In recent days or even weeks I have repeatedly recalled my fictiona lconversation with a guardian angel, held in autumn of 2012. In fact, that post
was a compilation of shorter or longer conversations that had lifted my spirits
in heart-wrenching circumstances and had helped me get hold of myself. With
hindsight, looking back at one of my most precious notes on this blog (pardon
the absolute lack of modesty), I feel back then, aged 24, I was just a boy,
today I have more makings of an adult.
2020 will be engraved in memories of most people as the time of
pandemic, lockdown, uncertainty. For me, the pandemic would serve as a
background and catalyst of several ups and downs in personal life which seemingly
have so far led me nowhere, but along the way, all tribulations and emotional
swings have made me much wiser, self-aware and mature. Stumbling and falling
might be nasty and painful, but accompanying opportunities to get to know myself
help make prudent choices.
The progress I have made since 2012 impacts where my guardian angel
resides. Eight years ago I searched for him in other people. Today I can feel
his presence inside myself. I no longer need a helping hand in coping with
emotions, I handle them on my own, but need company to get off my chest what
the guardian angels advises me.
The frequent dialogues with the (non-existent, symbolic) guardian angel been
probably spurred by involuntary isolation, have been an opportunity to face myself,
explore the darkest depths of my mind, travel to the past and seek its influence
on the presence. I have recalled several moment from my life, happiness and
misery and have asked myself several questions.
I wondered why all the good things I have experienced seemed just temporary,
so vague? Why have I always caught those good moments to cherish them before
they passed, but so seldom felt the happiness was about to persist?
Have I recently tried to escape the greyness of daily grind and loneliness?
Have I been in need of more and more to break away from what has been burning
me inside. Have I bordered on doing it at the expense of somebody?
Why have I never felt wholeheartedly comfortable in a relationship? What
factors have never let me feel entirely safe and serene by a woman’s side? Will
I ever be able to feel comfortable with a life companion? Should I put it down
to not meeting a suitable person, or should I blame myself and seek
professional help?
Why are males so weak in keeping up and fostering friendships between
one another? Women are far superior to men in that realm. These days I strive
to enjoy a company or fellow men as much as I can and make the most of them. I
sadly cannot get enough.
I could write another post on my Tinder experiences, much more
interesting and insightful than the previous ones, but I will hold off on this
and wait until the ongoing story unfolds either way.
I yearn for a peaceful of mind, a restful sleep and feeling of security
when I wake up. I am slowly drifting towards state of calmness, hope to get
there in a while, with a little help from my guardian angel.
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