Breakthrough?

I can’t recall when we first met. It must have been during one of Area meetings in 2015 in Warsaw. We’d meet several times, I knew who you were, you knew who I was.

Ten months ago you relocated to Warsaw. Somebody suggested I could try and ask you out, somebody unaware I had been tangled up with someone else. I replied I would not overreach myself just to try and let time bring it on, or not.

In early March while at the off-site corpo-booze-up we had a longer chat in your room. We behaved innocently as children. Last week you told me back then you’d had in mind to make use of the fact your room-mate had not arrived…

7 April

After a workshop we both attended I approached you and asked whether you would eat out with my fellow workmates and me. So casually, just not to make an impression that I care at all…

14 April

I walked to your floor to wish happy Easter to your team-mates, but particularly to you. As we parted I felt I wanted to touch you and to kiss you. The tension was felt in the air, but we did nothing to relieve it.

Easter

Just look up this post to get the picture of how hopeless I felt. In conversations with some close friends I mentioned there came the moment to brace myself for being alone by the end of my days, or at best stop taking it for granted I would get married and have children. They all in unison rebuked me over my disheartened state of mind.

26 April

Death of someone else’s father turned out to disentangle me from the weird relationship or rather loosened it up to the level of a healthily distanced friendship by reminding someone else her husband was a caring man not deserving to have his wife looking out for a substitute at times. The drastic termination pushed me closed to the verge of despair. Oddly enough, your presence helped me not to think about someone else.

5 May

The reality overpowered me. I needed to give in, I couldn’t care less. Out of this blues I came forward with a proposal you went with me to pick up a gift for my friend’s newly born child. I intended to take you out to an eatery, then maybe to see you off home. Instead you asked whether I would go with you to see vacuum cleaners. I confess the moment you asked that question I knew what it meant. I carried the vacuum cleaner to your flat for three kilometres, for some reasons I didn’t break sweat even though it was the first really warm day since many weeks. I put down the box on the floor. I knew it was your territory and expected you to deal out the cards. In didn’t take you long to grab my hand to push my body close to yours… (…) Around an hour later, as the door phone bell signalled your flatmate was returning, I made off in a rush. Until today opinions who had provoked that situation vary. At that moment the course and dynamics of events, though utterly predictable, was a surprise to me.

Next week I had absolutely no idea how to handle it, nor what direction I wanted it to take. Friday’s adventure loomed as one-off thing of the past. I perceived the situation as an attempt to seduce or manipulate me and therefore stayed cautious…

12 May

You asked me to talk over what happened a week earlier. My perception of what had happened began to evolve, but at that moment I could not tell her we would be together or not. I acted as an indecisive prat, yet I needed to think things over…

A few days later I asked you out for a lunch. At that moment the outcome of my ponderings was straightforward – if I had given up on you, I would have certainly hurt you, if I had given it a try, I could have hurt you. I was ready for being turned down. You were determined to give it a second chance. Then it went on quite smoothly and swiftly.

The next weeks did not resemble the magnificent state of infatuation, crush or fascination. It was the attraction we felt for each other that kept it together. I missed the emotional element back then. While sharing my doubts with friends, I coined an offensive term ciało obce (an alien body) to call you and to define the essence of what our relationship rested on…

Over the first weeks we both had quite many occasions to break up, including my trip to Germany, returning from which I didn’t know whether there was anything nor anyone to return to. On the other hand, we both kept fighting for it and there were equally many occasions to make up. I guess this bodes well for next months…

I still wonder, whether what now burns it just the desire or something more. I am noticing nascent friendship between us, an emerging emotional bond.

Though you attract me and turn me on so good, you are not a woman of my dreams. I can’t imagine you are my wife, a mother of my children, a shoulder to cry on when I’m in trouble. Friends have told me these are the reasons to give up on you, but something inside me tells me to keep it going.

I am letting things drift. Desire will burn down in a few months and what is left then will clinch whether what is between us falls apart or is worth fostering.

Oddly enough, since we have been together, my popularity with women increased so much that I‘ve grown nearly sick of it. And despite my numerous doubts I resist all temptations. For professional reasons we’ve decided to keep it secret. I know there is no better way, but I‘m also fed up with pretending to be a single on a constant lookout. After all we both deceive people around us.

No matter how it all ends, the whole set-up is an excellent example that instead of striving, trying hard, wanting badly, the best you can do is to follow the simple piece of advice: Miej wy***ane, a będzie ci dane.

Off for a weekend next week, so next note due in two weeks.