Two weeks ago Lucy asked me on messenger how I was doing with decorating my
flat and the progress of moving in. In response, I sent her some photos, she
insisted I showed her the flat, rather than just pics. Recently I have embraced
all forms of gate-crashing, so I suggested she came over on the same day.
Knowing our relationship was clear I expected she would pay me a visit, take
a mini-tour through the dwelling, we would eat or drink something, have a chat
and she would go away. She came with a bottle of wine, yet firmly insisted I
did not open and keep it for a better occasion, in the meantime she called her
boyfriend (who was spending the weekend at his father’s) and told him where she
was, the visit followed the scenario I had outlined before.
On Easter Sunday my parents spotted the bottle of wine. I told a female friend
of mine had dropped in on me and had brought it. They were convinced she had
come with a clear intention and I had missed an opportunity. On Easter Monday
when I went for a long walk with my father he told I should have shagged her,
for pleasure. There was no reasoning with parents, but let’s leave this thread
off.
The story illustrates not just the generation gap (my friends see the
same disparity in perception of the same behaviours between their parents and
them), but how times and acceptable behaviours have changed as well. What a few
decades ago was a clear signal of interest (and for many a step too far), today
is just a meaningless friendly visit and I am convinced (knowing Lucy for many
years) if I had made a pass on her, I would have ended up slapped in face, she
would have made off and the circle of my friends were have got narrower by one
person.
I am far from commending the Islamic model in which a woman cannot talk
to another man if her husband is not around, I am also far from condemning the
current laxity of female-male relationships, yet the distinction between
showing (a sexual) interest and being nice to a man has waned in recent years. When
ambiguous jokes, despite #metoo, have become the order of the day, when being
nice to a male friend has the same appearances, as picking a boy up, the importance
of flirt, a sophisticated art of tightening a relationship into the romantic
angle, has waned and I deplore about it. We, males, as straightforward human beings,
happen to get lost in it and misread (in both ways) the signals sent to us by
females.
Is the friendship between a woman and a heterosexual man possibl?. I argue,
yes, as long as a man does not find his female friend sexually appealing. I
have a few female friends, most of them are objective attractive, but I
personally do not find them sexually attractive, which is absolutely normal,
unlike willing to have sex with any creature of the opposite sex. This lack of
sexual attraction ensures the relationship is safe and rules are clear for both
parties.
As I concluded the conversation on the situation above with one of my female
friends (10+ years since hitting it off without understatements), a male is a too
straightforward creature to think up the concept of friendzone. Having gone through
some ups and down in relationships and endavours to enter into them, I feel
seasoned enough not to fall into the trap of the friendzone. If I am interested
in a woman, I will not try to get closer to her by reaching the status of her
trusted friend and getting stuck in that position while someone else will shag
her (pardon the explicit language). In majority of situations such approach
means I lose a woman (who wants me to be her friend, but not boyfriend) at all,
which ensures I emotionally close such chapter, not caring whether it might
hurt her, therefore the loss is preferable to a delusion.
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