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It’s a transcript of a fictional conversation between my guardian angel and me. Most questions he is asking are the ones I have recently asked myself, most prompted by talks with several affable people who helped me realise I’m in a dead-end street and need to turn back…

I would like to say particular thanks to:

1) my colleague and soulmate Martyna, who for obvious reasons doesn’t know about the existence of this blog and who, in a surge of over-optimism about my odds to win, encouraged me to fight the losing battle,

2) my friend Ola, who by asking one fundamental question made me sure this is not love and has never been (fortunately),

3) fellow blogger Michael, for a gee-up to keep up the blog and instilling strength in me the moment I was faltering – thanks to him this is the first post since many weeks written out of pure inspiration, just like in times when I was at my best as a blogger.

Starring: Guardian Angel (GA), Bartek (B)

GA: So you confessed this accursed affection is a why and wherefore of how you have felt over the past months. You thought it would have to get better, you wanted to break away, you promised yourself to keep away from her and…

B: Promises are made to be broken… But she desperately needed me then and I’d have gone to hell and back to give her relief. I don’t know if I regret it. You know how torn I am…

GA: It’s long gone too far. You need to answer a few fundamental questions to at least partly comprehend what has happened. I won’t help you find your way around the whole state of affairs, but I’ll try to help you understand what you feel. We both know you’re unhappy without her, but… would you be happy with her?

B: Errr…

GA: Remember the corporate booze-up in late August? You got tanked up and began to flirt with your fifteen years older married colleague.

B: Are you reproaching me over flirting with her? This was just fun…

GA: I’d rather examine this later, you simplify the issue, it wasn’t fun, it was an escape. Anyway, you said you wouldn’t expect your wife to wash your socks, iron your shirts, clean the house, you’d make to do with a woman who’d be your best friend and who'd support you if you were in need.

B: I wasn’t tanked up yet at that moment, but indeed I meant what I said.

GA: So do you think she’s ever been your friend, has she ever been interested in your troubles when you’ve been in need? You were her shoulder to cry on when things were going bad, you knew the taste of her tears, but the hell did you see her smile when she was joyful?

B: The truth is bitter…

GA: There is the point. I won’t be gentle now and remind you one Friday from this June. You had fever of 39 degrees and took antibiotics after which you should not drive. Despite your parents’ begging you got into the car and drove to Warsaw to see her. She didn’t even notice your presence and when you approached her she, unlike other people, told you to back away. Do you remember how you felt then, how your parents feared? Should I remind you the yelling phases or other moments you’d probably wish to forget?

B: Do you want to these wounds to heal? Or are you trying make it ache even worse?

GA: I only want to show you how suffused with bitterness you are. There’s been too much pain along the way that time won’t erase it. Plus note one more thing. She’s not the same girl you met over a year ago…

B: Well, that’s a paradox, if I’m unhappy without her and I wouldn’t be happy with her, then I’m trapped, devoid of chance for happiness. Maybe that’s not over…

GA: Let’s check. But be honest. What was the happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Those days when we were so close together…

GA: And what was the second happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Thejourney to Olsztyn for the wedding…

GA: Why?

B: Actually maybe because I had a chance not to think about her. I did think about her several times but my thoughts were drowned out…

GA: What do you feel when you’re beside her?

B: Anything but pleasure and ease…

GA: What do you feel when you’re away from her?

B: Relief…

GA: Am I not hitting the nail in the head. You feel better you’re apart than together. Let’s face the truth, look how you behave, you take every opportunity to lengthen the distance between you, you make use of every excuse to escape her. You turn your eyes away not to see her… Automatic stabilisers of your psyche run at full steam to keep you sane…

B: You sly psychoanalyst…

GA: So you can’t deny it. What happens with you is a classic example of defence mechanism turning on. There’s nothing to worry about. Imagine you drive a car and see an obstacle coming onto your way. Your naturally want to avoid a collision. In the case of human psyche it works the same way – you naturally avoid situations which could cause you pain. This prevents you from going insane. Recall your recent indifference about her…

B: Hang on, I don’t feel comfortable with that indifference.

GA: But you prefer to be indifferent and even kick yourself for that. It’s less painful than any emotional commitment that would sooner or later wound you.

B: You can say that again, I’d rather stay stone-cold than burn, as I used to.

GA: Good you mentioned it, look at yourself, there’s almost nothing left to burn. You’re already so burnt-out that you couldn’t take pleasure in being with her. Don’t burn any more, unless you want to burn down. Save what is best in you someone who’d deserve it, for somebody who’d be your best friend and supporter.

B: I’m not aflame, but still something’s smouldering inside me. Do you know my mind is cleansing itself, but my heart, it literally aches…

GA: After all I’m your guardian angel, I know when and how it aches. There is a breaking point at which the pain gets physical.

B: Breaking point? I’d rather wait for a turning point, if I fell so low, I’d like to bottom out. What’s going to happen next?

GA: Firstly, sorrow which overwhelms you is not a feeling which should be fostered and definitely not something you should flaunt.

B: But what about her?

GA: Bite the bullet on it. Don’t let all the bitterness overcome you. Don’t think about separating yourself from her. Show she’s going to knock you down, make yourself a winner. Demonstrate manly fortitude in the face of adversity! Don’t break down, break away! Give yourself time and you’ll get over it.

B: Once I thought I would follow that path, but I went astray, the whole plan went down the drain…

GA: Now it’s less likely to happen, yet not improbable. Your defence mechanisms protect you from giving in again, but I don’t know what circumstances in the future will be. There might be a situation when your defence mechanisms turn off. I have no idea whether you’d come out of it burnt and bruised or elated. But if it happens, don’t expect me to hold you back. You fate lies in your hands… My time’s up, I’ll be pushing along…

B: Well, thanks my angel. Anything you’d like to add?

GA: Remember you have a lot to lose. I know these goings-on involve negative emotions you need to give vent to, but remember…

Don’t drive aggressively as you did recently – you haven’t had any accident and may it stay so, the aftermaths of a collision are not only about smashed-up vehicles, you can damage someone’s health or take away someone’s life.

Be careful at work. You’re recognised, received accolades, people respect and appreciate you, so don’t let any lapse of concentration cause you to make egregious errors and don’t let anyone suspect what you feel.

Look at the bright side of this affection. It has made you stronger, it has toughened you up, you’ve grown in self-confidence, risen to many challenges, did well in extremely difficult situations, but beware – what you’d do was often dicey and you were always in the luck not to fall into troubles (often to protect her), so don’t repeat it.

Don’t overkill. A man should be tough when necessary and soft, if circumstances require it. Don’t wipe away the softness you’ll need to demonstrate one day

Don’t try to do stupid things to allay the pain at any price. Relief would be temporary and that time around you may seriously hurt someone else or harm yourself.

And foster your friendships. Those very people who proved recently how much they care for your happiness deserve your attention, time and emotions. Meet them, do them small pleasures, share their joys and keep the company when they feel down. And hold your head up, may your good mood rub off on other people. Smile to the world and the world will smile back to you…

The end...

With hindsight the post looks like a self-humiliation, but I'm not ashamed of it.