Girl 1, Ewa
(names not changed), aged 31
We started texting
on Tuesday, 11 February. The Tinder conversation went on smoothly, then we
switched to Messenger and met in a cafeteria in Galeria Mokotów on Sunday, 16
February, evening. Except for the greeting part, when Ewa offered to pay for us
both, underlining she was “a strong and independent woman” and I had to convince
her I would pay as the one who had asked her out, the date was quite successful,
without a moment of silence (which is the worst that can happen during first
date). We were forced to farewell by the café staff as the closing time had
come. Ewa promised to ask me out, yet after two or three days she ceased to
write voluntarily and her replies to my messages were more and more succinct.
The conversation died out naturally, or in other words Ewa vanished like a
ghost. No regrets, as Ewa, as a workaholic and clinging excessively on to her
independence, would not have been a perfect match.
On 21 February
I removed my first Tinder profile and set up a revamped one. Having
familiarised with how the application worked, I decided to start over and boost
my chances to pair up.
Girl 2,
Justyna, aged 34
We started
texting on Friday, 28 February and met in town on Tuesday, 3 March. She turned
out to be a nice, quite shy, yet crazy girl, though in terms of physical attractiveness
not fitting my taste. During our meeting she confessed she was still getting
over a break-up with her ex-boyfriend and actually told me the (pitiful) story
of their relationship. As a matter of principle, some time ago I had resolved
to cease to serve as a shoulder to cry on for heartbroken women and I stick to
it. We texted for a while and in late March we officially wrote the final “goodbyes”
to each other. Lost without regret.
Girl 3,
Joanna, aged 29
We started
texting on Tuesday, 10 March. Circumstances were not favourable to meet in
person, yet Joanna, a psychiatrist working at Sz**tal Bró****ski adjudicated it
would be safe to go for a walk. We met in late afternoon on Sunday, 15 March,
as first lockdown measures were already in place. I chose ul. Płatnicza at Stare Bielany as a venue.
We had a nice, nearly two-hour walk, however I believe she was somewhat disillusioned
upon confronting how she had imagined me with the reality. After the meeting
the exchange of messages got less intense, finally three days later she apologised
for not being in touch and to get back once things shape up. I realised this
was a lie, yet I am not sure whether it was about me or about the COVID-19
related mess at her workplace (my friend’s father works there, so I know this
could have been the reason).
Girl 4,
Ola, aged 29
I was about
to give up on Tinder, but during a tedious teleconference with a client on
Friday 20 March, out of pure boredom I began swiping profiles. She became my
match two days later and just out of good manner I decided to start a conversation.
Ola had returned from abroad on 16 March and was staying at home for 2 weeks as
part of obligatory quarantine. This meant we had to wait to meet until Tuesday,
31 March, on the last day when walks in the groups of two were permitted. The
two-hour walk ended in her flat which I left… around midnight. We then met
three times more before Easter, then she travelled to her family home for Easter,
with intention to stay there for a while and… signalled she was not interested
in continuing the relationship. Given in many respects she was not a perfect
match, little regret again. I feel guilty. I had decided to go out (or rather
stay in) with her for two reasons – I felt lonely during the lockdown and my
hormones were (and still are) buzzing. We got physical far too quickly and this
was a mistake. I initiated everything, she was passively giving in, lacking
assertiveness to tell me to back down if she felt uncomfortably. Besides,
during texting before meeting in reality she told she did not want a boy intent
on developing just the physical aspect of the relationship, so I must have let
her down, or she could have felt deceived.
What I have
learnt about myself or rather what has been confirmed?
1. I am not
cut out for online communication. I cannot waste more than a few days texting
before meeting up. I totally do not understand how people can exchange messages
for weeks before they see each other.
2. I need
to hold on to something, i.e. I need to feel the commitment of a girl,
otherwise I clam up and let go.
3. Statistically,
most girls I could meet are not perfect matches, this is absolutely normal, yet
the form of rejection matter. I have no problem communicating to a girl there
is no future for us and have no problem getting such message. But I do have
problem with ghosting, which is the cruellest and most painful form of
rejection.
4. When texting
with a girl, I did not build an image of her in my mind. While setting off to
meet, I would rather get to know her nearly from scratch. On the girls’ side, I
feel my Tinder profile was creating a better impression of me than I did myself
in reality.
Having
dated four women over the last two months I need now a break to bring myself
into order. After the last experience, I am in process of convincing myself I
am not a rapist and should not feel overly guilty of the fast progress of
getting to know Ola very well. Next, I will need to convince myself not every
woman will hurt or deceive me and that some women might have some courage and
will not vanish into the air.
Had it not
been for the pandemic, I would probably set up a new profile on Tinder, though
it would be more advisable to take my time and cool off. Coping with the past is
under way, yet prospects of future are disheartening. With stringent lockdown
measures in place, social life has to be put on hold for indefinite time. No
days to count down, no chance to meet somebody in the real world, while just
living it up. Except for longing for direct contact with other humans, I am reasonably
doing well in the lockdown. Maybe if the epidemic eases and restrictions are
lifted, some forms of real-world dating will become possible again.
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