It has been
an affection, it has been a both-sided, reciprocated affection. It’s been longing
and yearning, hoping and trusting. But each affection, each fascination must
evolve into a friendship if two people are to share the daily life without
going mad under one roof. And after all, two people must really fit each other,
share the same values and, arguably, exhibit the same approach to down-to-earth
stuff. Some say if not, burning-hot romance ends in an ice-cold break-up…
Once I have
been told at the age of nearly 30 after half a year of relationship you should
already know whether your girlfriend or boyfriend is a potential life companion
or not. At such time you cannot wait for years, enjoying the carefree going out
until it gets really serious. When you are 30 there is little time to waste, so
either you keep it going forever or let it burn down in flames and walk
separate ways to give yourself more time to find a better opportunity (out of
those already scarce).
We have
decided to keep it secret. Under the current circumstances hiding us from some
part of the world seems an optimal solution, but I am sick of concealing the
joy you bring out in me.
But joy is
not the only feeling that haunts me because of you. My closest friends realise
it is not as rose-coloured as it ought to be on such early (fourth month) stage
of relationship when butterflies should still fly in a stomach and a girlfriend
should be idealised.
Since
between the lines you suggest one day we would get married, I need to ask
myself whether I would imagine daily life with you, running a house, sharing
household duties and particularly, raising children. Admittedly I have doubts
and wonder how to share them with you, mindful after all you are very sensitive
and you care much, though you show it so peculiarly…
So what
fills me with so much dread…?
Firstly,
your nutrition habits. No, not that you are vegetarian, but that you eat so
little, not because you are not hungry (I wonder how often you actually are
hungry), but because for some reason you do not come by food. If somebody
arranges you the food and puts a plate under your nose, you eat with alacrity.
In the long run not bringing enough calories to your body would be to the
detriment of your health.
Secondly,
fending for yourself, or rather not doing it. I was shocked to learn one day
when you had your period you cycled 120 kilometres without changing your
sanitary towel, ate one bar of chocolate and ice-cream and drank less than a
litre of beverages along the way.
Bringing
back the above, I cannot imagine you being pregnant (I would worry you
miscarry) or looking after our children.
Thirdly,
what turns you on (not in bed…) when it comes to spending free time, where and how
you would like to travel, what you would spend money on and what to save on…
At times I
wonder whether you have not painted an idealised picture of me in my head and
whether you are not confronting it with reality. If I am to be happy with you,
I need to be myself and you have to embrace me the way I am, with all my
shortcomings (not meaning I would not fight them). I could strain myself you
live up to your expectations, but pretending to be someone else would lead us
nowhere. Maybe if I do not fit your notion of your ideal life companion,
breaking up should be an option and little room for compromise should be left.
Yes, I am
afraid of breaking up. But I should strive to seek reasons to keep it going. To
have somebody to copulate with (recently even this gives little pleasure)? To
have somebody to spend my free time with? To avert loneliness and returning to
sad, yet stable life I led before we met? I heard sticking to a lousy
relationship and making concessions not to let it terminate proves one’s low
self-esteem…
My friends
tell me to give it up. They claim since the onset of this relationship I have
been emotionally mangled, instead of bursting with joy, I have been apathic,
not a typical symptom of infatuation… Someone who has spent some time with you
told me if I am to carry on, I should be prepared for rough rides just like
parents who decide to adopt an orphan who might be genuinely good, but with a
burden of past harms and hurts, might turn out to be a problem child. Another
friend has told me I should not delude myself I would shape you or teach you
things your parents failed to teach you. They might all be right, but I have
invested too much time and emotions into this relationship to take the path of
least resistance and break it up. No one promised an easy deal…
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