Where am I heading?

Basically, especially looking from an onlooker's perspective at my life, things aren't going on wrong.

Health-wise, with the exception of the lumbar spine which I will have be careful with until the end of my days, with depression kept at bay, there is nothing more to worry. Should a mishap strike me, money is put aside to ensure superior medical care.

Work-wise, eight months into the path a few years ago I would shun, not only do I not regret it, but apparently I get ahead. My workmates, especially my team and my boss are glad they work with me. At times it is tough, at times I am sick of it, yet those moments don't change my overall positive perception.

My parents are getting older, with mum now 76, dad just turned 77. They carry on, yet their physical and mental fitness has been on decline over the last years. I face what almost everybody faces, maybe except for being totally alone with it. They are my only family, I have no bonds with other relatives and frankly speaking I don't feel like reviving them. Such is the reason why I fear their death.

My social life does exist, I can't complain about intensity of my social interactions (three times out in town over the last week), yet it is not as abundant as of single women who can boast of more robust social capital, built mostly on relationships with fellow females.

With respect to discontinued involvement in Szlachetna Paczka, my decision taken during the recent edition is upheld. I feel burnt out, too much has gone wrong and it would be too hard to make up for it. Moreover, with current work-related duties, the Paczka would be too time-consuming. My lookout for an alternative volunteering has not yet commenced. Maybe I'm putting it back to cool down.

Am I one of those, whose self-fulfilment hinges upon raising a family, primarily passing my genes to the next generation, or, as the malicious one would put into in words – leaving the offspring to this lousy, overcrowded planet?

Are my efforts to pursue the above doomed to fail? Dating-wise, I can't gripe about lack of interest from women (a problem several males of my age have) on dating apps (which is a far broader universe than offline world). Why doesn't it then develop into a relationship? After over a year I make out two repeatable scenarios: either a woman asks more questions to find out if I live up to her expectations and at that stage her letdown comes up (beneficial for everyone, wasted time spared) or we meet in person, often want to meet again or even do so, but it turns out she has no room in her life (in which she's tremendously busy) to fit getting to know a man better. Those women will most likely end up as happy singles.

Writing about interest, unpaid versions of popular dating apps show you some details of persons who swiped you right, including the age. From there I know more than two-third of women interested in me are aged 38 or more. Women in early 30s seeking a male a few years older are in minority. With such age profile of potential life companions, odds to become a father dwindle.

This might be the moment to ask myself a question whether it makes sense to pair up, but not have children. Such relationship would always contain the missing piece, an unsatisfied desire with a potential to blow up a relationship, even if both partners want offspring, but for reasons beyond their control can't have it.

I'm most fed up with going through the same scheme with every match, an experience of fatigue most dating app users are familiar with. The natural defence mechanism is taking breaks, to start over after a while. The in-person meetings are usually a nicely spent time, though getting me nowhere. They are just a form of temporal escape from a mundane reality.

In these lousy times like never before people seek outbursts of dopamine brought by travels, doing sports, fine dining, profligate consumption, seeking attention in social media, less frequently casual sex (I suspect some women have so many other sources of dopamine that they no longer need it). Travels and doing sport bring me joy, some other dopamine triggers don't work with me. Taking delight in pleasurable activities does give relief from the void, partly in the same way as intoxication gives short-term relief from the sorrow of being alive. I wish I can rise above it

Raising children and keeping them company, as they reach next stages of their lives moves a parent's life ahead. You wait for their first words, first day in nursery school, then next stages of education, doing things together, their first boyfriend or girlfriend, first job, then grandchildren. The very latter one becomes an unfulfilled dream of many contemporary folks in their 60s or 70s. Without offspring, life shapes like a circle. You may wait for a next trip to another continent or for another shot of dopamine, for the decease of your parents, you may live your siblings' children's life. Alternatively, you may fall in a self-development trap at which I look with disdain.

Upon talking to friends, then to AI (who does not ask philosophical questions to technology?) I have reached a conclusion I long for a sense of belonging, most easily found in romantic relationships and difficult to feel in a world spoilt by staring at smartphone screens.

Quite recently I got familiar with a concept devised by Paul Gilbert who posits humans exist within three circles: threat, drive and soothing. A proper balance between the three is critical for one's well-being. I swing between the two former, while in the latter circle I can find myself for short moments only, too short to restore a piece of mind, truly relax and calm down.

If my Guardian angel was to have their say about the above, what would they say?

Lumbar spine - a little crisis

After a major lumbar spine crisis in autumn 2024 my orthopaedist predicted such incidences would recur, given the irreversible degradation of my bones. The causes of the acute pain were eliminated and preventive measures, including strengthening muscles, to take the strain off the spine, were put in place. For many months, I could say I fought several battles for an active, pain-free life in a war which I will most likely lose. My aim is to defer the defeat by possibly many years, counting on a progress in medicine which would let a potential surgery be less invasive.

With some minor incidences of ache along the way, it all went smoothly until Saturday, 11 July. After the walk around the neighbourhood, which involved mostly standing upright for more than two hours, I felt a pain down my back, but took a rest, exercised a bit and chased it away. On Sunday, 12 July I forgot to take a towel to a swimming pool. I realised it in a locker room, but decided to carry on and return home wet, despite chilly (as for July) and windy weather. 

A few hours later I felt the pain which could not be exercised nor massaged away. It somewhat immobilised me, got so severe that I could not sleep at night. On Monday I started out an emergency procedure, i.e. making an appointment with a GP and any orthopaedist under my medical care plan to get an MRI referral, making sure my physiotherapist would be up to the task and arranging lifts to get there (for some two days I was unable to drive, nor to walk without trekking sticks).

Comparing the current incident, hopefully drawing to a close with the one dated September 2024, I notice numerous differences:
- 2024: I did not take any precautions, now: it occurred after months of taking preventive measures,
- 2024: I did have a lot of physical activity, maybe too intense, now: moderate, frequent, manifold exercising, including weekly visits to a gym with u customised workout plan devised by an experienced physiotherapist,
- 2024: the pain was developing for some 10 days, but I kept shrugging it off, hoping it would go away, now: my attempts to nip it in the bud went in vain and the pain knocked me down within 3 hours,
- 2024: the pain nearly immobilised and I could not sit (except for when I really needed to) for some 3 weeks or so, now: for one day I had problems with both sitting and walking, then I just could not sit for more than half an hour for a few days,
- 2024: I took a sickie for a week and then worked from bed for five weeks, now: worked from bed for a week,
- 2024: the very first symptom, with hindsight heralding the disaster was an acute ache when sneezing, now: it did not ache when I sneezed,
- 2024: strong opium-based painkillers did not seem to help (or without them I would have been screaming out), now: painkillers relieved the pain reasonably quickly (I have given up on them altogether after 11 days, reducing dosage over that time, as they remove the effect, not curing the cause).

I have broadly returned to most normal life activities, although I am waiting for green light for swimming. I had to call off a business trip planned for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, as it could squander all my efforts to pull through.

I still don't know what sparked the passing crisis, but I find it hard to believe going out wet after swimming pool knocked me down so mercilessly.

Lesson of humility has been learnt. It was a terrible reminder taking care of myself might not be enough and callous days might come, no matter how badly I endeavour to avert them.

Wieś Moczydło

While choosing a place to live, I deliberately chose a part of Ursynów with soul, climate and traces of the past scattered around modern development. I am to feel affinity with a place, I need be familiar with its history. Over years I found probably all historical photos of my neighbourhood available online, most on impressive Ursynow.org.pl site. Nevertheless I believed the local history had some unexplored areas and hence signed up for an open-air seminar on the history of Moczydło, which took part last Saturday.

Areas of Ursynów until 1970s were countryside and then, while plans of building a huge housing estate came into effect, development brutally took over, depriving the rural areas its character. I must here remind boundaries of Warsaw were enlarged in 1951 and most of contemporary Ursynów was incorporated into the capital back then. Yet in spite of being formally a city area, in practice until mid-1970 those were purely rural zones. 

Close to there I live for many decades until late 1940s there was a folwark (a grange), which in the early years of the communist era was converted into a PGR (a state-owned farm) and then torn down in late 1970s, as construction of Natolin housing estate was drawing near.

An old stable by ul. Moczydłowska serves as  remnant of the bygone farm infrastructure. The only building left is rundown, its windows and doors are bricked over to protect its interior from unwanted guests. Its roof was replaced after a fire in late 1990s. The building is under care of a konserwator zabytków (a heritage conservationist), its future fate remains as a puzzle, but on a grapevine it can be heard one day it might be converted into a community centre.

West of ul. Moczydłowska one can still spot three run-down houses, two of which have not been inhabited for years, the last one was emptied some two years ago. Oddly enough, in the area where properties cost zillions, that house lacked running water and sewage until its last days in use, its dwellers brought water from a well and used a portable loo put up on their backyard. During the walk I learnt there was a seasonal shop in the 1980s and early 1990s and a private garage, where pioneer dwellers of Ursynów could have their cars repaired.

The houses in the distance are a part of posh Kabacki Zakątek estate, built just on the verge of forest. As the construction was completed in 2016, they do not categorise as part of historical development. I bring them up here, since one of those houses is currently up for sale, at asking price of whopping PLN 14.5 million.

Ul. Wełniana used to serve as a backbone of the village. Most of old houses have been torn down to give way to new developments, but not the house to the right which used to be set on fire by locals vandals many times, until 2022 when all door and window holes were bricked over. During the seminar I learnt (from a man who was born and brought up here) the property is an inheritance three sister argued about and eventually did not dispose of it. The plot is worth some three to four millions of Polish zloty and frankly speaking quarrelling about it goes beyond my comprehension.

North of ul. Wełniana one can come across arable fields which remain cultivated by a local farmer and have not been sold. Someone's determination to grow vegetables on a land which could be sold for an 8-digit amount of PLN is remarkable, but mind-boggling. Passing it by, I consider myself lucky to have been able to buy a flat in this area when properties were relatively more affordable. At that time I had 8 years of professional experience and my net-of-tax salary (average over a year) could buy 0.8 sqm of a flat. These days, after 16 years of well-developing career and on a managerial stool, my net-of-tax salary can buy around 1.0 sqm of a flat (in the same standard as I bought) here. And note property prices have not gone up, or even marginally fell over last two years, so in 2024 properties were even less affordable.

Sailing

From early childhood, summer involved water-related outdoor activities. Swimming in a lake or sea, canoeing / kayaking, long time ago fishing are the ones I associated with summer. But still, there are many water sports I have not tried so far. Until last Saturday, sailing was on that list.

The first encounter on sailing was not entirely off my own bat. Konrad, a member of my circle of friends met in Szlachetna Paczka, has been a veteran sailor. He took it up over a decade ago, got hooked to the extent he honed his skills in sailing academia and now holds a sailor licence which allows him to navigate on an open sea several kilometres from the shore. On the first Saturday of July he took a few people from our circle for a cruise across Zalew Zegrzyński.

Sailing is in some way akin to driving a vehicle. You may decide not to sit behind the wheel and rely on a driver, which might be the case in sailing too. But if you are to steer a boat, you ought to learn some theory in advance and then practise for hundreds hours in different weather conditions to sail safely.

The biggest hindrance for me in acquiring basic sailing skills was… the vocabulary. Words or phrases unknown to me precisely describe boat elements or steering activities, but without a glossary even responding to commands of an experienced sailor is a challenge. So by the next time I undertake sailing, I will brush up on the specialised language.

After the heat wave became a history, the weather swung towards cold and windy face of summer. Few boats were on waters the last weekend, with wind reaching over 50 kmph in gusts and wind chill close to +10C in the middle of the lake. The conditions have given us a hard first time and there were moments of fear, even thought our ship was quite stable. Konrad has proven to be a seasoned sailor, knowing how to navigate the boat in nasty weather circumstances. Watching him, I recalled the old adage a smooth sea has never made a skilful sailor.

After the first try, I neither dislike it nor have grown fond of it. In some time, probably still this year, we will likely set off to repeat the experience and I will indulge in it occasionally, treating it as one of many socialising rituals, but not as a new hobby. Definitely I would prefer not confine to being a passenger and would aim to grasp basics of sailing, which definitely will do good to my brain. Stimulating the grey matter by trying new things should preserve the brain “in working order” for a long time.

June 2026 heatwave diary

At first I wanted to call it a "2026 heatwave"  but how can I assure in early July it will be the only such intense and abnormal hot spell this summer?

Tuesday, 16 June 2026
Judging by average temperature for the first half of the month, so far this is the coolest June since 2014. with hindsight, it turned out to be over 2 Celsius degrees warmer than 1991-2020 average in Warsaw.

Saturday, 20 June 2026 – Sunday, 21 June 2026
The first two days this year with highs above +30C, the latter humid and stormy. Around that time long-term forecasts hint at serious heatwave incident. At first they seem to be a model error, but with each next update, the heat dome prediction solidifies.

Thursday, 25 June 2026
Here it begins. Night-time low of +15C means at dawn it's still pleasant and one can keep the dwelling cool. Inside: between +21C and +24C. Temperature tops at +31C, so no tragedy.

Friday, 26 June 2026
The night is not that chilly, no colder than +18C, afternoon high of "mere" +31C, which is relatively bearable vs. what lies ahead. Inside: between +22C and +24C, humidity 60%

Saturday, 27 June 2026
I return home from an open-air party around midnight. At that time temperature in Powsin on the verge of Las Kabacki stood at +21C, while at the same time in Ursynów it declined to only +24C. Urban heat island proven existent. The last night when pre-dawn temperature dropped below +19C. In the morning temperature shoots up to climb to awful +34.7C, nearing the June maximum temperature record of +35.3C set on 26 June 2019, which is bound to be broken tomorrow. A country-wide June maximum temperature record for Poland has been beaten. Weather station in Słubice reported +38.5C, vs. previous record of +38.3C set also on 26 June 2019 in Radzyń. Inside: between +20C (air humidity above 70%) and +25C (air humidity just below 60%, not nice).

Sentence to be pondered upon: "Our houses have been built for a climate which no longer exists." For decades the primary concern was how to keep the dwellings warm during the colder half of the year, while growing frequency, intensity and duration of heat waves necessitate also keeping dwellings cool when outside it's well above +30C.

Sunday, 28 June 2026
First tropical night this year, with low of +20.4C in Warsaw. In western Poland minimum temperatures measured do not drop below +25C. From early morning the temperature soars. At 9:00 it reaches +30C, at noon it climbs to +35.7C, setting a new short-lasting heat record for the capital of Poland. Late in the afternoon a country-wide record (+40.2C measured on 29 July 1921 in Prószków near Opole) is shattered. The weather station in Słubice officially reports a high of +40.5C. Warsaw's highest ever temperature of +37.0C measured on 8 August 2013 is rendered outdated with a new readout of ghastly +38.1C. Inside: between +25C (air humidity 60%) to +26C (air humidity 55%). Awful, but cool compared to the oven outdoors.

The sentence to be pondered upon (continued). Air conditioning is a quick fix, lets one function properly, but has its dispersed cost. Prevalent in the US, seldom installed in private dwellings in Europe. With the current electricity output from solar panels it can be powered with nearly green energy during the day. This is the theory. In recent days around midday no more than 60% of energy output in Poland came from PV, while in the evenings demand for energy in Poland was satisfied in over 80% from conventional units, i.e. burning fossil fuels. Bear in mind AC removes the effect, not the cause. Walls give off heat after the sunset and you need to run AC overnight too to keep a dwelling cool and unless the electricity comes from a battery storage charged up during the day, you need conventional energy to power the AC. Besides, AC blows out hot air outside a cooled off building, thus increasing temperature to its neighbours and intensifying the urban heat island effect. I believe primary investments in thermal modernisations should involve proper insulation and protection from heat, not to let it trespass into a building and use of AC to augment it, when construction measures (thick insulation on walls and roofs, triple-glazed windows, external blind rollers, trees giving shade, ripping off paved urban areas) are insufficient. My take on duplicity of architects has been laid out here and I uphold it. I believe a balanced take is presented here.

Monday, 29 June 2026
With a minimum temperature of +24.7C last night was the warmest ever in Warsaw. I slept with windows closed, opened them after waking up at 4:00 a.m., to lock up the flat at 6:30 a.m. and head for air-conditioned office. Outside around 7:00 a.m. it was already +27C. To my surprise, underground stations and trains have not been warmed up horridly, I would hazard a guess it was around +25C inside. At Rondo ONZ station, despite early hour, droves of people were rushing to offices to find corporate shelters from heat. I admit it felt nice to cut off the awful heat, with today's high of +36.0C. No storms nor heavy rain have haunted Warsaw. Inside: temperature slowly increases to +27C (humidity: 60%), no longer comfortable, not yet tragic. Today administration of the building I live in issued a permission to install external blind rollers in windows of my bedroom and kitchen, both facing north-eastern side. In previous years, they were unnecessary, as the south-western living room ones did their job well enough. During the current heatwave I could swelter at 6:00 a.m. in my bedroom.

On both 28 June and 29 June daily temperature in Warsaw averaged out +30.6C, beating the previous record of +29.3C set on 8 August 2015.

Tuesday, 30 June 2026
The third tropical night in row. With temperature reaching a low of +21C it brings a minimum relief and lets the dwelling cool down a bit. Around 6:00 a.m. a short shower comes over Warsaw. It gives some little respite to the dried-up soil and leaves the air humid. Afterwards the heat is less tolerable, despite lower absolute temperature (max. +32C). Temperature creeps up above +30C around 2:00 p.m. which looks luxuriously cold. Inside: between +24C (humidity: 70%) and +27C (humidity: almost 60%).

Wednesday, 1 July 2026
The fourth tropical night in row, with low of +21C. In the morning outside it feels much better than inside, where neighbours' walls heat up mine. The afternoon is sultry, with high of +32C and much vapour in the air. Late evening brings a thunderstorm which puts the period of intense heat to a long-awaited end. Chasing away the warmth accumulated in buildings will take a while. This is formally the last day of the heatwave, with tomorrow expected to fall overnight to +17C and climb to +27C in the afternoon. Next days are about to be cold (in July terms) and I keep fingers crossed for that forecast.

The heatwave formally lasted 7 days and was not as awful as 15 days in a row with maximum temperature above +28C in August 2015. Until early July we have had so far 9 days this year with day-time highs above +30C, vs. long-term average of 9.5 days per year (1991 – 2020 benchmark period) and maximum number of such days of 24 in a year (2015 and 2024).