The flat purchase was a good decision, a move I should not have put back,
but at that very time was a very convenient hideout and time-filler (not
necessarily a soul-healer) to drown out my sorrows and regrets.
More than two months after, I still consider my decision to be the best
possible (and based on what I know how my ex-gf is doing, time has proven me
right), but the heartache refuses to let up. For some reason I have recently
recalled mostly the good moments, though the worse ones prevailed in the last
weeks of the relationship. Funny how human psyche can play tricks and alter the
memory of the past.
As I have definitely not gotten over the break-up, I cannot consider myself
ready for a new beginning. It’s not just about “working through” the mistakes
of the past and giving myself a rest, it is not about general lack of time I
will be plagued by in the coming weeks.
I need to focus on myself, my needs, on what brings me joy and simply do my
bit to chase happiness. Do my bit, without seeking company as pre-condition for
having good time. And get to grips with my propensity to give and to look after
somebody overly.
I have brought back the days after the break-up when I still prepared
packed lunch for my ex-gf, ironed her clothes and actually acted as if nothing
had happened and with hindsight I have realized how pathological it had been.
Now I miss taking care of somebody, inordinately miss it.
Besides, a life companion must not be a person who fills in the emptiness that
these days blows me over from inside. Before I reach out for a woman, I must
fill the empty space in my soul on my own.
My observations from several occasions to mingle with people do not fill
with optimism. In the era when smartphone is the main device facilitating
communication (without which talks is hardly imaginable to many younger
people), openness of humans around leaves a lot to be desired. I have no idea
why so many singles of my age are so selfish, prefer to hide inside their
shells rather than making the effort to open themselves to fellow human beings.
After many years spent single, such a move is a step out of the comfort zone,
however it needs to be taken to change a lonely life. Fear of a change is what
keeps people in bad relationships, but also keeps people single. As you decide
to get involved with somebody, the fair balance between staying yourself and
sticking to your fundamental values and combating the habits developed over
years of being single is an art. Realising and pursuing this is, I suppose,
crucial to foster a rewarding relationship.
As an anecdote – my friend suggested I install Tinder in my smartphone and
try going out with women matched there. My first reaction was that I would not
use an application used by seeking a specific form of fun ;-), but heard more
and more people use it as regular dating application or to find company. With
quite little to lose, maybe this option is worth considering.
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