Troublesome mating

Having shaken off a heartache, one usually begins to look out for opportunities to start over a new relationship. For posterity and for myself – a wry record of my endeavours over the past year. If there’s no use crying over spilt milk, I can at least indulge in recalling those hapless stories from their hilarious side… If you don’t fancy reading somebody washing their dirty linen in public, just click away.

This time names won’t be made up to withhold the real identity of persons involved. The cast are: six women nicknamed Gx, where x = 1, 2, …, 6, G stands for ‘Girl’, B (stands for my name) – me.

G1 probably was still alone because of her stringent requirements towards potential partner, or just maybe because she’d hold her head up high. To give you the flavour of it, just a short snippet of our conversation.

G1: I don’t know if you realise, but I’m a member of MENSA.

B: (concealing my bewilderment, as I heard the most above-average intelligent people associated in that organisation hardly ever boast about their membership and generally are modest) I’m impressed…

A few minutes later I mentioned in the conversation Wisława Szymborska (Polish Noble Prize in literature laureate)

G1: Excuse me, who?

B: Wisława Szymborska, you know, she got the Noble in literature in 1996

G1: Never heard of…

B: “Nothing happens twice”, “Calling Yeti” (…), rings a bell to you?

G1: Errr, no…

Exit strategy: make a getaway and then avoid like a plague!

Regular readers of PES already are familiar with the story of G2, named for them ‘Natalia’

B: After not seeing you for more than two years, I could have found you being with someone else and did consider this when trying to find you, but when we met, you told me that…

G2: I remember, when you asked how I was doing, my reply started with a declaration “I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have a fiancé, I’m not married”…

B: So actually you have somebody…?

G2: Well, formally we are not together… This is… a cupboard love

B: (the whole situation seemed kind of funny to me) It sounds serious.

G2: It’s a very serious feeling towards an older, mature man.

B: (I could barely help my jaw dropping open, but responded in a serious manner) Maybe it would be worthwhile to do something about it?

G2 just pulled a face and flushed…

I haven’t seen her ever after despite working in neighbouring building. None of our common friends could not tell me how she was doing, no one has heard anything from her. PES Commentator Basia claimed I could have done her an incredible favour; I doubt it – even if my emergence served as an eye-opener, she closed her eyes as soon as I made off.

The date with G3 was actually quite nice and promising until the moment I drove her home and we were about to farewell…

G3: May I ask you a question?

B: Sure, go ahead.

G3: Is it your car?

B: Why are you asking?

G3: You know, some boys tend to impress girls with not their cars…

B: (baffled) You’ve got me there, this one is stolen!

G3: You know, it’s not what I meant. Can you… show the registration certificate?

B: I took the car’s documents out of pocket and showed her (I know I should have refused, but at that stage I wanted to bring this situation to an ultimate end)

G3: It’s yours, not your father’s. So when do we meet next time?

B: Never. Because I don’t go out with blachary (blachara is a Polish word for a girl who falls for boys who have cars, don’t know if there’s any English equivalent…)

Comment: Had I possessed a barn-tuned Volkswagen Golf III with darkened rear windows, alloy rims and sizeable spoilers, the date could have had its final on the back seat of my car. Unfortunately my immaculate Renault doesn’t work on women like this…

I had to make some efforts and prove some patience to ask G4 out, but my determination was rewarded. Actually this was not an awful experience, it was in a way… uncanny…

She told me about her parents divorce, how her father treated her mother, her siblings and her since the time their family began to break up, how her brother escaped it by getting hitched to a girl from a rich family, how her sister quit studies two times. She confessed:

G4: I’ve never loved anybody and I don’t think I ever will, it’s just what I’m like – I don’t care, I don’t get attached, that’s how I function, people have to accept or not – their choice.

Then she also described me how her boss was harassing her…

Despite the whole burden she had thrown at me and despite her ‘emotional instability’ (something that attracts me in women) I claim this one relationship had a chance to work out. Months after that meeting I still regret being too open about my intentions. Had I held my horses, I could have hit it off with her and slowly tame her.

G5 was also a good example of a resistant girl. For a long time she remained totally indifferent to me showing interest in us getting to know each other better. Once we accidentally met in town. I was returning from work after doing vast overtime, it was getting late, so I offered her a lift.

B: Maybe I could drive you home…

G5: (perplexed and feeling like vanishing into the air) Maybe better not!

B: (decided to find out whether it was because she had a boyfriend or for some other reasons that she turned down each my proposal) Is your boyfriend so jealous, that he would damage my car and throttle me? (was meant to be a joke)

G5: Eeerrr… Yes… He’s very aggressive…

B: (stumped) So I’ll better hold back and go home… alone… it’s late… bye…

This short dialogue until now seems absurd and no matter if that was true, or just a lame excuse, the message is clear – keep away from such women. Case similar to G2 – the mystery to be never unravelled and even if it was, what the benefit for me would be?

G6 deserves a slight introduction. We first met in 2008 on a language course, then accidentally met during exam in April 2009 and a few weeks ago ran across each other in a tram. I sensed an opportunity cropping up, I put forward we met, she agreed…

I’m not reticent, but I somehow kind of like meetings when I don’t have to speak much. This was one of them. Before we got to a restaurant I listened to the story of her struggle in the run-up to her legal counsel exams that plunged her into neurosis and which medicines her psychiatrist prescribed her and how she reacted to them. In the restaurant the actual rough ride set on…

G6: Yes, you remembered well I don’t use Internet often, but this doesn’t mean I’m unfamiliar with technology (she pulls from her handbag some Apple-made device and shows off her smartphone – both devices keep her online all the time) – I change them every year to have always state-of-the-art electronics by my side. Actually they don’t endure more than a year, my previous iPhone’s mainboard gave up the ghost after a year and I lost all the files I had stored on it…

B: (decided to pick up the gauntlet and play this game, so took my Nokia handset bought in early 2008 from my pocket) I prefer to stay offline, I simply don’t need gadgets. This one offers me as much as I need and for almost six years has never let me down.

G6: But aren’t you ashamed of using it in public. I would be…

This was when the show was hotting up

G6: I like big cars. I feel safe and mighty behind the wheel. Recently my dad leased a Mitsubishi Outlander for me. I adore this car.

B: This is an SUV, right? finally met a woman aged less than 35 who can be seen in such petrol-guzzling hideous vehicle) Well, I somehow don’t need big stuff, they simply don’t impress me. My 10-year-old Megane serves me very well

G6: Aren’t you afraid of driving such old car?

B: Of course not, it’s as reliable as my phone (indeed, today engine cranked up briskly after 10 days of sitting idle)

Then came the part in which she laid out her opinions in fundamental matters…

G6: A man should be resourceful. He should have at least two full-time jobs and moonlight in order to have money to indulge his woman’s needs.

Then she made my hackles rise…

G6: This is awful when people bring packed lunch to the office instead of going out to eat… If they earn money, what can be the reason for them to deny themselves pleasure of eating out?

B: But don’t you realise most of them may have budget constraints or prefer to spend money on other things or have loans to pay off? Many of my colleagues spend a lot of money investing in their children and therefore they relinquish eating out…

G6: And this why I will never have children. These are sponger. If I had a child I would have to spend money on it and spent time looking after it. And as a child-free woman I can spend money for satisfying my needs and take care of my own matters…

I must have been totally bemused, if I didn’t feel like shouting in her face: “you vacuous cunt”…

I haven’t even bothered to send her a brief text message to thank for the evening…

For the two days following the nightmarish date I felt a bit off-colour, broke sweat after small physical efforts and shivered. Fever ensued on the third day before dawn. At first I thought I’d caught a cold (weather and heating conditions in my office and public transport were conducive to it), but soon I realised instead of sore throat I was nagged by aching stomach. As the disease developed, it turned out to be regular food poisoning (details left out, nothing pleasant) – first in my life since early childhood and quite severe.

I wonder whether the obnoxious tribulations I’ve gone through recently were just a coincidence, an aftermath of G6’s bad taste (after roaming around town for almost an hour and griping about menu contents in several restaurants) or a sign (maybe the Guardian Angel is vigilant and had his fingers in it) from the fate. That date was a katharsis – I felt like swimming in a pond of shit, keeping my head above water, breathing in fragrant air and knowing no one has enough power to push my head down. It made me finally realise going out with somebody just for the sake of mere going out makes no sense. It’s sometimes better to be left out in the cold if the house is on fire…

The recent date probably was also meant to serve as a cure for my fondness of older women (all six women were older than me, with age difference spanning from a few weeks to seven years). I stared at G6’s face – instead of sincere grin I saw a frown, instead of joy I saw displeasure, instead of youthful energy I saw jadedness. I saw a grumpy, elderly materialist who didn’t need a man as a human, but craved for his money. Never before have I found a company of a woman so off-putting that I prayed we parted as soon as possible and if I could I would probably run away as fast as legs could carry. I even thought about finding an excuse, writing an SMS under the table with a request for an urgent call, but gave up on those ideas, decided to stay tough and stick it out…

Now if this was indeed a turning point, then comes a question where to look for a younger girl if in my natural social groups are work and the same since years circle of friends? For the former the hope lies in staff turnover, yet beware… For the latter, if there was meant to be an opportunity, it would have long been seized or missed. Should I take second studies, sign up for language course / dancing course, enrol in an organisation? Makes a point, if I wanted squeezing extra activity into my weekly timetable, but… signing up can do the job if the real goal is to learn something new, or engage in new activity, not to meet a girl – if not, the whole idea can turn into a huge cock-up… My Soulmate told me there are surely plenty of girls that would fit me well, but I have no chance to meet them, despite quite probably passing them by every day – they follow the same daily routine I do – move between home and work, in free time help at home or meet the same group of friends. But because it takes two to tango, even if I break away from the circle, odds of meeting them are low.

Regarding back the former – I used to avow I would refrain from any ambiguous relationships at work. With time I’ve given it second thoughts and slightly changed my mind. What really should be avoided are relationships with women from your team and all other you work directly with, have frequent professional interactions with or if your job responsibilities overlap. If your positions are, however, functionally and physically separated, no one should view it as a problem. Such proximity makes it even easier to foster a relationship (how convenient to pop out for a lunch together or to meet after work).

Some time ago it occurred to me some opportunities stand no chance of being even missed. Some time ago I met a girl. Until then I had been unable to define what the “ideal woman” or “a girl of my kind” would be like. When I met her (none of the G1 – G6 described above) I realised she was such one. But when we first mean, it was all said and done, or rather the know was tied. She got married last year, a year before we met. I didn’t even dare to make any step, even held off on trying to get to know her better, just to ward off any temptation. No chance to light a single spark in the dark…

All adventures with those girls also had one common denominator – they all lacked spontaneity, something which in the past made it work smoothly, naturally. Back in middle, then high school or at the university, I had a chance to meet many girls, spend more time with time in different situations and then could find out whether I liked any of them more and if I wanted to make a step to get to know her better and ask her out. Today, when I often have to fight for opportunity to meet, I need to ask a woman out to find out whether I want to get to know her better… Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t seem to understand it. I know, this is a part of mating rituals, but if you ask somebody out, you make an effort to show that you care. And the whole absurdity for me is that I don’t know if I care, so the whole fuss seems incongruous to me…

The upside of all those miserable attempts is that none of them has got me so far to spark any emotional commitment. Sometimes I felt relief it didn’t work out (G1, G3, G6), sometimes it’d hurt a bit (G2, G4, G5) – as no one likes being turned away, but getting over it was a matter of days rather than weeks.

From time to time my colleague (30+ married woman, has no children and not the Soulmate) and I pop out for a cigarette. Actually she smokes, I take up the role of a passive smoker and we chat, not only about work. One day I asked her why she got married. Her response was straightforward and disarming: “I was about to turn 30, he showed he cared, had a job, had no addictions, was kind of handsome and just like me liked dogs, there was no use in waiting for a knight from a fairy tale”.

So what’s the reason for me to get married?

To have somebody to cook dinners for me, wash my socks, vacuum-clean carpets and iron my shirts? No, I can do it myself, or hire a servant!

To meet the most elementary needs a male has? This problem might be solved by frequent trips to escort agency or picking up girls in some clubs – I hope to never stoop so low!

To have somebody to support me? For all those years I learnt to cope with all difficulties on my own, I’m used to not sharing problems as they appear with other people.

The only reasonable motive is to have a company in life – and then everything changes…

My Soulmate also told me with age I’ll become more demanding and will find it harder to accept a woman with all her habits, shortcomings and peculiarities. In fact, at that stage I can’t pick and choose, as many valuable women are already either married or in long-lasting relationships. It’s just like in a free-market economy where rational consumers compete with one another to pick out more valuable goods before others snatch them for themselves – so leftovers are not the most desired ones. There is an option to wait until one of such relationships breaks up and step in, but one needs to have it in mind, this would be a relationship with a person burnt and bruised after a bitter experience of broken-up relationship…

Relationship is an art of compromise, but not all concessions can be made and in some matters I see no room for compromise. I can’t imagine a relationship with a woman who has totally different priorities in life, or has different hierarchy of values. Surely, I could try, but having seen many such relationships from the stage of fascination evolving into disillusionment and bitter end, I treat such opportunities as waste of time which additionally increases probability I miss the right opportunity… Which I hope lies still ahead.