Eight dates - book review

Definitely I am not a fan of counselling, nor am I keen to give or receive advice how to live. Nevertheless, my choice of books I read is mostly based on recommendations (most often given by friends, less frequently run across when reading), so when a friend, who is a post-graduate psychology student, suggested I borrow the aforementioned script from a local library, I followed her endorsement.

The book, written by a relationship guru John M. Gottman (most famous for this theory of four horsemen of relationship doom: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) and his wife, emphasises the role of open, honest and straightforward communication in a romantic relationship. As the authors point out, areas crucial for relationship out to be talked over, in order to enhance mutual understanding in a relationship. Judging by stories of divorces and break-ups, many could have been evaded, had people spoken up properly early. The journey through getting more familiar with each other runs through eight conversation topics for eight separate dates. I split them into chapters, in line with how the manuscript is structured.

Chapter 1: trust and commitment. Those are the notions individuals may construe and exhibit differently. The authors forget to add no relationship can survive in long run without trust and without putting a partner’s trust to the test (imagine your partners leaving for a weekend in a woods only with their friend of the opposite sex, assuming you are in a heterosexual couple). Commitment in turn may be shown in several ways and may vary in intensity. A blossoming relationship should match expectations of partners and most natural ways of expressing commitment, with reliability being sometimes a forgotten (also in the book) part of it.

Chapter 2: addressing conflict. Where two people meet, differences leading to clashes will inevitably turn up. Reasons for divergence might be twofold: either situational, i.e. stemming from a person’s behaviour, or fundamental, i.e. arising from different hierarchy of values or lifestyle. The former are easily curable and not difficult to deal with, unless at least one partner is stubborn. The latter are to be (or not) learnt to be lived with. Statistics from long-term research sample of relationships Gottmans examined over years revealed 69% of long-lasting couples had to cope with fundamental differences and got ahead despite hardships.

Chapter 3: sex and intimacy. In a monogamic relationship this is a sphere reserved for a partner only, so any deficiencies as a matter of principle should not be made up for with other people. On top, since generations this has been a taboo topic hence an open conversation on one’s desires, limitations, fear and inhibitions might be difficult.

Chapter 4: work and money. Here I must say authors have done a reasonably good job of describing two drivers of attitude towards money. Highly generalising, some people treat money primarily as a source of security (in case of unemployment, illness, to ensure income for retirement), others as a source of pleasure (the joy of consumption). A conversation about money should be hence grounded in what money means for a person and what habits one has learnt at home. Money-related issues are one of the most common conflict areas in relationships, hence talking about it is a must. Aside from what the authors come up with, I would add managing finances is about balancing long-term goals (retirement, education for children, property purchases) and short-term consumption. Overweighting any of two ways of allocating pecuniary surpluses might end up badly, but a couple should together how much of current consumption they wish to sacrifice to pursue long-term goals. Earning money refers also to striking a balance between working more to increase wealth and spending time with nearest and dearest. The proportions might and will differ at specific stages of life, but the decision where to set the scales ought to be taken together.

Chapter 5: family. The writers claim many differences may be overcome, but vision of family is a fundamental one and a disagreement in this respect is so critical that it may lead to a relationship break-up and no cure for it ought to be sought. The word “family” refers to the one raised by a couple, which involves several questions, not just if to have offspring or not. Couples should ask themselves how many children they want to raise, when, how to share childcare duties and how to bring them up. Children, in order to grow up happily need both loving parents, the relationship between them should not be neglected at the expense of time spent looking after offspring. One day they will fly the nest and the bond between partners should be strong enough to allow for rebirth of their relationship at that stage. The same word also pertains to families in which partners were raised, frequence and intensity or relationships with relatives as they are also one of more frequent motives for quarrels.

Chapter 6: fun and adventure. This part is about not letting a mature relationship rest on laurels and reigniting it by trying out new activities and taking breaks from a daily grind. The authors emphasise definitions of adventure may vary between partners, yet in this area there is room for parting company and having fun separately (after all, it is about trust).

Chapter 7: growth and spirituality. The title is enigmatic and might be misleading, but it is all about values cherished, religion and vision of what you pursue in life. A common topic in Poland these days is a gap between females who have moved ahead and men who are lagging behind, being the core reason for lower number of relationships and subsequent demographic collapse. I presume this could suit the definition of “growth” as set forth by Gottmans. In this area there is room for divergence, yet if one partner carries on and the other does not catch up, in practice is a common cause of break-ups, especially those initiated by women.

Chapter 8: dreams. The last chapter is forward-looking and is a logical consequence of the previous one. Chasing dreams can make the daily grind more bearable. One should know what dreams and aspirations of one’s partner’s are and see them through in pursuing them. Here what the authors posit might require a lot of tolerance, patience and understanding, if a partner’s dreams are grossly opposing from ours. But what if pursuit of a dream might undermine a relationship or put it to the test? The book leaves this open question unanswered.

One notion props up several times in the book. There is, agreeably, just one mark partners in a boding-well relationships have in common, namely they are positive about their life companions. The more pros than cons they see in their partner, the more likely their relationship is to flourish and remain crisis-resistant. When making long-term choices who to spend life with, we must not forget about it.

Karkonosze

The two-week period off work is drawing to a close, time is up to share some snaps from a yet another foray to Dolny Śląsk and to Czech Republic. It has been a long-awaited trip, taken after 11 months without holidays (chasing the promotion, getting things done in my previous position, then shaking down in the new role), a time which has borne brunt on me and left me in deep fatigue.

Although places where I stayed were familiar with me, I aimed to conquer some new venues located higher above sea level. The first surprise on my was the paved over trail from Szklarska Poręba towards Szrenica. Cobblestone was laid here in 2025 in pursuit of making it accessible to the disabled and childminders with prams. I am in two minds about the development. On one hand more visitors might take it, on the other, it has lost part of its character.

Flat or nearly flat are most trails on top of Karkonosze. Here a shot from a brisk trekking between Szrenica and Śnieżne Kotły, some 1,400 metres above sea level. Note dwarf flora typical for such altitudes. High above temperature was 10 Celsius degrees below +25C recorded at that time in valleys.

Śnieżne Kotły is a rocky basin famous for snow lingering in northern crevices even until July. This year, despite snowy winter, the range of snow strips is far smaller than average which means what was there on 25 May might have melted by now.

When snows melt, Nordic skiing routes close to Jakuszyce become perfect cycling trails. Here, one of the landmarks one can pass – a rundown stone processing plant between Szklarska Poręba and Jakuszyce. Those are just ruins, but without them the area would lose part of its charm.

Cesky Raj (literally the Bohemian Paradise) is nature reservoir full of rock formations, located some 60 kilometres from the Polish border. Breathtaking, worth visiting over a longer weekend, since the formations are scattered around several spots in the area and some have historic castles on top of them.

Harrachov, a village known for ski-jumping competitions and being a skiing resort, in the summer is not a major attraction. Trails in forests east of it are enjoyable, yet boring. Note the central spot of Harrachov was anything, but chock full of people (on a working day in late May).

I (proudly) shy away from having an account on Instagram, but can tell you the building close to the Pravcicka Brana is an exemplary “instaspot”. You march uphill a few kilometres to snap this picturesque edifice, look around and tick it off as “popped by”. Some visitors (including me) also take hats down to builders who erected this building in a place with virtually no access from a regular road.

The very Brana (in English, a gate) is an amazing natural rock formation, here clumsily snapped by me, as I had set sharpness on a mountain in the distance which resembles a dormant volcano. Pay attention to trees growing on top of rocks, proving might of the nature.

Zamek (castle) Chojnik is a venue to which the ascent was the shortest, with elevation gain of mere 300 metres. Strong wind has precluded me from scrambling up the castle’s tower, but from a terrace beneath it, one can contemplate the panorama of Jelenia Góra: Sobieszów in the foreground, Cieplice Śląskie Zdrój further behind, the city centre in the distance.

For a dessert, another proper climb, to Śnieżka (literally: the snow hill), the highest peak of Karkonosze, 1,602 (some sources quote 1,603 or 1,605) metres above sea level. Started out from Karpacz, on altitude of 700 metres above sea level and amble with green and then blue trail, to pass by all scenic mountain huts on the way towards Śnieżka. Samotnia (literally: hermitage) is the most legendary one, located in a basin, photographed (by me again, clumsily) from above, with a pond next to it.

Strzecha Akademicka (literally: scholars’ thatch) further up the trail looks the least splendid of the huts en route to Śnieżka, maybe for that reason I did not witness crowds hanging around outside it.

Dom Śląski in turn looks much better on photographs. As one approaches it, the yellow facade strikes with sleaziness. The past-German spirit of the place of spoilt by solar panels (OZE-srOZE) on the roof. To the left – a proper 4WD pickup in a place, where its presence and use is justified. Toilet payable, PLN 4 (or CZK 30) with cash only.

The last snap is one of several views from the top of Śnieżka. The summit is free of clouds or precipitation only for some 60 days in a year and in mid-May there was some fresh snow there. I consider myself lucky, as the weather was fine enough not to put on a jacket kept in a rucksack just in case.

Off to Wrocław in business tomorrow. The upcoming three weeks will be bring travels to places located between 350 and 600 kilometres from Warsaw, hence I am likely to be sick of moving about for a while.

Running - the third episode

If the current episode is the third one, it is worthwhile to remind the first started in July 2020 and lasted until the end of serious covid restrictions in May 2021, while the second kicked off in spring 2023 and lasted until my lumbar spine immobilised me.

While pulling through from spine-related maladies, it was clear running would be one of the last activities I could return to (of those not prohibited forever). I had three of four attempts in 2025 and with the ominous pain in the wake of each of them I knew it was not yet the moment. 

After a few months more of muscle strengthening and stretching, particularly intensive in winter months, I had a try in March 2026 and this time happily the spine did not make itself felt. I actually was brought on by a friend who just set about running, hence on that occasion I've come by a running companion (together somehow one gets tired slowly).

Just as in previous episodes, I have not grown fond of it, but I realise this is the most efficient (least time- and money-consuming) intensive physical exercise.

After the problems with lumbar spine, I began to worry about how fit I would be, when growing old, with apprehensions additionally spurred by looking at my parents, currently in their 70s, who except for long walks, have not done any sport regularly and... are paying a price for this. Since being on the mend in autumn 2024, I have become fixated in staying fit, mentally and physically, as long as possible (especially with a serious risk there will be nobody might look after me at that stage of my life).

With hereditary propensity to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (my mother had it diagnosed at the age of 72, not reached by most patients with that heart disorder), I need to get a medical check-up every three years to find out if my heart is still in proper order. As of now it seems the only risk factor is stressful life and moderate physical exercise should only do me good, but knowing stories of several people whose lifestyle was extraordinarily healthy (note the example of Jacek Magiera, 49-year-old football coach who died suddenly from a cardiac arrest after routine morning running in a park).

Running or getting tired with physical exercise is one if the healthiest methods of venting frustration, getting rid of anger and ventilating the brain after a stressful day. In the world of individualism honed to the limits, millions of people choose to do sports to fill the void. It is definitely better than alcohol, drugs, gambling, video games, porn or other addictions, its effect on the brain is more sustainable and not destructive (does not apply to fight games), yet it only defers the moment humans get confronted with the void. Just like with travels, the bout of endorphins is temporary, yet not confined to a time frame of doing sport. Tiredness past a physical effort also detracts the brain from facing up to penury of one's existence and extends the episode of self-delusion.

Off to the mountains for 10 days next weekend (can't wait to set myself free from the corporate treadmill for a fortnight), hence the next post (with proper coverage of the trip) due on 7 June.

On cycling and conspiracy theories

The sudden departure of lower-house deputy and charity activist Łukasz Litewka brought shock and grief on many, including me. Of all actors of the Polish political arena, no other had brought in more benevolence to the disadvantaged, terminally ill and animals. The tragic twist of fate have chosen him to pass away as a fatality in a traffic accident. 

A noble, young man suddenly departs, leaving a question why. Just like a Smolensk air crash, the accident looms as so improbable that it goes beyond comprehension of many.

The likelihood of being run over in a head-on collision with a car on a road in a middle of a forest is tiny, yet not equal to zero and with a large dose of bad luck, it materialised. Had he left home half a minute earlier or later, he would have escaped death. Most of us, including me, have averted a major accident more than once by dint of being a few seconds earlier or later in a deadly spot.

The theories of an alleged assassination began to sprout very shortly after his tragic death. Their authors claim Mr Litewka was inconvenient to many by speaking openly of paedophiles and zoophiles in Kłodzko or by messing with owners of crummy animal shelters. Frankly speaking, I do not buy it.

Facebook with its nefarious algorithms has suggested me a group (I deliberately leave out its name and will not link to it) whose members strive to call into question the official version of what we know about the accident or (less often) try to come up with alternative explanations. Out of pure curiosity, I tried to go through some of the postings, most of which do not hold water altogether, defy the common sense and basic laws of physics. Not to mention in this country of seasonal, yet not seasoned expert, thousands of skilled specialists in traffic accidents involving cyclists have mushroom within last two weeks. On top there are people who post provocative notes soaking with crass stupidity, while other group members fall for their twaddle. I do not commend this, a this a slap on the face of the deceased's nearest and dearest. Overall, I look at the group with disdain, but would not favour censorship here, as any attempts to close their mouths would trigger siege mentality.

The tragic accident ought to bring about a discussion on cyclists' safety. At the scene there was no cycling path, no pavement, no roadside, no separation of vulnerable traffic participants from motor vehicles. Mr Litewka did not wear a helmet, which that time would not have helped him, but in many cases helmets saved lives or prevented serious injuries.

Last Sunday I cycled 102.51 kilometres thus have beaten my record of 100.00 kilometres set on 7 June 2021. On the last day of the long weekend several people went for recreational bike rides. On the 90th kilometre of my journey, having coasted through Bulwary Wiślane chock full of people I was approaching Most Łazienkowski and nearly had a head-on collision with a fellow cyclist. I quickly skimmed on the rear brake and then on the front on and then gently swerved. The fellow speeding cyclist had far less reason and skill and ended up somersaulting over the handlebar. She had a helmet and luckily the only injuries were bruises and a swollen knee with a bleeding wound. Hearteningly, most people around stopped by to check if she needed medical aid. I waited half an hour until the culprit was picked up from the scene by her relatives.

Given the level of thoughtlessness among cyclists, an incident was just a matter of time. Unless you collide with a car, cycling gives much less room for serious injuries compared to travelling by car. Yet, sins of cyclists overlap those of motorists. Speeding, aggressive overtaking, not looking back ahead of overtaking, not signalling an intention to turn, abrupt braking, stopping for no reason and blocking infrastructure are those I see most often. There are several cases of cyclists not minding pedestrians, or less experienced cycling path users (elderly people, families with children), the plague are food delivery bandits on electric bikes doing at 40 kmph on cycling paths. 

I advocate cycling, moving around and commuting by bike and building infrastructure for muscle-propelled vehicles, but we also need education and enforcement of traffic rules on cycling paths. An aggressive bike rider would definitely do less harm than a speeding idiot behind a wheel of a motor vehicle, but cycling paths, except for where they cross roads, should be a safe place. At least I wish they were safer than they are now. I cycle a lot and if the traffic is dense and fellow cyclist not considerate, it can be stressful.