Well, not actually. I'm moving ahead, as this is a part of my nature. I soldier on, against all odds and numerous headwinds I seem to be facing.
The world we are living in does not fill with hope. The biggest empire of the old world is ruled by a lunatic. His doubtful crackdown on lousy regimes does not fill one with compassion for dictators in Venezuela or Iran, but will bring little improvement for inhabitants of those countries. The orange bastard has still too much patience for the tsar. Despite allegedly good relationships with the tsar, the US ruler has not convinced him to agree on a ceasefire under conditions reflecting the pre-invasion order. The most dreadful is the vision of the orange dumbhead warranting to conquer Greenland, triggering an immediate NATO disintegration, a scenario desired most by Kremlin. Reassuringly, the system of checks and balances in the USA works well and hence the orange guy will be effectively held back.
Russia keeps bombarding Ukraine and the vision of peace is distant. I feel awfully sorry for the Ukrainian people (especially now, as they are coping with harsh frost below –20C), but on the other hand I realise while waging a war, Russia gets weaker, while a period of peace would let the tsar's country set itself up for a war against Western Europe.
In Poland I shun the online world, as my jaw drops open at the crass stupidity of those who bloat there the most. AI has made it even worse and the least clever part of society put credence in all deepfake content they come across. The two right-wing anti-EU parties have a total support of roughly 25% in the current polls, while the democratic coalition, standing for values of the civilised world, enjoys a total support above 40%. Not a bad outcome, given how it was envisaged to fall apart in the wake of the lost presidential election and in the world drifting right.
Family-wise, my parents are getting older, a phenomenon inevitable, expected and irreversible. Their health is around the average for their age, they still basically get on with daily life on their own, mostly thanks to my father's stamina (albeit his underlying diseases are a ticking bomb). Observing their mental aging gets me down most. They no longer have a can-do attitude and perceive matters which just have to be handled as problems. Watching them sliding slowly towards senility fills me with more pessimism than coming to terms with them being less physically fit and the realisation the moments they pass away are not in a distant future.
Work-wise, I think I'm getting ahead in the new role, but ask myself what it is for. If I don't raise a family and spending money does not give me particular joy, what is the point in earning more money? I will accumulate savings, hoping one day they will come in handy, but with little conviction there is a justification for chasing higher wages.
Health-wise I realise I have reached the age range when my conduct (nutrition, physical exercise, lifestyle, hours of doing sport per week) determines my health when I grow older. So far the spine is the only long-lasting predicament and I need to take preventive steps to keep it in reasonably condition, but I keep in mind what my orthopaedist once told me, namely it is not a questions whether my ailment recurs, but when and how badly it hits me.
My involvement in charity has worn me down. If downsides prevail over upsides, one needs to think over whether, regardless of benefits for the disadvantaged, such energy drain makes sense. As of now, I have not resolved whether to carry on with the Paczka next year, but with each next day I tilt towards giving up on it.
Relationship-wise, my attitude of being deprived of hope and belief that regardless of my efforts, mating attempts will get me nowhere, is disturbing. I may try to elaborate on this in some time, but my observations of single women in their 30s approach to romantic relationships can be summarised with one question reflecting their mindsets: “why do I need a man at all?” Full stop. Maybe with time and new chapter in online dating opened my I will change my mind. Whatever the fate brings, right-on is the approach to do my bit, as only interesting people are (sexually) attractive.
2026 will be a year of looking for a meaning in life. At some stage, humans choose among different ways of drowning out the feeling of emptiness. Until recently the most popular one was raising a family which consumed money and time, took away a lot of free time and set long-term milestones humans aimed at. With lifestyle shift in place, pursuit of hobbies, travelling, doing sports, indulging in pleasures and many other ways of increasing one’s dopamine levels have grown in popularity, but they still have a common denominator – they let forget about the overwhelming existential hollow.
Is my mindset depicted above as sign of relapsing depression? I hazard a guess it does not qualify as a mental disorder. It is a natural reaction to a chain of mostly bitter experiences which have come down on me in recent months. As an intelligent human being, I emotionally respond to them. My drive and self-esteem are in order and I retain the ability to cherish joyful moments, despite being overcome by long-term dejection. No need to take medications to get to grips with it. Time will either heal it or bring what I need to reconcile with I have no impact on.
Roll on spring! Warmth and longer days will do their bit in lifting me up.
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