Antidepressants gone

The episode of depression which smashed me in mid-2022 was the most serious one, yet thanks to swift reaction consisting of proper combination of medications and a wonderful therapist, my head was back above water a few weeks later. My first attempt to controllably give up on pills taken up preventively, taken under psychiatrist’s control in spring 2024 was failed. My dose need to be increased, though not much, but it seemed at that time essential to keep me afloat.

Next months were not a bed of roses. The health crisis and the relationship break-up were likely to bring me down. They did not, but in line with my doctor’s advice I waited out some time after seeing the back of personal setbacks to get ready to do without medications. After over three years of feeding my brain with happiness pills, I took the last one on 29 August 2025.

In terms of mental health or mood, all has been fine until now and hope it stays so. In terms my body’s reaction, the picture is not rose-coloured. I had realised side effects of antidepressants withdrawal would hit me, last a few days and go away. In the first pill-free days I felt dizzy, my tolerance to heat decreased, was weaker, but endured physical exercise well. Then, instead of waning, what I believe are the withdrawal symptoms, have intensified at the beginning of this week.

The long list of nasty afflictions (tested myself several times for COVID-19 and flu, negative) as of now includes:
- aching muscles, joints, bones, or just the entire body, regardless of physical exercise or its lack,
- itchy skin,
- feeling of dryness in mouth, thirstiness,
- sore lymph nodes, with the pain radiating towards ears,
- nasal discharge flowing to throat and clogging it,
- feeling a load on my chest and dry cough,
- once I had a fever – temperature soared within 1 hour to +39C, then plummeted to +36.6C within an hour too,
- feeling that my body cannot give off heat and intense sweating (+15C outside, in a T-shirt I still was sweating),
- at times the opposite – shivers despite high temperature,
- a bloated, aching stomach, despite cutting down on eating, giving up on snacks altogether and defecating twice a day.

As it cannot be taken for granted those are heavy and prolonged withdrawal side effects, I need to go through a couple of examinations, to rule out other diseases, including cancer…

Even though abandoning the pills is bearing a brunt on me, I do not regret it. My brain had by all means got addicted to them and needs some time to learn to function properly without pharmacological aids. I also still believe taking antidepressants was the right decision. Given my depression has relapsed several times, its bleak comeback is most likely a matter of time. But by the time it happens, I will not contaminate my brain with medicines.

I am strongly convinced personality matters much in overcoming depression. By character, I am not a kind of person who likes to lie in bed or sit idle, I am not the one who procrastinates, I am the one who needs to be in motion, who moves ahead, does things. I strive to reach a proper balance between venting anger and frustration and keeping up optimism. Believe it or not, it helps a lot.

Written for posterity.