Tinder

After turning 32, when one spends most of the time getting about between home and the office, going to the same place and meeting the same friends, chances to find a life companion are far smaller than in university times. You can participate in several events (trips, workshops, lectures), yet people go there, rightly, to do specific things, not too look for a partner. Women who I tried to talk to on a street were always scared, seeming not to be pleased with unsolicited contact. While if you set up your profile on the most popular dating application you agree to be approached by potential partners.

I had been sceptical for many months prior to installing the application, having heard from people who use it, Tinder is a swamp, but also heard of people whose friends had met loves of their lives thanks to it. But it is unfair to shape your view on the application, relying only on other people’s experiences.

I created my profile last Sunday, on 9 February. Facebook kindly reminded me of me ex-girlfriend’s birthday (I no longer follow her, but have not unfriended her, we have not talked since completing formalities after the break-up). It was done on the spur of the moment, with the thought that it is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

My first observations after the first week of swiping approximately 99% of profiles left (I aim to be quite selective and not waste time on dead-end dating) are bitter-sweet. I have narrowed down my search criteria to women aged between 28 and 35, located (the application reads its users’ smartphones’ locations) in the circle of 30 kilometres.

It took me less than 10 minutes to find a (female) workmate from a neighbouring department. Later on, I found more than 10 women I know, however I need to underline all of them are single.

Setting up a profile on Tinder is a great exercise in self-advertising, which anyway is a common denominator of all social media activities. On Tinder, unlike on Linkedin, your goal is to attract attention of your potential partner (not defining what such partnership would consist in), not a headhunter. As a down-to-earth, regular lad, I do not fall for most advertisements, yet have taken the trouble to think out mine (to maximise incidences of being swiped right).

The profiles on Tinder do not smack a vanity fair as the ones on Instagram (not having an account there), yet the dating application ranks second in this respect and does not take my fancy. Frankly speaking many profile have simply shied me away.

Browsing profiles of women is akin to walking around a huge shop with lots of stuff on shelves, yet little decent items to pick from. Yet on the other hand, if you are selective, on average out of plenty of candidates you can pick somebody whose profile appealed to you at first sight.

Many women found there are simply nice and should enjoy interest of males. The question which instantly pops up is why they are still single. Ample reasons might be guessed:
- too little exposure to men in everyday situations to find a suitable candidate,
- men being afraid of being turned down by attractive women,

- women having exorbitant expectations vast majority of men cannot live up to,

- problems ‘with self’ of both women and men resulting in inability to build a healthy relationship (the sad sign of our times).

What has finally prompted me to install Tinder was a rational calculation. If I had not done it, in some time I would nearly certainly be stuck where I was on 9 February. As I have done it, at best I might experience something good, at worst I can be back at square one (same place as if I had not installed). All this with proper reserve and with no big emotional commitment nor hopes. As psychologists point out, Tinder might intensify the feeling or being solitary and rejected.

One year and seven months after the break-up I can confess just recently I have got over it (i.e. stop reminiscing the past, since I have never had doubt the decision had been right). I realise what my value as a human and as a male is, between people I frequently a misfit or misunderstood and will not risk a mismatch just to fill the void. I will not give up in trying to find a woman who fits me, yet not at any price.