On the edge

Can I recall why I have leapt into it? There was a desire, a pure lust, same one which makes men fight, steal or lie. And apart from the desire there was an opportunity. First, since many years, the one I needed to seize, had I not done it, I would not have forgiven myself missing out on it. And finally outcome of a plain calculation tipped the scales in favour of her – had I turned her away, I would have hurt her certainly, had I given it a chance, there would have been just a chance I would hurt her. The chance which is about to materialise…

Why have I been putting in so much work in it? If something has not been right, firstly I have been wondering whether something has not been wrong with me. Over years spent being single I had developed habits which could have made building a relationship difficult. I have realised it and fought it. Besides, I have seen my work on this relationship and on her bearing fruits, it has not been like banging my head against a brick wall. Slowly, we have been moving on, though my hopes at the beginning had been frail…

With hindsight, that has been too much work put in, given we have been past our first half-year period and usually this is when honeymoon is not yet over. Every time I wanted to give up, I kept telling myself breaking up because something went wrong was a sign of cowardice. When something breaks down in a relationship, if people care for each other, they firstly attempt to mend it; when it goes to no avail and they run out of energy, determination and love, break-up comes up in sight.

Too frequently something has been out of right. I am sick and tired of looking for a human being in you, though many times you have proved inside your shell you are a genuinely good human being, only breaking through the shell costs me so much effort. I am sick of searching in you traits I see in almost all other women. I have had enough of seeking the comfort, safety and acceptance, seeking what I should simply feel.

Even when things go wrong, two people have much in common that keeps them together: children, common dwelling, liabilities. In such respect, there is nothing to unwind what could keep us together. We stay together as long as feelings inside us burn. Keeping this going just for the sake of continuity makes little (or just no) sense.

Breaking up is just one of scenarios in this game, if attempts to fix it go in vain. Apart from sadness, loneliness and emptiness, the end might bring relief. Recently, while recalling the last months, I compared the intensity of stress and joy brought out by this relationship and sadly more often it frayed my nerves than lifted my spirits.

Whatever next days or weeks bring, it is still too early to lay down weapons. If too much goes wrong, maybe keeping it going senselessly is a sign of cowardice, rather than having courage to terminate a relationship before it gets too deep?