Where am I heading?

Basically, especially looking from an onlooker's perspective at my life, things aren't going on wrong.

Health-wise, with the exception of the lumbar spine which I will have be careful with until the end of my days, with depression kept at bay, there is nothing more to worry. Should a mishap strike me, money is put aside to ensure superior medical care.

Work-wise, eight months into the path a few years ago I would shun, not only do I not regret it, but apparently I get ahead. My workmates, especially my team and my boss are glad they work with me. At times it is tough, at times I am sick of it, yet those moments don't change my overall positive perception.

My parents are getting older, with mum now 76, dad just turned 77. They carry on, yet their physical and mental fitness has been on decline over the last years. I face what almost everybody faces, maybe except for being totally alone with it. They are my only family, I have no bonds with other relatives and frankly speaking I don't feel like reviving them. Such is the reason why I fear their death.

My social life does exist, I can't complain about intensity of my social interactions (three times out in town over the last week), yet it is not as abundant as of single women who can boast of more robust social capital, built mostly on relationships with fellow females.

With respect to discontinued involvement in Szlachetna Paczka, my decision taken during the recent edition is upheld. I feel burnt out, too much has gone wrong and it would be too hard to make up for it. Moreover, with current work-related duties, the Paczka would be too time-consuming. My lookout for an alternative volunteering has not yet commenced. Maybe I'm putting it back to cool down.

Am I one of those, whose self-fulfilment hinges upon raising a family, primarily passing my genes to the next generation, or, as the malicious one would put into in words – leaving the offspring to this lousy, overcrowded planet?

Are my efforts to pursue the above doomed to fail? Dating-wise, I can't gripe about lack of interest from women (a problem several males of my age have) on dating apps (which is a far broader universe than offline world). Why doesn't it then develop into a relationship? After over a year I make out two repeatable scenarios: either a woman asks more questions to find out if I live up to her expectations and at that stage her letdown comes up (beneficial for everyone, wasted time spared) or we meet in person, often want to meet again or even do so, but it turns out she has no room in her life (in which she's tremendously busy) to fit getting to know a man better. Those women will most likely end up as happy singles.

Writing about interest, unpaid versions of popular dating apps show you some details of persons who swiped you right, including the age. From there I know more than two-third of women interested in me are aged 38 or more. Women in early 30s seeking a male a few years older are in minority. With such age profile of potential life companions, odds to become a father dwindle.

This might be the moment to ask myself a question whether it makes sense to pair up, but not have children. Such relationship would always contain the missing piece, an unsatisfied desire with a potential to blow up a relationship, even if both partners want offspring, but for reasons beyond their control can't have it.

I'm most fed up with going through the same scheme with every match, an experience of fatigue most dating app users are familiar with. The natural defence mechanism is taking breaks, to start over after a while. The in-person meetings are usually a nicely spent time, though getting me nowhere. They are just a form of temporal escape from a mundane reality.

In these lousy times like never before people seek outbursts of dopamine brought by travels, doing sports, fine dining, profligate consumption, seeking attention in social media, less frequently casual sex (I suspect some women have so many other sources of dopamine that they no longer need it). Travels and doing sport bring me joy, some other dopamine triggers don't work with me. Taking delight in pleasurable activities does give relief from the void, partly in the same way as intoxication gives short-term relief from the sorrow of being alive. I wish I can rise above it

Raising children and keeping them company, as they reach next stages of their lives moves a parent's life ahead. You wait for their first words, first day in nursery school, then next stages of education, doing things together, their first boyfriend or girlfriend, first job, then grandchildren. The very latter one becomes an unfulfilled dream of many contemporary folks in their 60s or 70s. Without offspring, life shapes like a circle. You may wait for a next trip to another continent or for another shot of dopamine, for the decease of your parents, you may live your siblings' children's life. Alternatively, you may fall in a self-development trap at which I look with disdain.

Upon talking to friends, then to AI (who does not ask philosophical questions to technology?) I have reached a conclusion I long for a sense of belonging, most easily found in romantic relationships and difficult to feel in a world spoilt by staring at smartphone screens.

Quite recently I got familiar with a concept devised by Paul Gilbert who posits humans exist within three circles: threat, drive and soothing. A proper balance between the three is critical for one's well-being. I swing between the two former, while in the latter circle I can find myself for short moments only, too short to restore a piece of mind, truly relax and calm down.

If my Guardian angel was to have their say about the above, what would they say?

More than a hangover

Blogging continuity is a virtue itself, so despite headwinds I am leaving hereby a short note, saving for posterity the outcomes of my folly. On Friday a few lads came over to my place. We emptied too many bottles. This resulted in a severe punishment from my body, which on Saturday refused to put up with the excessive alcohol intake the evening before.

The entire day wasted, so with other duties to get on with during the weekend I need to put back my posting on the Ukraine until next weekend. Already roughly fine, but still feel the effects of noting eating a crumb yesterday and having my digestive system irritated by throwing up the Friday evening’s content yesterday morning. A proper poisoning past me.

Not asking for sympathy, just facing the music. Past this bout of crass stupidity I will hold back from going overboard with alcohol for a long time.

Any room left for romantic love?

The timing of the post, i.e. one day after the commercial festival of celebrating romantic love which should be fostered every day, is haphazard. Also, it is not linked to the 17th anniversary of launching PES (dammit, this blog spans nearly my entire adult life and in four years, if I carry on, it will cover a half of my lifetime).

As I grow older, I also turn less romantic and more pragmatic. I would probably be unable to fall in love like a teenager, but circumstances permitting, the chemistry in my brain would do its job for a while, but I would put it down to mostly to sexual drive, not just to pure affection. As the fellow blogger posits, understand your biology, then rise above it.

Even if I don't stay at home and grab opportunities to meet new people, rules of statistics are against me. Even if I get to know 20 new people each week, which looks like a decent outcome, statistically half of them are men, most women are not in the age range of my lookout, those who are in their 30s might be in relationships, might not be physically attractive, might not find me attractive, might not be interested in raising a family. And so the next filters relentlessly narrow down the circle of potential life companions.

My generation is the first one not to feel the coercion to raise a family, which now looms as an option only for those who instinctually don't want our species to extinct. We are also witnessing a generation of independent women, cherishing equal rights, with the side effect of realising having a man by their side does not have to add value. Being in a relationship is viewed as beneficial if drawbacks of giving up on a woman's independence are offset with a surplus by what a man contributes to the relationship. Otherwise a male life companion is (for a growing fraction of women) a ball and chain. With the bar raised that high, a growing majority of men do not live up to women's expectations, some even give up on trying.

For many reasons, including the above, we observe a growing percentage of singletons in the society, many of whom have never been in a serious (involving making commitments or living under one roof) relationship, thus many lacking relationship-building competencies. Once you get used to living on your own and not minding anyone, letting in somebody to your life, changing habits, routines and plans involves some effort. This remark applies to me. In my life filled with work, volunteering, friends, helping parents, doing sports and other stuff, I also need to choose to make room to let somebody in.

Women and men are sadly at war today. The most common explanation, which is true, but not universal, is that women have moved ahead with their social advancement, while men have not caught up. In more complicated cases it turns out even those men who do not lag behind are insufficient, since they meet only 90% of women’s expectations are hence are not knights on white horses. Women are sick of bitter experiences inflicted by immature men, men are sick of women’s exorbitant requirements. Their picture of the conflict between females and males is grossly simplified. Besides, movements such as MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) are not fix. Taking umbrage with how the world has moved on and blaming women for their own backwardness and other intellectual hollow is an approach I will never embrace (mark my words).

Buy cheap, buy twice

A long time ago I heard a woman who could be ranked among lower-middle class (in Poland there are no standards of social stratification, hence such assignment was purely judgemental) claiming she “could not afford to buy cheap stuff”. At that time I thought she was showing off she could afford some decent items to make up for her inability to buy more expensive durable goods, such as more comfortable dwelling. With hindsight, I recognise the wisdom in such attitude.

The musings should begin with a question whether there is a positive correlation between price and quality. I would argue it exists, yet not really strong. If you buy expensive items, you might be let down by their poor quality, yet if you buy cheap items, it is far more likely the cost of acquiring them reflects their shoddiness. There are bargains you might chase, but laws of economics remain unwavering – products or services of high quality might be attractively priced only for a short time, then the market will drift towards equilibrium.

With age (and rising earnings) I lean towards buying more expensive durable goods and my higher disposable income is not a core reason. I like using stuff for several years, I realise such consumer habits are good for the planet, I detest producing rubbish and I generally dislike shopping, so if I buy something that serves me for many years, it saves me hassle which replacing a defective or worn-out item involves. Besides, the comfort of using quality stuff is usually higher. Such approach requires a larger initial expenditure. As I point out, I pay more up-front, but over years I do not spend more money by replacing one shoddy item with another. Quite sadly, the initial outlay is the biggest barrier for the poorer who for financial reasons are stuck in a vicious circle of buying cheap stuff: furniture which fall apart after a few years, clothes which look like rags after a few washes, etc.

One would say it is contrary to manufacturers’ interest to put out durable objects, as capitalism is driven by ongoing, never-ending demand. Bosch brand, being a symbol of quality gives lie to this. My dishwasher has never let me down over 7 years. By dint of high quality, I have come by a driller, a universal brush, a wire detector and a washing machine, all manufactured by Bosch, which since decades has been a renowned producer of reliable and durable machinery. It earns on clients recurring to buy a different product, not to replace an item they bought a few years ago.

In purely economic terms, the strategy of buying expensive items does not always make sense, especially when quality does not go together with practical properties of an item or if you are going to use an item once in a blue moon. In the latter situation, sharing economy should be the answer, nevertheless despite some progress, Poland still lacks a well-organised platform for renting / borrowing stuff (such as tools used once a year or less often).

Forward-looking optimism?

Well, not actually. I'm moving ahead, as this is a part of my nature. I soldier on, against all odds and numerous headwinds I seem to be facing.

The world we are living in does not fill with hope. The biggest empire of the old world is ruled by a lunatic. His doubtful crackdown on lousy regimes does not fill one with compassion for dictators in Venezuela or Iran, but will bring little improvement for inhabitants of those countries. The orange bastard has still too much patience for the tsar. Despite allegedly good relationships with the tsar, the US ruler has not convinced him to agree on a ceasefire under conditions reflecting the pre-invasion order. The most dreadful is the vision of the orange dumbhead warranting to conquer Greenland, triggering an immediate NATO disintegration, a scenario desired most by Kremlin. Reassuringly, the system of checks and balances in the USA works well and hence the orange guy will be effectively held back.

Russia keeps bombarding Ukraine and the vision of peace is distant. I feel awfully sorry for the Ukrainian people (especially now, as they are coping with harsh frost below –20C), but on the other hand I realise while waging a war, Russia gets weaker, while a period of peace would let the tsar's country set itself up for a war against Western Europe.

In Poland I shun the online world, as my jaw drops open at the crass stupidity of those who bloat there the most. AI has made it even worse and the least clever part of society put credence in all deepfake content they come across. The two right-wing anti-EU parties have a total support of roughly 25% in the current polls, while the democratic coalition, standing for values of the civilised world, enjoys a total support above 40%. Not a bad outcome, given how it was envisaged to fall apart in the wake of the lost presidential election and in the world drifting right.

Family-wise, my parents are getting older, a phenomenon inevitable, expected and irreversible. Their health is around the average for their age, they still basically get on with daily life on their own, mostly thanks to my father's stamina (albeit his underlying diseases are a ticking bomb). Observing their mental aging gets me down most. They no longer have a can-do attitude and perceive matters which just have to be handled as problems. Watching them sliding slowly towards senility fills me with more pessimism than coming to terms with them being less physically fit and the realisation the moments they pass away are not in a distant future.

Work-wise, I think I'm getting ahead in the new role, but ask myself what it is for. If I don't raise a family and spending money does not give me particular joy, what is the point in earning more money? I will accumulate savings, hoping one day they will come in handy, but with little conviction there is a justification for chasing higher wages.

Health-wise I realise I have reached the age range when my conduct (nutrition, physical exercise, lifestyle, hours of doing sport per week) determines my health when I grow older. So far the spine is the only long-lasting predicament and I need to take preventive steps to keep it in reasonably condition, but I keep in mind what my orthopaedist once told me, namely it is not a questions whether my ailment recurs, but when and how badly it hits me.

My involvement in charity has worn me down. If downsides prevail over upsides, one needs to think over whether, regardless of benefits for the disadvantaged, such energy drain makes sense. As of now, I have not resolved whether to carry on with the Paczka next year, but with each next day I tilt towards giving up on it.

Relationship-wise, my attitude of being deprived of hope and belief that regardless of my efforts, mating attempts will get me nowhere, is disturbing. I may try to elaborate on this in some time, but my observations of single women in their 30s approach to romantic relationships can be summarised with one question reflecting their mindsets: “why do I need a man at all?” Full stop. Maybe with time and new chapter in online dating opened my I will change my mind. Whatever the fate brings, right-on is the approach to do my bit, as only interesting people are (sexually) attractive.

2026 will be a year of looking for a meaning in life. At some stage, humans choose among different ways of drowning out the feeling of emptiness. Until recently the most popular one was raising a family which consumed money and time, took away a lot of free time and set long-term milestones humans aimed at. With lifestyle shift in place, pursuit of hobbies, travelling, doing sports, indulging in pleasures and many other ways of increasing one’s dopamine levels have grown in popularity, but they still have a common denominator – they let forget about the overwhelming existential hollow.

Is my mindset depicted above as sign of relapsing depression? I hazard a guess it does not qualify as a mental disorder. It is a natural reaction to a chain of mostly bitter experiences which have come down on me in recent months. As an intelligent human being, I emotionally respond to them. My drive and self-esteem are in order and I retain the ability to cherish joyful moments, despite being overcome by long-term dejection. No need to take medications to get to grips with it. Time will either heal it or bring what I need to reconcile with I have no impact on.

Roll on spring! Warmth and longer days will do their bit in lifting me up.

2025 in a nutshell

Having indulged in some well-deserved laziness (with some indispensable breaks for physical exercise), I see no reason in being particularly creative and will rather look back at the passing year, which I believe was rather tough for me.

The first days were marked by the relationship break-up coming into effect. A year past that decision I am strongly convinced it has been the best I could do and despite not being lucky to get involved in a new, reasonable relationship, averting a lifelong misery and living a bit of lonely, yet not lonesome life has been a preferable option.

Dating-wise, I have been confronted with a phenomenon which has been widely described, i.e. women in their 30s considering being a relationship as an option to be chosen only if its benefits outweigh the expense of giving up on their independence. Threshold for mating has been raised tremendously high, with my odds of raising a family drastically(?) decreasing.

Health-wise, my recovery has been sustainable, with some natural minor ups and downs. I do take care of my spine, have a catalogue of dos and don’ts with long sitting being the activity more detrimental than carrying heavy loads. I badly fear the relapse of health crisis involving an awful pain and being bedridden, as I was in September 2024, so each time I feel a pain similar to the one 16 months ago, everything recedes into the background and I focus on exercising several times a day.

2025 was not abundant in travels, for several reasons. I have not flown a plane since October 2023. I have only ventured for nearly a week into Polish mountains and then for a weekend. I miss journeys a bit, as exploring new places and being away from home cleanses mind perfectly. But on the other hand, travelling has become a religion or one of several ways of filling existential void.

Work-wise, after 15 years in banking I have suffered a burnout (it seems I did not bother to commit it to the blog), but despite this, or in attempt to break away from this, I have been promoted. Currently I am finding my way around new duties, however still trying to keep my head above water, rather than comfortably floating on the surface. Hope things shape up over the next months, however my faith will likely be put to the test by the oncoming ownership change (my employer bound to change hands in January).

Politics-wise, in the run-up to the presidential election, I was zealously following the current affairs, hoping for the best, realising the worst was more probable than the polls suggested. My worries have materialised. Although I seemed to have been prepared for Mr Nawrocki’s victory, I needed to get over it. Since then I have been somewhat withdrawn from politics, focusing on other areas of life.

Charity-wise, my sixth stint in Szlachetna Paczka might have been the last one. I have not taken this decision, but give myself half a year to mull over it. If I give up on being a volunteer, I will be confronted with reinventing myself in the last quarter of the year. I will need to focus more on myself and searching for a meaning in life, even if the reality puts paid to my plans and hopes.

In recent days when my mind was slightly turned off, I repeatedly recalled the morning of 7 November 2025 when I got paralysed. There was a moment I feared it could be my last moments alive. I had a lust of for life, but it was more about a survival instinct than realising there were things I would not do if I passed away then. I thought about be parents’ grief, my friends, unfinished things at work and at Szlachetna Paczka. Several weeks after that I realise I need to reach out for more joy in life and take care of myself. And I wish the same to you.

Szlachetna Paczka 2025 before the dust has settled

To be precise, it has not fully settled. One of families under my care stills awaits a sofa bed (delivery delayed), another one I have looked after waits for bedside lamps and a chair assembly which I will do myself. Four families' donators have buggered up and we (volunteers from Ursynów area) will need to fix up money from an "emergency fund" to meet their needs. Yesterday I belatedly purchased and delivered a shower booth for a family I picked up as a donator on 8 December. Well, the Yuletide celebration has not yet commenced.

My sixth edition is the first one when I am not in a relationship. The other person close to me used to be a counterbalance and kept by involvement at bay. This year I had decided to dedicate more energy to Szlachetna Paczka and now feel drained of it, yet not on account if my relationship status, but due to organisational errors made all along.

The recruitment process has been screwed up. Far too many people on managerial positions and as rank-and-file volunteers should have never found themselves in their roles. The absence of black lists (of people with negative feedback from previous editions) has definitely contributed to this.

In the very area of Ursynów we onboarded 64 families to receive aid (vs. previous record of 54) and had around 35 volunteers (10 more than in previous years on average). Quantity of staff has not translated into quality. Although we have had some outstanding newcomers, the number of insufficiently involved (or disappearing along the way) volunteers was appallingly high. Needless to say duties they had undertaken had to be taken over.

In the run-up to the final weekend there has been a massive problem of families not picked by any donators. Volumes could be spoken of reasons why it happened like this, but since there is no proof any of my theories is right, I will keep them for myself. In social media the most common notion was putting it down to some families' sky-high needs, which even if justified, are hard to be fulfilled by ordinary people (may a costly leaking roof repair serve as an example).

No reliable statistics will show how many Paczkas (neither "box" nor "parcel" renders well what a Paczka in Szlachetna context is) have eventually been prepared by the volunteers and their companions. In Ursynów area 4 out of 64 families have been picked by us. Additional time and money spent on saving families from being left out in the cold are the biggest cost hidden in joyful celebration of the recent edition.

I would hazard a guess Szlachetna Paczka is one of the most demanding forms of volunteering which can be taken up in Poland. It is not just about coping with horrific stories of o people's penury, but also about time dedicated to do it properly and having to arrange a lot on one's, frequently making extensive use of one's multiple resources.

I believe past this edition Szlachetna Paczka's relationship with donators and volunteers will be under strain and lots of effort will have to be put to rebuild them.

Will Stowarzyszenie Wiosna face criticism it ought receive? Each year it seems those in charge of the initiative are learning from mistakes made in a previous years. But once a new edition kicks off for good, it turns out history repeats itself, but the price paid by the most responsible volunteers goes up.