Definitely
I am not a fan of counselling, nor am I keen to give or receive advice how to
live. Nevertheless, my choice of books I read is mostly based on
recommendations (most often given by friends, less frequently run across when
reading), so when a friend, who is a post-graduate psychology student, suggested
I borrow the aforementioned script from a local library, I followed her endorsement.
The book, written
by a relationship guru John M. Gottman (most famous for this theory of four horsemen
of relationship doom: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) and
his wife, emphasises the role of open, honest and straightforward communication
in a romantic relationship. As the authors point out, areas crucial for
relationship out to be talked over, in order to enhance mutual understanding in
a relationship. Judging by stories of divorces and break-ups, many could have been
evaded, had people spoken up properly early. The journey through getting more familiar
with each other runs through eight conversation topics for eight separate
dates. I split them into chapters, in line with how the manuscript is structured.
Chapter 1:
trust and commitment. Those are the notions individuals may construe and
exhibit differently. The authors forget to add no relationship can survive in
long run without trust and without putting a partner’s trust to the test
(imagine your partners leaving for a weekend in a woods only with their friend of
the opposite sex, assuming you are in a heterosexual couple). Commitment in
turn may be shown in several ways and may vary in intensity. A blossoming relationship
should match expectations of partners and most natural ways of expressing
commitment, with reliability being sometimes a forgotten (also in the book)
part of it.
Chapter 2:
addressing conflict. Where two people meet, differences leading to clashes will
inevitably turn up. Reasons for divergence might be twofold: either situational,
i.e. stemming from a person’s behaviour, or fundamental, i.e. arising from
different hierarchy of values or lifestyle. The former are easily curable and
not difficult to deal with, unless at least one partner is stubborn. The latter
are to be (or not) learnt to be lived with. Statistics from long-term research
sample of relationships Gottmans examined over years revealed 69% of long-lasting
couples had to cope with fundamental differences and got ahead despite hardships.
Chapter 3:
sex and intimacy. In a monogamic relationship this is a sphere reserved for a
partner only, so any deficiencies as a matter of principle should not be made
up for with other people. On top, since generations this has been a taboo topic
hence an open conversation on one’s desires, limitations, fear and inhibitions
might be difficult.
Chapter 4:
work and money. Here I must say authors have done a reasonably good job of
describing two drivers of attitude towards money. Highly generalising, some people
treat money primarily as a source of security (in case of unemployment,
illness, to ensure income for retirement), others as a source of pleasure (the
joy of consumption). A conversation about money should be hence grounded in
what money means for a person and what habits one has learnt at home. Money-related
issues are one of the most common conflict areas in relationships, hence talking
about it is a must. Aside from what the authors come up with, I would add managing
finances is about balancing long-term goals (retirement, education for children,
property purchases) and short-term consumption. Overweighting any of two ways
of allocating pecuniary surpluses might end up badly, but a couple should together
how much of current consumption they wish to sacrifice to pursue long-term
goals. Earning money refers also to striking a balance between working more to
increase wealth and spending time with nearest and dearest. The proportions
might and will differ at specific stages of life, but the decision where to set
the scales ought to be taken together.
Chapter 5:
family. The writers claim many differences may be overcome, but vision of
family is a fundamental one and a disagreement in this respect is so critical
that it may lead to a relationship break-up and no cure for it ought to be
sought. The word “family” refers to the one raised by a couple, which involves
several questions, not just if to have offspring or not. Couples should ask
themselves how many children they want to raise, when, how to share childcare
duties and how to bring them up. Children, in order to grow up happily need
both loving parents, the relationship between them should not be neglected at
the expense of time spent looking after offspring. One day they will fly the
nest and the bond between partners should be strong enough to allow for rebirth
of their relationship at that stage. The same word also pertains to families in
which partners were raised, frequence and intensity or relationships with
relatives as they are also one of more frequent motives for quarrels.
Chapter 6:
fun and adventure. This part is about not letting a mature relationship rest on
laurels and reigniting it by trying out new activities and taking breaks from a
daily grind. The authors emphasise definitions of adventure may vary between partners,
yet in this area there is room for parting company and having fun separately
(after all, it is about trust).
Chapter 7:
growth and spirituality. The title is enigmatic and might be misleading, but it
is all about values cherished, religion and vision of what you pursue in life. A
common topic in Poland these days is a gap between females who have moved ahead
and men who are lagging behind, being the core reason for lower number of
relationships and subsequent demographic collapse. I presume this could suit
the definition of “growth” as set forth by Gottmans. In this area there is room
for divergence, yet if one partner carries on and the other does not catch up, in
practice is a common cause of break-ups, especially those initiated by women.
Chapter 8:
dreams. The last chapter is forward-looking and is a logical consequence of the
previous one. Chasing dreams can make the daily grind more bearable. One should
know what dreams and aspirations of one’s partner’s are and see them through in
pursuing them. Here what the authors posit might require a lot of tolerance, patience
and understanding, if a partner’s dreams are grossly opposing from ours. But
what if pursuit of a dream might undermine a relationship or put it to the test?
The book leaves this open question unanswered.
One notion
props up several times in the book. There is, agreeably, just one mark partners
in a boding-well relationships have in common, namely they are positive about
their life companions. The more pros than cons they see in their partner, the
more likely their relationship is to flourish and remain crisis-resistant. When
making long-term choices who to spend life with, we must not forget about it.