When the love runs out

Musings inspired by an article published this month in one of issues of “Polityka” weekly. Needless to say economic and technological progress has changed interhuman relationships. Economic independence of women which emerged in the 20^th century (unthinkable for millennia before), development of modern forms of communication and several other phenomena have much reshaped the social order which had been in place for ages.

Marriage is no longer a social institution entered more out of reason rather than love, thanks to which living through a life together was easier than on one’s own. Somebody unwilling to raise a family is no longer stigmatised. Individuality and selfishness (i.e. holding one’s own independence, passions and choices superior to give and take being an essential part of any romantic relationship) have taken over.

The article mentions several trends which are plain to see, yet seem rarely explored. Mating rituals in the era of constant lack of time and unlimited possibilities offered by technology have changed and I openly assess they have evolved in the wrong direction. Before dating applications have reached the status of tools to meet new people, one (usually a man) had to take some effort to attract attention of a woman, to ask her out, keep a conversation going during a date.

Online methods of communication take all the burdens off involved parties and let cease a conversation or cut somebody dead at any time. Mismatches are much more frequent than matches and are a natural part of selection – one has to miss several times before they hit, yet dealing with them requires courage and manners. Some time ago one had to stand face to face with somebody and announce them they want to break up.

Today we have several pathological ways of handling interhuman relationships, such as ghosting, which is devastating for one’s psyche (I have been a victim thereof in friendships and romantic relationships, even before smartphones set in, so I can acknowledge it is one of the most painful types of rejection a human can experience). Other practices I have witnessed, yet just upon exploring the topic have learnt they had become widespread enough to be named, are cushioning and benching. Probably there are other forms of playing games in which emotions of persons involved have no value, yet I do fancy exploring them now. Regardless of personal circumstances (which make me vulnerable to them), such practises fill me with disgust (I am too straightforward to feel comfortable playing wicked games).

Getting involved in a romantic relationship involves taking risks, putting trust, sacrificing some part of individuality, relinquishing selfishness, but also coping with uncertainty which is indispensable at early stages of most relationships (at least it had always been like this in my life). People today lack courage and communication skills (these deficiencies afflict both females and males) and this leads to many wasted chances and solitude. Sad, and it cannot be helped.

Tinder

After turning 32, when one spends most of the time getting about between home and the office, going to the same place and meeting the same friends, chances to find a life companion are far smaller than in university times. You can participate in several events (trips, workshops, lectures), yet people go there, rightly, to do specific things, not too look for a partner. Women who I tried to talk to on a street were always scared, seeming not to be pleased with unsolicited contact. While if you set up your profile on the most popular dating application you agree to be approached by potential partners.

I had been sceptical for many months prior to installing the application, having heard from people who use it, Tinder is a swamp, but also heard of people whose friends had met loves of their lives thanks to it. But it is unfair to shape your view on the application, relying only on other people’s experiences.

I created my profile last Sunday, on 9 February. Facebook kindly reminded me of me ex-girlfriend’s birthday (I no longer follow her, but have not unfriended her, we have not talked since completing formalities after the break-up). It was done on the spur of the moment, with the thought that it is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

My first observations after the first week of swiping approximately 99% of profiles left (I aim to be quite selective and not waste time on dead-end dating) are bitter-sweet. I have narrowed down my search criteria to women aged between 28 and 35, located (the application reads its users’ smartphones’ locations) in the circle of 30 kilometres.

It took me less than 10 minutes to find a (female) workmate from a neighbouring department. Later on, I found more than 10 women I know, however I need to underline all of them are single.

Setting up a profile on Tinder is a great exercise in self-advertising, which anyway is a common denominator of all social media activities. On Tinder, unlike on Linkedin, your goal is to attract attention of your potential partner (not defining what such partnership would consist in), not a headhunter. As a down-to-earth, regular lad, I do not fall for most advertisements, yet have taken the trouble to think out mine (to maximise incidences of being swiped right).

The profiles on Tinder do not smack a vanity fair as the ones on Instagram (not having an account there), yet the dating application ranks second in this respect and does not take my fancy. Frankly speaking many profile have simply shied me away.

Browsing profiles of women is akin to walking around a huge shop with lots of stuff on shelves, yet little decent items to pick from. Yet on the other hand, if you are selective, on average out of plenty of candidates you can pick somebody whose profile appealed to you at first sight.

Many women found there are simply nice and should enjoy interest of males. The question which instantly pops up is why they are still single. Ample reasons might be guessed:
- too little exposure to men in everyday situations to find a suitable candidate,
- men being afraid of being turned down by attractive women,

- women having exorbitant expectations vast majority of men cannot live up to,

- problems ‘with self’ of both women and men resulting in inability to build a healthy relationship (the sad sign of our times).

What has finally prompted me to install Tinder was a rational calculation. If I had not done it, in some time I would nearly certainly be stuck where I was on 9 February. As I have done it, at best I might experience something good, at worst I can be back at square one (same place as if I had not installed). All this with proper reserve and with no big emotional commitment nor hopes. As psychologists point out, Tinder might intensify the feeling or being solitary and rejected.

One year and seven months after the break-up I can confess just recently I have got over it (i.e. stop reminiscing the past, since I have never had doubt the decision had been right). I realise what my value as a human and as a male is, between people I frequently a misfit or misunderstood and will not risk a mismatch just to fill the void. I will not give up in trying to find a woman who fits me, yet not at any price.

Defiance

If the was a ranking of Poles’ most infuriating traits, I would place defiance on top of it. Looking at misbehaviours of many of my compatriots, I surmise they do silly things not only out of their selfishness, but to spite others and to manifest their ill-construed freedom.

I am a member of Obywatele Ursynowa group on facebook. The community has now more than 20,000 members and is an online arena of clashes. Pedestrians, cyclist and drivers clash. Dog-owners and turd-hunters clash. Around the New Year’s Eve firework-aficionados clashed with defenders of fearful pets. And so on and so forth.

The set-up of each quarrel is similar. Representatives of one band make their points, then representatives of the opposite band come up with their counterpoints which leads to online fights in which, apart from insults and lack of openness to someone else’s standpoint, I observe examples of sticking to one’s liberties stubbornly.

Fireworks zealots underline their right to celebrate New Year’s Eve (and Day). Pet-defenders underline right of animals to survive the night without tranquilizers. The latter group are occasionally supported by those who (rightly) remind the sound of cracking fireworks is bothersome for infants, elderly and mentally disabled people, as well as contributes to fires and injuries. The fireworks zealots remain deaf and blind to reasoning of their opponents and end up banning fireworks detracts from their personal liberty. Note then next each year, despite more frequent appeals to shun shooting fireworks, the cannonades are getting only louder. I fear the appeals are counter-productive, I mean, if a Pole is asked to refrain from doing something, they will do it with more intensity, out of pure defiance.

Similar examples of what f**ks me up are:

- drivers’ claims no one should take away their liberty of sitting in oversized cars in traffic jams, taking short-distance journeys, or to park wherever they need, especially when they occupy pavements or damage green areas,

- owners of old houses who burn rubbish or whatever cheap stuff in their furnaces, who claim mandatory switching to more environment-friendly method of heating their dwellings deprives them of doing what they want in their houses,

- people dumping rubbish or not cleaning their dogs’ turds, claiming no one would instruct them what to do in a public space,

- cyclists who ride like lunatics on pedestrian areas or use a road when there is a cycling path running parallel to it, claiming it is their choice where to cycle,

- party participants who claim playing music loud or screaming their lungs out at night is what they are entitled to as part of having fun.

and many, many others.

The common denominator of all stances described above is doing socially undesirable things at the expense of others. One’s own liberty ends with encroaching on fellow men’s freedoms and rights, including the right to breathe in clean air, to live in clean environment, to feel safe, to have rest at night, etc.

A decent and sensitive human should mind whether to make full use of what is (sometimes mistakenly) considered to be a liberty. A self-containment in all spheres, namely not necessarily doing what you want to not indulging in what brings you joy, but might make others worse-off is what I praise and advocate.

Between late autumn and pre-spring

Hard to write a winter timeline, when traces of winter are sparse. The weather since many weeks has been dull and seemingly the time has stopped in late November. For me November has lasted at least three months this… autumn?

First snow was recorded in Warsaw on Wednesday, 29 January 2020, thus breaking by 5 days the previous record of the latest first snow set in 2007. But thirteen years ago the first snow melted over more than a week later and in the meantime temperature dropped to –12C. This year the snow lingered on the ground for a few hours (despite positive temperature) and melted overnight. First snow is usually a shy snow… but in January?

I took delight in watching snowflakes whirling in the air, but having walked out of the office, I found myself in soaked shoes in a slippery slush, which diminished my spurt of winter-joy. For some reason nobody bothered to clear pavements out of slush. Pedestrians again appeared to be second-class citizens in the capital of Poland.

I cherished the snow for… its colour. White surfaces reflect light thanks to which days when snow lingers are brighter. The brightness was definitely missing in the time of year when days are the shortest. The brightness was what I have been yearning for.

Temperature-wise, the current winter (defined as December, January and February) stands the chance to be the warmest ever. Combined average temperature of December 2019 and January 2020 was +2.9C. If February’s mean temperature exceeds +1.1C in 2020 (which judging by long-term forecasts is likely), the 1989/90 winter with average temperature of +2.3C will become the second warmest.

The foregone conclusion is that current weather is the best proof of the global warming. Indeed, it is, but I would argue whether is can be named the aftermath thereof. If you dissect weather pattern day after day, you will see that unlike in previous anomalously warm winters there were periods of extraordinary warmth interspersed with episodes of regular, though not harsh winter. This winter, except for 3 spells of high, yet not record-breaking temperatures (15 December 2019 – 22 December 2019, 7 January 2020 – 15 January 2020, 31 January 2020 – ???) has seen fairly stable weather with temperatures somewhat above long-term average and never dropping below it.

The lack of even temporary negative deviations from long-term mean cannot be put down to global warming, but there are two other causes of it.

Firstly, the strong positive North Atlantic Oscillation (which sadly has not brought as much precipitation as it usually does). Most of the times, air from the west was blown in over Poland and further east and north. Positive deviations from mean temperature, far bigger than in Poland have been observed in southern Scandinavia, in Baltic countries and in western Russia. Masses of arctic or Siberian air have not had a chance to trespass onto Poland.

Secondly, the polar vortex, which since November 2019 has been holding up well, with strength the biggest since 40 years. This means cold air is kept in the North Pole, where temperatures for several weeks have been below average and beyond the polar circle (except for sea shores of course) – keeping track of weather measurements in northern Scandinavia I saw repeatedly temperature dropping below –30C in North Sweden and Finland. Historically, when the polar vortex was weak and winters in Europe were harsh, temperature in Greenland, Iceland or far beyond the polar circle was well above average. The polar vortex is slowly disintegrating, but effects of the process might be visible in late February or early March.

The two phenomena combined are responsible for the weather pattern this winter. I lack knowledge to determine to what extent they are impacted by the ongoing climate change, but holding the accursed global warming responsible for lack of winter in 2019/20 in Warsaw is an example of jumping to conclusions. NAO+ and polar vortex are the actual culprits.

No major change in the weather is expected in mid-term though. Yesterday saw the climax of the mid-winter short heat wave. Day-time high was +11.6C. The situation is not unprecedented, since it was already warmer in early February. Record-highest temperatures measured in Warsaw in the first decade on February were: +13.4C on 3 February 2002, +13.1C on 5 February 2004, +11.8C on 6 February 2000.

Next week another episode of winter with some snow is expected, then temperatures are to revert to above-average values. Most models estimate average temperature in February should run between +2.5C and +3.5C, but some indicate second half of February and first half of March will be the only period this winter with temperatures close to long-term means.

Still, three records of mild winter stand a chance to be broken:

1. the lowest number of days with snow cover: 15 days set during 1988/89 winter (22 November 1988 – 24 November 1988, 4 December 1988, 8 December 1988 – 11 December 1988, 15 December 1988 – 18 December 1988, 21 December 1988, 8 January 1989, 2 April 1989),

2. the lowest maximum snow cover measured over any entire winter: 4 centimetres accumulated on any day during 2007/08 winter (measured on 7 January 2008, on 18 February 2008 and on 27 March 2008),

3. the highest minimum temperature measured over any entire winter: –8.0C measured on 17 February 1975.