In my journey I have come across an interview with Mr Jacek Masłowski, a founder of Fundacja Masculinum. Not an outstanding one, yet thought-provoking.
As it turns out, the core quandary of today's males is inability to define their manhood. They feel lost between conflicting expectations stemming from traditional role of a man (which have not been nullified) and modern model of manhood.
Women have partly set themselves free from patriarchy, men fall victim to it still, as most of them are lagging behind women and struggle to define their identity. Instead of being the way they wish to be like, they rely on social norms or other people's expectations which make up a lengthy list of dos and don'ts for a "genuine" male. In this maze of expectations men lack self-insight, cannot name their feelings, admit them, not to mention speaking them out.
As Mr Masłowski points out, drawing on his experience from several workshops run for contemporary males (average age of 40), they overly focus on meeting other people's needs and living up to their expectations. This is particularly visible in romantic relationships and to much lesser extent when it comes to contacts with children, parents, siblings, friends or in workplaces.
They end up losing themselves in pursuits of their female partners' expectations mostly to seek their acceptance. The common mistake made here is that a person to be accepted is not a person who they are. With good intentions in mind they lay deceit as foundation of romantic relationships and try hard to slide into it. Some carry on like this for decades, for others the endless struggle is debilitating enough to blow up their relationships.
Another problem Mr Masłowski elaborates on is the quality of males’ relationships, especially with fellow men. Here females, much more open to speak of their weaknesses and failures, prove their superiority which is beneficial to mental health. Men in turn still foster the primeval instinct of rivalry which prompts them to boast of accomplishments and build image of a powerful man who never exposes his frailty. Needless to say, this hardly ever squares with reality. The outcome is that men are plagued by loneliness.
Is there a fix for this? Mr Masłowski uses a metaphor of an armour. He asserts men are told to wear it all the time, although it is heavy and impractical. He posits men should be familiar with armours, but put them on only when necessary, an allegory I consider brilliant.
At the end you should ask if I practice what I preach. My contribution to the failure of my recent romantic relationship suggest I have not. I can only declare to strive not to repeat my mistakes in the future. When hanging out with fellow men, I am straightforward and encourage honesty, especially by embracing all signs of their frailty. I hope more of us, adult, but noy yet middle-aged men, realise we have been walking a dead-end street and it is never too late to turn back.
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