Depression – another episode

4 years ago I wrote about depression. At that time I felt something wrong was going on with me, yet not fully realising I was in for the third episode thereof in my lifetime. The first one struck me in late 2005, a few months before high-school leaving exams, the two other ones came in summer of 2011 and around autumn of 2017. I fully recovered from the last one in early 2018, with decreasing doses of pharmaceutical support. With such track record I am at the group of risk for suffering from recurring relapses of depression.

The pandemic did it bit in increasing the odds of a recurrence. During early months I did not fully isolate (numbers of infections were 100 lower than in late March 2021) and fleeting relationships originated on Tinder were lifting my spirits (or bringing me down). I actually considered myself quite self-aware and claimed I would easily recognise the first symptoms of the illness. In November 2020 I began to wake up two hours too early and had problems to fall asleep again. I put it down to stress and shrugged it off. Then came the continuous tension and inability to relax, resulting in constant fatigue. It kept me company since early 2021, but was bearable and did not influence my daily functioning.

Things took a noticeable turn for the worse in late June 2021. I blame a combination of four factors which sparked off the fourth episode of depression:
- prolonged social isolation (staying in home for too long, too little direct contact with people),
- general grudge borne against the society, actually the noisy fraction of them who do everything to keep the pandemic going (anti-vaxxers),
- my parents’ problems with health (amplified by lack of proper access to health care since March 2020),
- ups and downs in my relationship, including three break-ups (all revoked, we are still together).

How it encroached on me? I was void of any energy, felt constant anxiety, lost appetite and drive, had troubles focusing on even simple tasks, everything appeared to make no sense, future seemed full of negative events, I had attacks of sobbing without any specific reason. Life was overwhelming, getting through each day seemed a tremendous effort. Being quite aware how this black hole works I resisted other typical symptoms such as lack of self-esteem or suicidal thoughts. I also did not withdraw from social life (although in the darkest days interactions with people were horrifically tiresome).

In mid-July I consulted a psychiatrist and was prescribed medications. Side effects thereof were the most noticeable in my lifetime, despite moderate dosage. I felt dizzy, felt dry in my mouth, broke sweat even if not moving, my heart was beating faster than normally. For nearly 2 weeks I had to give up on driving and watch out when cycling or swimming. Then my body and brain got used to the chemistry.

Currently I can function normally or even intensely at work and socialise. I have no problems with concentration nor drive, my mood is neutral, gone is the anxiety. Sadly, I feel totally indifferent to any emotions and impulses, both negative and positive, I do not consider it natural. The tension has not waned yet and I still wake up around 4 a.m. I feel on the mend, yet a long way is ahead of me. It will involve several months of taking medicines and a therapy, to learn how to take some burdens off my mind. I also worry relapses might hamper the life of my family in the next years, even despite I have learnt how to deal with it and do my best to overcome it.