Luksus kontra proste życie - book review

Luxury and simplicity are starkly contrasting lifestyle foundations, albeit some try to combine them.

Simplicity, depending on how to define it, might be a positive or a negative notion, while luxury, at least until recently, has brought out mostly positive associations.

A luxury's distinguishing marks are: limited supply, not being a part of everyday life, or being enjoyed by few chosen (elites). Whatever is experienced frequently, or by masses does not deserve to be called a luxury. For some reasons, luxury is what many people strive for. How they pursue it, depends on their social status.

The poor flaunt material goods, especially those eye-popping, the rich benefit from their wealth in silence. The poor buy small, visible stuff (electronics, clothes, footwear, used cars of premium makes), some of the rich take delight in comfort of life and not proving their wealth to anyone. The poor consume to show off, the rich accumulate, building a cushion for rainy days.

Shunning thoughtless consumption requires guts and strong will. It involves rising above pressure of consumption which surrounds us from all angles. Doing so requires self-confidence and self-esteem rooted in who you are, not what you possess.

The book praises DIY as a virtue, drawing on traditions of craftsmanship and resourcefulness. Doing (not only constructing, more often repairing) things on one's own best symbolises sprawczość (a concept best represented by English words such as: agency, self-efficacy, empowerment, though none of them fully grasps the purport).

The biggest trap of minimalism is not getting obsessed with self-discipline essential to cut down on lavish spending, but disdain towards those who have not taken the same path. Whenever I look down on drivers of oversized SUVs I catch myself having fallen into that trap. The author of the book, Mr Jakub Szczęsny has apparently also not resisted it. Besides, if minimalism becomes an ideology governing your life, you can go over the top with it and plunge into another extreme, making the life of your near and dear a misery.

The book is a manifesto of simple, yet comfortable and slow life. As the author points out, humans can draw happiness from giving up on chasing consumption. Life gets easier when pressure is released, yet I believe in order to reach that stage, one must attain a level of affluence sufficient not to worry about basic material needs and unpredictable situations in which financial resources would be a lifeboat. My post oddly coincides with a fellow blogger's musings, which overlap the notion of what a comfortable life is.

I usually recommend books I review here, but not this one. I see most things eye to eye with the author, but his scribble is tough to read, too lengthy, some chapters are a string of complaints and between the lines self-superiority comes up. Even though the ending makes up for mediocre middle chapters, my overall advice is to read it at your own risk.

Where am I heading?

Basically, especially looking from an onlooker's perspective at my life, things aren't going on wrong.

Health-wise, with the exception of the lumbar spine which I will have be careful with until the end of my days, with depression kept at bay, there is nothing more to worry. Should a mishap strike me, money is put aside to ensure superior medical care.

Work-wise, eight months into the path a few years ago I would shun, not only do I not regret it, but apparently I get ahead. My workmates, especially my team and my boss are glad they work with me. At times it is tough, at times I am sick of it, yet those moments don't change my overall positive perception.

My parents are getting older, with mum now 76, dad just turned 77. They carry on, yet their physical and mental fitness has been on decline over the last years. I face what almost everybody faces, maybe except for being totally alone with it. They are my only family, I have no bonds with other relatives and frankly speaking I don't feel like reviving them. Such is the reason why I fear their death.

My social life does exist, I can't complain about intensity of my social interactions (three times out in town over the last week), yet it is not as abundant as of single women who can boast of more robust social capital, built mostly on relationships with fellow females.

With respect to discontinued involvement in Szlachetna Paczka, my decision taken during the recent edition is upheld. I feel burnt out, too much has gone wrong and it would be too hard to make up for it. Moreover, with current work-related duties, the Paczka would be too time-consuming. My lookout for an alternative volunteering has not yet commenced. Maybe I'm putting it back to cool down.

Am I one of those, whose self-fulfilment hinges upon raising a family, primarily passing my genes to the next generation, or, as the malicious one would put into in words – leaving the offspring to this lousy, overcrowded planet?

Are my efforts to pursue the above doomed to fail? Dating-wise, I can't gripe about lack of interest from women (a problem several males of my age have) on dating apps (which is a far broader universe than offline world). Why doesn't it then develop into a relationship? After over a year I make out two repeatable scenarios: either a woman asks more questions to find out if I live up to her expectations and at that stage her letdown comes up (beneficial for everyone, wasted time spared) or we meet in person, often want to meet again or even do so, but it turns out she has no room in her life (in which she's tremendously busy) to fit getting to know a man better. Those women will most likely end up as happy singles.

Writing about interest, unpaid versions of popular dating apps show you some details of persons who swiped you right, including the age. From there I know more than two-third of women interested in me are aged 38 or more. Women in early 30s seeking a male a few years older are in minority. With such age profile of potential life companions, odds to become a father dwindle.

This might be the moment to ask myself a question whether it makes sense to pair up, but not have children. Such relationship would always contain the missing piece, an unsatisfied desire with a potential to blow up a relationship, even if both partners want offspring, but for reasons beyond their control can't have it.

I'm most fed up with going through the same scheme with every match, an experience of fatigue most dating app users are familiar with. The natural defence mechanism is taking breaks, to start over after a while. The in-person meetings are usually a nicely spent time, though getting me nowhere. They are just a form of temporal escape from a mundane reality.

In these lousy times like never before people seek outbursts of dopamine brought by travels, doing sports, fine dining, profligate consumption, seeking attention in social media, less frequently casual sex (I suspect some women have so many other sources of dopamine that they no longer need it). Travels and doing sport bring me joy, some other dopamine triggers don't work with me. Taking delight in pleasurable activities does give relief from the void, partly in the same way as intoxication gives short-term relief from the sorrow of being alive. I wish I can rise above it

Raising children and keeping them company, as they reach next stages of their lives moves a parent's life ahead. You wait for their first words, first day in nursery school, then next stages of education, doing things together, their first boyfriend or girlfriend, first job, then grandchildren. The very latter one becomes an unfulfilled dream of many contemporary folks in their 60s or 70s. Without offspring, life shapes like a circle. You may wait for a next trip to another continent or for another shot of dopamine, for the decease of your parents, you may live your siblings' children's life. Alternatively, you may fall in a self-development trap at which I look with disdain.

Upon talking to friends, then to AI (who does not ask philosophical questions to technology?) I have reached a conclusion I long for a sense of belonging, most easily found in romantic relationships and difficult to feel in a world spoilt by staring at smartphone screens.

Quite recently I got familiar with a concept devised by Paul Gilbert who posits humans exist within three circles: threat, drive and soothing. A proper balance between the three is critical for one's well-being. I swing between the two former, while in the latter circle I can find myself for short moments only, too short to restore a piece of mind, truly relax and calm down.

If my Guardian angel was to have their say about the above, what would they say?

Any room left for romantic love?

The timing of the post, i.e. one day after the commercial festival of celebrating romantic love which should be fostered every day, is haphazard. Also, it is not linked to the 17th anniversary of launching PES (dammit, this blog spans nearly my entire adult life and in four years, if I carry on, it will cover a half of my lifetime).

As I grow older, I also turn less romantic and more pragmatic. I would probably be unable to fall in love like a teenager, but circumstances permitting, the chemistry in my brain would do its job for a while, but I would put it down to mostly to sexual drive, not just to pure affection. As the fellow blogger posits, understand your biology, then rise above it.

Even if I don't stay at home and grab opportunities to meet new people, rules of statistics are against me. Even if I get to know 20 new people each week, which looks like a decent outcome, statistically half of them are men, most women are not in the age range of my lookout, those who are in their 30s might be in relationships, might not be physically attractive, might not find me attractive, might not be interested in raising a family. And so the next filters relentlessly narrow down the circle of potential life companions.

My generation is the first one not to feel the coercion to raise a family, which now looms as an option only for those who instinctually don't want our species to extinct. We are also witnessing a generation of independent women, cherishing equal rights, with the side effect of realising having a man by their side does not have to add value. Being in a relationship is viewed as beneficial if drawbacks of giving up on a woman's independence are offset with a surplus by what a man contributes to the relationship. Otherwise a male life companion is (for a growing fraction of women) a ball and chain. With the bar raised that high, a growing majority of men do not live up to women's expectations, some even give up on trying.

For many reasons, including the above, we observe a growing percentage of singletons in the society, many of whom have never been in a serious (involving making commitments or living under one roof) relationship, thus many lacking relationship-building competencies. Once you get used to living on your own and not minding anyone, letting in somebody to your life, changing habits, routines and plans involves some effort. This remark applies to me. In my life filled with work, volunteering, friends, helping parents, doing sports and other stuff, I also need to choose to make room to let somebody in.

Women and men are sadly at war today. The most common explanation, which is true, but not universal, is that women have moved ahead with their social advancement, while men have not caught up. In more complicated cases it turns out even those men who do not lag behind are insufficient, since they meet only 90% of women’s expectations are hence are not knights on white horses. Women are sick of bitter experiences inflicted by immature men, men are sick of women’s exorbitant requirements. Their picture of the conflict between females and males is grossly simplified. Besides, movements such as MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) are not fix. Taking umbrage with how the world has moved on and blaming women for their own backwardness and other intellectual hollow is an approach I will never embrace (mark my words).

Dom dobry - film review

I am quite fond of Wojciech Smarzowski’s films, to such extent that as a person not into a moving pictures, I reviewed four of his films here: Drogówka, Podmocnym aniołem, Wołyń and Kler.

Whenever Mr Smarzowski releases a new film, he touches upon a meaningful social problem and depicts it hitting exactly where it hurts. For many his films are too naturalistic and filthy. Many critics have claimed while shooting “Dom dobry” he had gone over the top with filth and cruelty, an approach I cannot hold with, since my sensitivity to filth and cruelty is probably below-average. Lots of people who have seen the film argue the actor who played the oppressor, Tomasz Schuchardt, I believe unknown to wider audience until now, was the least suitable for the role. When looking at him, I would argue he has a son-of-a-bitch apparition at first sight. In one of the pre-premiere interviews he revealed in had been impossible to identify with the character he had play, but someone must have done that job.

Domestic violence is a hidden problem not only in Poland. Dramas play out behind closed door in families which seem normal. Hundreds thousand of Poles, mostly women, are victims of oppressors who resort to physical, mental, economic and sexual misdeeds to bully their targets. I am immensely grateful to Mr Smarzowski for painting an accurate and merciless picture of the phenomenon.

The director must have done a lot of homework while delving on the topic before setting out to shoot the film. He shows a repeatable scheme which puts a victim into a vicious circle and then keeps it turning. It begins with upbringing in a defunct family, running away from it into the arms of at first charming tormentor who bombs their new partner with love and slowly manipulates them. Unacceptable behaviours slowly creep in and get more frequent among the good moments. Victims are usually treated like a boiled frog and refuse to try to break away from a toxic relationship for several reasons, including economic dependence, lack of family or friends to take comfort in or toxic relationship patterns learnt at home.

The premiere of the film coincided with an intense time in Szlachetna Paczka. This year I have come across a few women being hosts of Warszawski Ośrodek Interwencji Kryzysowej who have run away from their violent husbands or partners and are on their way to start over. Having listened to the stories of their lives I partly relived them in a cinema. It also occurred to me I owe them watching this film if I am to be an emphatic volunteer.

To spoil as little as possible, the film has two endings. One of them is a poignant reminder not every cloud has a silver lining and an oppressed human might overstep its boundaries to fight out freedom.

Decluttering

The post is inspired by a press article on the new profession in Poland (not only), which by all accounts is a response to growing demand for such services - to solve the chicken and egg dilemma.

In late 2023, when my girlfriend was moving in to my place, I had to rationalise the content of my flat. I rearranged the space, got rid of some stuff, bought boxes and racks to fit the remaining items into smaller space. Recently, after her flat has been sublet, the second stage of the process came up and some or our stuff had to end up in my basement, assorted into cardboard boxes.

The exercise prompted me to rethink if I really need the things I possess, especially how often I use them. I am a minimalist and I think twice before purchasing an item, hence the room for improvement was limited.

Now a quick guide what to do with stuff useless for you. Get rid of it by:
1. Selling it for a tiny fraction of a new item's market value (a buyer will also benefit it), or
2. Donating it (at best via śmieciarka facebook groups, eschew the OLX oddam za darmo classifieds) or to an organisation which collect specific sort of stuff, or
3. Just throw away, ensuring it will be recycled.

If you don't feel up to the above or have no idea how to get about it, professionals dealing with decluttering are there to step in. As these experts claim, people get too attached to their belongings, usually acquired on the spur of the moment. Useless stuff is frequently bought to relieve sadness or spontaneously, because one spotted an item which took their fancy. Frequently humans believe having something at hand will prompt them to use it, but time proves them wrong. According to statistics, young mothers are the group in most need of decluttering, however theories why hoard stuff vary. The most commonplace one is that given their overload with duties and scarcity of time, they are most prone to impulse shopping.

Experts in decluttering warn what I have done, i.e. sorting stuff, packing them into boxes or organisers, does not solve the problem. It definitely facilitates finding an item somebody is looking for, but the excess stuff still occupies space in their place. Beware then!

The last valid remark is you need to want to get decluttered. Buying decluttering services as a gift to somebody whose place is cluttered is a waste of money. A person afflicted should really want to tackle the problem of superfluous belongings and take the primary responsibility in solving it. A professional will only wisely assist in it, hence at the end I would dare to doubt if rates with lower range of PLN 200 per hour of such assistance are worth that much.

Off to the seaside next weekend. A follow-up in two weeks.