A month and a day after the break-up… I don’t regret and though there
moments when I feel lonely, hopes for bright future lift me up, while the
dead-end relationship kept bringing me down. As the dust has settled and that
stage is over, time to share some (blindingly obvious) notions.
Early weeks of the relationship ought to be ideal, butterflies should fly
around your stomach, you should be heads over heels in love. If doubts creep in
so early, it does not bode well. In other words failure of such relationship is
just a matter of time and the sooner it comes about, the better for both
parties involved.
The general tenet in any relationship is to accept your partner they way
they are, with all their shortcomings. Love is unconditional, so you cannot
state: “Yes, but…” and list conditions under which you will embrace your second
half. It is a “shape up or ship out” situation. A piece of advice from me: try
to balance good and bad traits of your partner; if the former outweigh the
latter, go for it.
The feeling
of comfort is absolutely essential in the relationship. You must feel at ease
when your partner is around and if for any reason it does not come naturally,
this is a serious signal the future of the relationship ought to be thought
over.
A sustainable
relationship rests on a healthy balance between giving and taking. If the
balance is not struck for prolonged period of time on a level of relationship
as a whole, the party which gives more than gets is bound to grow frustrated
and put their misery to an end.
Never try to act not like yourself to live up to your partner’s
expectations. No matter how hard you try, you will sooner of later run out of
energy to pretend to be a better version of yourself. Bending over backwards will
turn your relationship sour.
Living
under one roof is one of two biggest test a relationship is put to (the other
is birth of a child). The time when your find yourself in a daily routine, down-to-earth
stuff needs to be handled and not only good moments are shared is also usually
a time when get to know your partner better… Around such time people tend to cease
to make efforts to attract your partner, care less, foster the relationship
less…
Foundations
of a relationship should be built on similarities, while differences tear the relationship
apart. Common ground and similar approach to life increase the probability the
relationships get ahead. Differences come in useful if thanks to them partners
complement each other, but in terms of “approach to life”, differences do more
harm than good.
Out of
guilty conscience, because you feel sorry for them, out of fear of loneliness
and not finding a better partner and several other… are not reasons to be with
somebody. Unless you have children, which complicates things a bit or a lot, if
not love keeps you together, time to consider whether to quit… And even you wonder
frequently “should I stay or should I go”, the answer is already clear – quit!
In spite of
the above, the very decision to break up must not be taken in a rush and ought
to be well-thought-out. And before a relationship is terminated, mature partners
should attempt to fix it (there are exception to this consideration, such as lie,
infidelity, etc.). Plus such decision, when taken and communicated to the
partner, is irrevocable!
If you
decide to live together, the splitting up is not just a matter of a few words and
saying “bye”. In many circumstances you just cannot cut yourself off, which
might sound as the best option. We lived in one flat for over two weeks after
the break-up. With hindsight, though I was reproached by some people for not
packing my suitcases and returning to parents’ house immediately, I believe it
was the right course of things. Had I been able to cut it off, I probably would
have still wondered whether the decision had been good. But after seeing my
ex-girlfriend what she was like for a while, my conviction of making a right
move on 18 July 2018 has been strengthened.
Looks like
I have broken away, but based on my friends’ and mine observations, I am in the
minority of people who have had courage to quit. My recently devised concept,
backed by suggestions of other persons is that once you decide to break up to fall
off the edge of a slow descent and plunge yourself into the realm of unknown,
uncertainty. Inevitably you will find yourself in the doldrums far worse than if
stuck in a bad relationship, but to sacrifice today to trade it for a chance
you a far better future.
This is illustrated on the chart to the right (copyrights: Student
SGH): the red line represents lasting in a dead-end relationship, the green
one, breaking up. Short-term effects look tragic, but in the longer run the
braver ones win!
And for the
record – I regret nothing what has happened between early 2017 when it started
and today and no matter what I have lost, I am better off anyway.
My thanks again to Marcin, Ola, Martyna, Patrycja, Krzysiek, some of my workmates and my parents for keeping me company through that difficult time.
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