Online dating – first chapter closed in 2025

Half a year past terminating the last relationship, the time was up to open myself for some new mating opportunities. I have not yearned badly for pairing up with somebody. I still remember how lousy the recent relationship was at times and appreciate benefits of being single and superiority of such status over being in a dead-end relationship. On the other hand, I do not want myself to get too used to being on my own, hence the decision to stray out of the comfort zone.

Given the above, I should have cared little and had fun from meeting new women and giving them up if we did not fit each other. Instead, I ended up quite stressed out, totally not pertinently to magnitude of dating. I still have not dug into reasons of my distress.

Dating applications have somewhat moved on since my previous short episode with them in spring 2022 (not saved for posterity here). The crucial change from my viewpoint is a declaration on family plans. You can choose to write (or not to fill it in) whether you want to have offspring, not want it, do not know yet or are open to it. The former two declarations are clear, with women who do not want children being swipe left by me. With the latter two I do have an issue. A woman aged 25 might still not consider whether to have children, but a woman aged around 35, given her time is running out, should have made up her mind already. The “open to kids” badge is even more confusing. Given the hardships of pregnancy and upbringing, responsibilities and limitations parenthood involves, having nothing against having your life turned upside down sounds at best absurdly. Unless it means they don’t mind their partner having children from previous relationships.

Until now I met four girls. Spoiler alert – there was no second date in any case.

The first girl, Agata, aged 31. Was kind of businesslike, determined to raise a family soon. Before we met, she had begun a straightforward evaluation of me, mentioning several times if I had been awarded an upside or a downside. With limited hope it would click in I decided to meet her. The offline chat was nice, although overly revolved around her previous experiences with men, with a story of her peer, who struggled to have an erection and asked if they could watch porn together too boost his desire, being just the tip of the iceberg. We mutually agreed the chemistry was badly missing and went separate ways.

The second girl, Ola, aged 32. With hindsight, I wondered why I had swiped her right, but decided to give it a try. Subjective red flags cropped up soon, meaning I spotted potential conflict areas I have gone through in previous relationships and given I learn from my mistakes, I have resolved to back out of this after the first date. I communicated it openly one day after we met offline, as out of four girls she was the only one intent on developing the relationship.

The third girl, Monika, aged 34. Quite brisk and talkative in the app, turned out to be a bit of shy when we met offline to take a walk together. I suppose she was a kind if disillusioned when she confronted her image of me with me in reality. There was no major chemistry, however since her bio in the app was scant, I could have risked continuing getting to know her better. The morning after our date the match in the app was deleted. I have been ghosted and have not gotten over it lightly. It was not the very rejection, but the silent form it which has left me slightly burnt and bruised. If you treat people on your way with respect and communicate unpleasant messages openly, even if it depletes you of energy, theoretically you do not deserve to be ghosted. Nevertheless, such practice is prevalent in online dating and however crummy it is, there is no way to avoid it altogether.

The fourth girl, Dominika, aged 34. Seemed the nicest, a good soul and looking really nice. Messaging between us nearly faded after around a week, but in a whiff of irritation after being ghosted by Monika, I asked her to communicate openly if she did not want to meet me (she first proposed an offline walk). To my surprise, she did not give up on me and eventually we met. Chemistry was not in the air and the next day she informed it had been our first and last meeting.

For the time being my impression is that much has changed in dating apps since 2020, sadly for the worse. Maybe my sample is too small, but I observe communication skills on the wane. I could blame myself, but in other social situations my conversations go on smoothly and do not need to be awkwardly upheld. Maybe it is just the lack of chemistry, maybe involvement of only one person to carry on with talking.

Maths-wise, with more single women than men in my age in Warsaw or around, my reasonably decent look and other features, things should go well. The reality turns out to be against me. Pragmatically, I want to build a relationship with a woman who shares most values with me and wants to raise a family soon. The core reason, which I have identified away from the dating apps is that many single women in their 30s have their decent lives, filled with activities, live it up and prefer to be single to pairing up with a “good enough” partner. Besides, a man is hard to be squeezed into daily scheduled filled with work, pets, hobbies, sport, friends and family. I have asked ChatGPT why developed countries are plagued with an epidemic of singletons and its response unsurprisingly squares with my observations. A lower percentage of people in relationships is one of major causes of the demographic crisis exacerbating in Poland (fertility rate in my homeland gets close to 1.0).

Time to come up with an alternative vision of life if I do not manage to find a life companion to set up a family with. Given how ghastly the prospects of finding a reasonable woman are, throwing in a towel and settling for a lonely life might one day become the preferable option…

Tinder – why I have deleted it

While I last updated on how I was doing with a dating application, I was about to meet up with Girl 10, Natalia. That affection lasted merely 10 days, yet was the most intensive of all lived through this year. The chemistry was in the air from our first date which lasted 3 hours, up until the fifth one. She was 7 months younger than me, held an executive position in one of worldwide corporation, besides was damn smart, inquisitive, businesslike and beautiful (176 centimetres tall, slim, long, blond hair). Going out with her boosted my ego (though I had not planned it), as such woman raises the bar high and very few males could live up to her expectations. I did not feel inferior on account of having a senior rank-and-file position and earning half of what she earned and not driving an Audi A6 being her company. Her approach to relationships, especially her actually unfinished relationship with her ex-boyfriend have prompted me to give up on it. I felt relief after telling we there was no point in meeting any more. Emotionally, I have come out of that affection burnt and bruised. I dug up dirt of my previous relationship or other events I had considered to be closed chapter. Yet, those 10 days gave me a very precious lesson of how I should not feel like while by somebody’s side.

As I was picking up the pieces, left with little hope of finding somebody to be a match to me, I chatted up Girl 11, also Natalia. She was kind of reserved and therefore we met after 9 days of texting at a café. We talked for 4 hours, then I saw her off to the underground. After that meeting we both thought it could developed into nothing more than a friendship. For some reason we gave it a chance and met two days later at her home, talked for 3 hours more, then hugged and in the middle of a night I drove back home. Then a few days later we spent the entire evening on a Vistula-side beach. We have just let things drift and it has shaped up.

We both realise we differ in terms of education, job, earnings, yet we focus on what brings us together, staying aware of our imperfections.

I appreciate she is straightforward, sincere, trustworthy, has outstanding emotional intelligence and has all makings of a good friend.

After 3 months (we first met on 9 July 2020) I still feel some sort of uncertainty (which is natural, yet vividly communicated by her). Also since we spend a lot of time together, also in each other’s home, it seems this relationship is has lasted longer than actually. Quite early, the time of butterflies in the stomach and honeymoon seems to be drawing to a close (hopefully the affection is not burning out). With prospects of an imminent second lockdown (the recent surge in new infections (5,300 yesterday vs. around 2,400 a week ago) we are considering living together under one roof.

Given the pandemic has sadly spiralled out of control, not only in Poland, but across Europe, I have resolved to resume my pandemic diary, which I wrote between mid-March 2020 and mid-May 2020. The days ahead ought to be saved for posterity. Maybe I am a born pessimist, but I fear the worst. The governors will be forced to choose between economic well-being and mental health of all people at the expense of healthcare brought to its knees or saving lives of elderly people.

Online dating – second chapter… not closed yet

I have not stuck to my resolution to stay away from Tinder for a while, at least until lockdown restrictions were eased or I cooled off. Some say the application is addictive, but I put down setting up a renewed profile on Tinder in late April to lockdown-driven blues. Surrounded by the walls of my flat, I longed for a company (socially, but also physically).

Girl 5, Natalia, aged 29.

We met on Monday, 4 May. Cafes and restaurants were still closed so the only option was a walk and… a meal at a park (Natalia had baked a cake for that occasion). I had a quite nice evening, broke out of home for a good few hours to lift my moods, though we both knew the chemistry was badly missing and were well-mannered enough to speak it out. Since then we texted a few times.

Girl 6, Marta, aged 29

She was one of two girls who texted me first. In terms of proactivity, Tinder is quite conservative and men are broadly expected to start a conversation. She wanted to buy a bike and asked if I could advise her – an ingenious idea on how to pick up a boy. We met first in a bicycle shop on Wednesday, 13 May, then went for a walk. Over the first hour the conversation did not go beyond small talk, but I decided to take one more chance and asked if I could drive her home. The chat went on track in the car, then we talked for around an hour upon parking outside her block of flats. We met again three days later. I bought strawberries, made a cake and took her for a picnic at the shore of Vistula. The afternoon was chilly, yet the date was more than good. Next three days later we met again, the date spontaneously ended in her flat and lasted until next morning. The abrupt acceleration of the relationship also brought forward its end, as truth be told, we were not a perfect match, or straightforwardly, did not fit each other (yet it transpired early). It was the second time I learnt “no ONS, no FwB” in a description means “don’t start a conversation asking if we could have sex; instead prove you deserve to shag me”. Took me some two or three days to get over the experience and realise why people make off after an intercourse instead of eating a breakfast together.

Girl 7, Magda, aged 28

On Sunday, 24 May I was matched with her, as she was seeking a partner to attend a wedding with. I did not feel like texting, so I asked her out for a coffee two days later. Mere seven days after the most recent “adventure” I felt remorse to date another girl and pretend to be a kind guy. We drank two teas and then went for a walk, the meeting lasted over three hours and we declared to stay in touch. Two days later I was quite confused to learn she wanted a friend, not a boyfriend, which was quite puzzling to me, as this does not seem a reason to use a dating application. I thanked for the nice evening and we cut each other off.

Girl 8, Kasia, aged 31

We met on Tuesday, 2 June. She is a book worm, so I decided to take her to a bookshop where we spent around the first hour of the date talking about books, then moved on to drink a coffee. The chemistry was missing at least on my side, however we agreed to stay in touch and exchange opinions about books. Until today we text each other a few times a week, hence I actually have another person who shares my interests (since the beginning of the lockdown I have read more than 20 books which before had been my yearly count).

Girl 9, Kasia (and here names begin to repeat), aged 36

After a few days of writing one message per day she insisted on a face-to-face meeting. I agreed. We met on Saturday, 6 June. Out of all girls met on Tinder, she was the oldest (though later I learnt she used to be in a long-term relationship) and seemed extremely shy. After the first day, I could not say it made no sense, therefore I decided to give it a second try. On Corpus Christi I repeated the rehearsed scenario of taking a girl out to a beach and felt guilty on account of this. Cross my heart, this was the most disastrous date I had this year and prayed for its end. I drove her home and experienced a sigh of relief after she got off. The next day I texted her there was no use in trying any harder and wish luck in searching. I thought the time was right to give up dating for some time as the pace of taking next attempts accelerated too rapidly, to the extent I could call dating a sport, but my will was not the strongest in that respect.

Girl 10, Natalia, aged 32

We met the day before yesterday, we meet today. Time will tell how the story unfolds.

Tinder is given a bad name by several people who have never used it. Allegedly, looking for a life companion there resembles looking for a needle in a haystack.  Supposedly, it is a cluster of people with several sort of psychological problems. Most people do not get ahead there and say the application can get you down. I, conversely, see more upsidse. It bolstered my self-confidence, boosted social skills, finally, I realised again being alone is superior to being by someone’s side but not feeling comfortable. Thanks to Tinder I will have some nice memories from the lockdown.

Despite several drawbacks of the application, most of which can be overcome by being selective in choice of potential partners, it has one huge advantage. The law of big numbers works here in practice and is probably the only place where one can scores of people one would not stand a chance to meet in daily life, no matter how active and social it would be.

The biggest downside is the repeatable scheme of writing, then dating, which in fact is checking whether you would pair up lacks the chemistry appearing gradually, which is observable when you meet people in different circumstances in real life.

Online dating – first chapter closed

In this bleak period I feel obliged to follow up on my hands-on experience with the most popular online dating application. As I pointed out in the opening post, the question why so many attractive women are single, remains valid, with all my suppositions shared then holding plausible.

Girl 1, Ewa (names not changed), aged 31

We started texting on Tuesday, 11 February. The Tinder conversation went on smoothly, then we switched to Messenger and met in a cafeteria in Galeria Mokotów on Sunday, 16 February, evening. Except for the greeting part, when Ewa offered to pay for us both, underlining she was “a strong and independent woman” and I had to convince her I would pay as the one who had asked her out, the date was quite successful, without a moment of silence (which is the worst that can happen during first date). We were forced to farewell by the café staff as the closing time had come. Ewa promised to ask me out, yet after two or three days she ceased to write voluntarily and her replies to my messages were more and more succinct. The conversation died out naturally, or in other words Ewa vanished like a ghost. No regrets, as Ewa, as a workaholic and clinging excessively on to her independence, would not have been a perfect match.

On 21 February I removed my first Tinder profile and set up a revamped one. Having familiarised with how the application worked, I decided to start over and boost my chances to pair up.

Girl 2, Justyna, aged 34

We started texting on Friday, 28 February and met in town on Tuesday, 3 March. She turned out to be a nice, quite shy, yet crazy girl, though in terms of physical attractiveness not fitting my taste. During our meeting she confessed she was still getting over a break-up with her ex-boyfriend and actually told me the (pitiful) story of their relationship. As a matter of principle, some time ago I had resolved to cease to serve as a shoulder to cry on for heartbroken women and I stick to it. We texted for a while and in late March we officially wrote the final “goodbyes” to each other. Lost without regret.

Girl 3, Joanna, aged 29

We started texting on Tuesday, 10 March. Circumstances were not favourable to meet in person, yet Joanna, a psychiatrist working at Sz**tal Bró****ski adjudicated it would be safe to go for a walk. We met in late afternoon on Sunday, 15 March, as first lockdown measures were already in place. I chose ul. Płatnicza at Stare Bielany as a venue. We had a nice, nearly two-hour walk, however I believe she was somewhat disillusioned upon confronting how she had imagined me with the reality. After the meeting the exchange of messages got less intense, finally three days later she apologised for not being in touch and to get back once things shape up. I realised this was a lie, yet I am not sure whether it was about me or about the COVID-19 related mess at her workplace (my friend’s father works there, so I know this could have been the reason).

Girl 4, Ola, aged 29

I was about to give up on Tinder, but during a tedious teleconference with a client on Friday 20 March, out of pure boredom I began swiping profiles. She became my match two days later and just out of good manner I decided to start a conversation. Ola had returned from abroad on 16 March and was staying at home for 2 weeks as part of obligatory quarantine. This meant we had to wait to meet until Tuesday, 31 March, on the last day when walks in the groups of two were permitted. The two-hour walk ended in her flat which I left… around midnight. We then met three times more before Easter, then she travelled to her family home for Easter, with intention to stay there for a while and… signalled she was not interested in continuing the relationship. Given in many respects she was not a perfect match, little regret again. I feel guilty. I had decided to go out (or rather stay in) with her for two reasons – I felt lonely during the lockdown and my hormones were (and still are) buzzing. We got physical far too quickly and this was a mistake. I initiated everything, she was passively giving in, lacking assertiveness to tell me to back down if she felt uncomfortably. Besides, during texting before meeting in reality she told she did not want a boy intent on developing just the physical aspect of the relationship, so I must have let her down, or she could have felt deceived.

What I have learnt about myself or rather what has been confirmed?

1. I am not cut out for online communication. I cannot waste more than a few days texting before meeting up. I totally do not understand how people can exchange messages for weeks before they see each other.

2. I need to hold on to something, i.e. I need to feel the commitment of a girl, otherwise I clam up and let go.

3. Statistically, most girls I could meet are not perfect matches, this is absolutely normal, yet the form of rejection matter. I have no problem communicating to a girl there is no future for us and have no problem getting such message. But I do have problem with ghosting, which is the cruellest and most painful form of rejection.

4. When texting with a girl, I did not build an image of her in my mind. While setting off to meet, I would rather get to know her nearly from scratch. On the girls’ side, I feel my Tinder profile was creating a better impression of me than I did myself in reality.

Having dated four women over the last two months I need now a break to bring myself into order. After the last experience, I am in process of convincing myself I am not a rapist and should not feel overly guilty of the fast progress of getting to know Ola very well. Next, I will need to convince myself not every woman will hurt or deceive me and that some women might have some courage and will not vanish into the air.

Had it not been for the pandemic, I would probably set up a new profile on Tinder, though it would be more advisable to take my time and cool off. Coping with the past is under way, yet prospects of future are disheartening. With stringent lockdown measures in place, social life has to be put on hold for indefinite time. No days to count down, no chance to meet somebody in the real world, while just living it up. Except for longing for direct contact with other humans, I am reasonably doing well in the lockdown. Maybe if the epidemic eases and restrictions are lifted, some forms of real-world dating will become possible again.

T****r - one month on

Having shared some first impressions on using the dating app, time for some more observations and some advice for those considering using it. Supposedly, it is no longer a shame, but there is no guarantee you will not be stigmatised or categorised as looking for ONS* or FWB**.

Before you run Tinder, read a few articles how algorithms of Tinder work. In simple words, they drive which profiles will be shown to other users (if you are shown, you get chances to be selected), based on your relative attractiveness (how many users swipe you left and how many swipe you right) which is partly beyond your control and based on your behaviour patterns. Tinder scores highest moderately picky users. Those who swipe only right (to maximised odds of being paired up) and who swipe left too frequently (i.e. are to picky / selective looking for matches) are ranked lower.

Your attractiveness (which is partly under your control) depends on how well you invest in your profile. Uploading a few photos of you (which show how you really look like) and writing a summary of you boosts chances of drawing interest of other users. I have no idea what people who upload one picture and write nothing about themselves reckon on.

The biggest chances are upon creating a profile, so at the very beginning. At that time your choice of partners is the biggest – once you swipe somebody left or right, you do it irreversibly (unless you pay for a premium account). Also at that time your profile shows up most frequently to others users as a fresh one. After a week or two you may run out of potential partners, which is a reason many users delete their profiles and set them up anew.

Looking a somebody reasonable on an application which still is labelled as designed to look for casual sex resembles looking for a needle in a haystack. It takes luck, patience and reserve.

Tinder is definitely not for sensitive people. Apart from being exposed to online dating pathologies, you should bear in mind the percentage of people having problems with self (it pertains to both women and men) on Tinder is much higher than average.

Besides, I am not fond of online communication, which is should be just a substitute of face-to-face communication if for some reason you cannot see a fellow man. Tinder can be good to gain exposure to potential partners which is limited in daily, repetitive life, but once your conversation goes well for a while (to be precise, for around 4 – 8 days), time to meet offline – so is my principle.

So far not a word about girls I have chatted with or dated. Keeping you curious, dear readers.

* stands for one night stand

** stands for friends with benefits

Tinder

After turning 32, when one spends most of the time getting about between home and the office, going to the same place and meeting the same friends, chances to find a life companion are far smaller than in university times. You can participate in several events (trips, workshops, lectures), yet people go there, rightly, to do specific things, not too look for a partner. Women who I tried to talk to on a street were always scared, seeming not to be pleased with unsolicited contact. While if you set up your profile on the most popular dating application you agree to be approached by potential partners.

I had been sceptical for many months prior to installing the application, having heard from people who use it, Tinder is a swamp, but also heard of people whose friends had met loves of their lives thanks to it. But it is unfair to shape your view on the application, relying only on other people’s experiences.

I created my profile last Sunday, on 9 February. Facebook kindly reminded me of me ex-girlfriend’s birthday (I no longer follow her, but have not unfriended her, we have not talked since completing formalities after the break-up). It was done on the spur of the moment, with the thought that it is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

My first observations after the first week of swiping approximately 99% of profiles left (I aim to be quite selective and not waste time on dead-end dating) are bitter-sweet. I have narrowed down my search criteria to women aged between 28 and 35, located (the application reads its users’ smartphones’ locations) in the circle of 30 kilometres.

It took me less than 10 minutes to find a (female) workmate from a neighbouring department. Later on, I found more than 10 women I know, however I need to underline all of them are single.

Setting up a profile on Tinder is a great exercise in self-advertising, which anyway is a common denominator of all social media activities. On Tinder, unlike on Linkedin, your goal is to attract attention of your potential partner (not defining what such partnership would consist in), not a headhunter. As a down-to-earth, regular lad, I do not fall for most advertisements, yet have taken the trouble to think out mine (to maximise incidences of being swiped right).

The profiles on Tinder do not smack a vanity fair as the ones on Instagram (not having an account there), yet the dating application ranks second in this respect and does not take my fancy. Frankly speaking many profile have simply shied me away.

Browsing profiles of women is akin to walking around a huge shop with lots of stuff on shelves, yet little decent items to pick from. Yet on the other hand, if you are selective, on average out of plenty of candidates you can pick somebody whose profile appealed to you at first sight.

Many women found there are simply nice and should enjoy interest of males. The question which instantly pops up is why they are still single. Ample reasons might be guessed:
- too little exposure to men in everyday situations to find a suitable candidate,
- men being afraid of being turned down by attractive women,

- women having exorbitant expectations vast majority of men cannot live up to,

- problems ‘with self’ of both women and men resulting in inability to build a healthy relationship (the sad sign of our times).

What has finally prompted me to install Tinder was a rational calculation. If I had not done it, in some time I would nearly certainly be stuck where I was on 9 February. As I have done it, at best I might experience something good, at worst I can be back at square one (same place as if I had not installed). All this with proper reserve and with no big emotional commitment nor hopes. As psychologists point out, Tinder might intensify the feeling or being solitary and rejected.

One year and seven months after the break-up I can confess just recently I have got over it (i.e. stop reminiscing the past, since I have never had doubt the decision had been right). I realise what my value as a human and as a male is, between people I frequently a misfit or misunderstood and will not risk a mismatch just to fill the void. I will not give up in trying to find a woman who fits me, yet not at any price.