly. Bereavements, divorces and other misfortunate events happen and
so what – life’s about taking risks. You may say having a happy personal life
without good job, decent money, wealth, feeling secure is worth little, but
having all things people bend over backwards to chase and grab, and having no
personal life, is then worth nothing…
How many
times can the delusions be shattered? Over the last two years, how many times
did it seemed this gloom was coming to an end? How many times did I think the
orange glow on eastern sky signalled those were the last moments of darkness
before the dawn? Each time the glow darkened and there was no sunrise. There
were intimations of daybreak, the was some dim light in the night, but the sun
has not come up. After each such dashed hope there is a period of withdrawal
that lasts some 4 months (in more serious cases it takes longer to recover).
Then ensues a revival. If you don’t try, you won’t succeed. Happiness is in
your hands, if this time and next time it doesn’t work out, you can’t lose your
heart…
1 comment:
No need for gloom at this stage. Remember, the optimal age difference for man-woman is plus seven to eight years (older man).
What a woman wants from a man is principally a carer; having the cash to give her security is crucial.
But a relationship should not be based on strategies and ruses; the important thing is intimacy - and this includes sharing the deepest secrets of one another's souls.
Don't rush into a mistake because you feel the need to settle down now. But then it is a numbers game; you do also need to get out and meet MANY woman - with the knowledge that NEARLY ALL will not be The One.
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