Having
shaken off a heartache, one usually begins to look out for opportunities to
start over a new relationship. For posterity and for myself – a wry record of
my endeavours over the past year. If there’s no use crying over spilt milk, I
can at least indulge in recalling those hapless stories from their hilarious
side… If you don’t fancy reading somebody washing their dirty linen in public,
just click away.
This time
names won’t be made up to withhold the real identity of persons involved. The
cast are: six women nicknamed Gx, where x = 1, 2, …, 6, G stands for ‘Girl’, B
(stands for my name) – me.
G1 probably
was still alone because of her stringent requirements towards potential
partner, or just maybe because she’d hold her head up high. To give you the
flavour of it, just a short snippet of our conversation.
G1: I don’t
know if you realise, but I’m a member of MENSA.
B:
(concealing my bewilderment, as I heard the most above-average intelligent
people associated in that organisation hardly ever boast about their membership
and generally are modest) I’m impressed…
A few
minutes later I mentioned in the conversation Wisława Szymborska (Polish Noble
Prize in literature laureate)
G1: Excuse
me, who?
B: Wisława
Szymborska, you know, she got the Noble in literature in 1996
G1: Never
heard of…
B: “Nothing
happens twice”, “Calling Yeti” (…), rings a bell to you?
G1: Errr,
no…
Exit
strategy: make a getaway and then avoid like a plague!
Regular
readers of PES already are familiar with the story of G2, named for them
‘Natalia’
B: After not seeing you for more than two years, I could have found you
being with someone else and did consider this when trying to find you, but when
we met, you told me that…
G2: I remember, when you asked how I was doing, my reply started with a
declaration “I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have a fiancé, I’m not married”…
B: So actually you have somebody…?
G2: Well, formally we are not together… This is… a cupboard love
B: (the whole situation seemed kind of funny to me) It sounds serious.
G2: It’s a very serious feeling towards an older, mature man.
B: (I could barely help my jaw dropping open, but responded in a serious
manner) Maybe it would be worthwhile to do something about it?
G2 just pulled a face and flushed…
I haven’t seen her ever after despite working in neighbouring building.
None of our common friends could not tell me how she was doing, no one has
heard anything from her. PES Commentator Basia claimed I could have done her an
incredible favour; I doubt it – even if my emergence served as an eye-opener,
she closed her eyes as soon as I made off.
The date with G3 was actually quite nice and promising until the moment
I drove her home and we were about to farewell…
G3: May I ask you a question?
B: Sure, go ahead.
G3: Is it your car?
B: Why are you asking?
G3: You know, some boys tend to impress girls with not their cars…
B: (baffled) You’ve got me there, this one is stolen!
G3: You know, it’s not what I meant. Can you… show the registration
certificate?
B: I took the car’s documents out of pocket and showed her (I know I
should have refused, but at that stage I wanted to bring this situation to an
ultimate end)
G3: It’s yours, not your father’s. So when do we meet next time?
B: Never. Because I don’t go out with blachary (blachara is a Polish
word for a girl who falls for boys who have cars, don’t know if there’s any
English equivalent…)
Comment: Had I possessed a barn-tuned Volkswagen Golf III with darkened
rear windows, alloy rims and sizeable spoilers, the date could have had its
final on the back seat of my car. Unfortunately my immaculate Renault doesn’t
work on women like this…
I had to make some efforts and prove some patience to ask G4 out, but my
determination was rewarded. Actually this was not an awful experience, it was
in a way… uncanny…
She told me about her parents divorce, how her father treated her
mother, her siblings and her since the time their family began to break up, how
her brother escaped it by getting hitched to a girl from a rich family, how her
sister quit studies two times. She confessed:
G4: I’ve never loved anybody and I don’t think I ever will, it’s just
what I’m like – I don’t care, I don’t get attached, that’s how I function,
people have to accept or not – their choice.
Then she also described me how her boss was harassing her…
Despite the whole burden she had thrown at me and despite her ‘emotional
instability’ (something that attracts me in women) I claim this one
relationship had a chance to work out. Months after that meeting I still regret
being too open about my intentions. Had I held my horses, I could have hit it
off with her and slowly tame her.
G5 was also a good example of a resistant girl. For a long time she
remained totally indifferent to me showing interest in us getting to know each
other better. Once we accidentally met in town. I was returning from work after
doing vast overtime, it was getting late, so I offered her a lift.
B: Maybe I could drive you home…
G5: (perplexed and feeling like vanishing into the air) Maybe better
not!
B: (decided to find out whether it was because she had a boyfriend or
for some other reasons that she turned down each my proposal) Is your boyfriend
so jealous, that he would damage my car and throttle me? (was meant to be a
joke)
G5: Eeerrr… Yes… He’s very aggressive…
B: (stumped) So I’ll better hold back and go home… alone… it’s late…
bye…
This short dialogue until now seems absurd and no matter if that was
true, or just a lame excuse, the message is clear – keep away from such women.
Case similar to G2 – the mystery to be never unravelled and even if it was,
what the benefit for me would be?
G6 deserves a slight introduction. We first met in 2008 on a language
course, then accidentally met during exam in April 2009 and a few weeks ago ran
across each other in a tram. I sensed an opportunity cropping up, I put forward
we met, she agreed…
I’m not reticent, but I somehow kind of like meetings when I don’t have
to speak much. This was one of them. Before we got to a restaurant I listened
to the story of her struggle in the run-up to her legal counsel exams that
plunged her into neurosis and which medicines her psychiatrist prescribed her
and how she reacted to them. In the restaurant the actual rough ride set on…
G6: Yes, you remembered well I don’t use Internet often, but this
doesn’t mean I’m unfamiliar with technology (she pulls from her handbag some
Apple-made device and shows off her smartphone – both devices keep her online
all the time) – I change them every year to have always state-of-the-art
electronics by my side. Actually they don’t endure more than a year, my
previous iPhone’s mainboard gave up the ghost after a year and I lost all the
files I had stored on it…
B: (decided to pick up the gauntlet and play this game, so took my Nokia
handset bought in early 2008 from my pocket) I prefer to stay offline, I simply
don’t need gadgets. This one offers me as much as I need and for almost six
years has never let me down.
G6: But aren’t you ashamed of using it in public. I would be…
This was when the show was hotting up
G6: I like big cars. I feel safe and mighty behind the wheel. Recently
my dad leased a Mitsubishi Outlander for me. I adore this car.
B: This is an SUV, right? finally met a woman aged less than 35 who can be seen in such petrol-guzzling hideous vehicle) Well, I somehow don’t need big stuff, they simply don’t impress me. My 10-year-old Megane serves me very well
G6: Aren’t you afraid of driving such old car?
B: Of course not, it’s as reliable as my phone (indeed, today engine
cranked up briskly after 10 days of sitting idle)
Then came the part in which she laid out her opinions in fundamental
matters…
G6: A man should be resourceful. He should have at least two full-time
jobs and moonlight in order to have money to indulge his woman’s needs.
Then she made my hackles rise…
G6: This is awful when people bring packed lunch to the office instead
of going out to eat… If they earn money, what can be the reason for them to
deny themselves pleasure of eating out?
B: But don’t you realise most of them may have budget constraints or
prefer to spend money on other things or have loans to pay off? Many of my
colleagues spend a lot of money investing in their children and therefore they
relinquish eating out…
G6: And this why I will never have children. These are sponger. If I had
a child I would have to spend money on it and spent time looking after it. And
as a child-free woman I can spend money for satisfying my needs and take care
of my own matters…
I must have been totally bemused, if I didn’t feel like shouting in her
face: “you vacuous cunt”…
I haven’t even bothered to send her a brief text message to thank for
the evening…
For the two
days following the nightmarish date I felt a bit off-colour, broke sweat after
small physical efforts and shivered. Fever ensued on the third day before dawn.
At first I thought I’d caught a cold (weather and heating conditions in my
office and public transport were conducive to it), but soon I realised instead
of sore throat I was nagged by aching stomach. As the disease developed, it
turned out to be regular food poisoning (details left out, nothing pleasant) –
first in my life since early childhood and quite severe.
I wonder
whether the obnoxious tribulations I’ve gone through recently were just a
coincidence, an aftermath of G6’s bad taste (after roaming around town for
almost an hour and griping about menu contents in several restaurants) or a
sign (maybe the Guardian Angel is vigilant and had his fingers in it) from the
fate. That date was a katharsis – I felt like swimming in a pond of shit,
keeping my head above water, breathing in fragrant air and knowing no one has
enough power to push my head down. It made me finally realise going out with
somebody just for the sake of mere going out makes no sense. It’s sometimes
better to be left out in the cold if the house is on fire…
The recent
date probably was also meant to serve as a cure for my fondness of older women
(all six women were older than me, with age difference spanning from a few
weeks to seven years). I stared at G6’s face – instead of sincere grin I saw a
frown, instead of joy I saw displeasure, instead of youthful energy I saw
jadedness. I saw a grumpy, elderly materialist who didn’t need a man as a
human, but craved for his money. Never before have I found a company of a woman
so off-putting that I prayed we parted as soon as possible and if I could I
would probably run away as fast as legs could carry. I even thought about
finding an excuse, writing an SMS under the table with a request for an urgent
call, but gave up on those ideas, decided to stay tough and stick it out…
Now if this
was indeed a turning point, then comes a question where to look for a younger
girl if in my natural social groups are work and the same since years circle of
friends? For the former the hope lies in staff turnover, yet beware… For the
latter, if there was meant to be an opportunity, it would have long been seized
or missed. Should I take second studies, sign up for language course / dancing
course, enrol in an organisation? Makes a point, if I wanted squeezing extra
activity into my weekly timetable, but… signing up can do the job if the real
goal is to learn something new, or engage in new activity, not to meet a girl –
if not, the whole idea can turn into a huge cock-up… My Soulmate told me there
are surely plenty of girls that would fit me well, but I have no chance to meet
them, despite quite probably passing them by every day – they follow the same
daily routine I do – move between home and work, in free time help at home or
meet the same group of friends. But because it takes two to tango, even if I
break away from the circle, odds of meeting them are low.
Regarding
back the former – I used to avow I would refrain from any ambiguous
relationships at work. With time I’ve given it second thoughts and slightly
changed my mind. What really should be avoided are relationships with women
from your team and all other you work directly with, have frequent professional
interactions with or if your job responsibilities overlap. If your positions
are, however, functionally and physically separated, no one should view it as a
problem. Such proximity makes it even easier to foster a relationship (how
convenient to pop out for a lunch together or to meet after work).
Some time
ago it occurred to me some opportunities stand no chance of being even missed.
Some time ago I met a girl. Until then I had been unable to define what the
“ideal woman” or “a girl of my kind” would be like. When I met her (none of the
G1 – G6 described above) I realised she was such one. But when we first mean,
it was all said and done, or rather the know was tied. She got married last
year, a year before we met. I didn’t even dare to make any step, even held off
on trying to get to know her better, just to ward off any temptation. No chance
to light a single spark in the dark…
All
adventures with those girls also had one common denominator – they all lacked
spontaneity, something which in the past made it work smoothly, naturally. Back
in middle, then high school or at the university, I had a chance to meet many
girls, spend more time with time in different situations and then could find
out whether I liked any of them more and if I wanted to make a step to get to
know her better and ask her out. Today, when I often have to fight for
opportunity to meet, I need to ask a woman out to find out whether I want to
get to know her better… Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t seem to understand it. I
know, this is a part of mating rituals, but if you ask somebody out, you make
an effort to show that you care. And the whole absurdity for me is that I don’t
know if I care, so the whole fuss seems incongruous to me…
The upside
of all those miserable attempts is that none of them has got me so far to spark
any emotional commitment. Sometimes I felt relief it didn’t work out (G1, G3,
G6), sometimes it’d hurt a bit (G2, G4, G5) – as no one likes being turned
away, but getting over it was a matter of days rather than weeks.
From time
to time my colleague (30+ married woman, has no children and not the Soulmate)
and I pop out for a cigarette. Actually she smokes, I take up the role of a
passive smoker and we chat, not only about work. One day I asked her why she
got married. Her response was straightforward and disarming: “I was about to
turn 30, he showed he cared, had a job, had no addictions, was kind of handsome
and just like me liked dogs, there was no use in waiting for a knight from a
fairy tale”.
So what’s
the reason for me to get married?
To have
somebody to cook dinners for me, wash my socks, vacuum-clean carpets and iron
my shirts? No, I can do it myself, or hire a servant!
To meet the
most elementary needs a male has? This problem might be solved by frequent
trips to escort agency or picking up girls in some clubs – I hope to never
stoop so low!
To have
somebody to support me? For all those years I learnt to cope with all
difficulties on my own, I’m used to not sharing problems as they appear with
other people.
The only
reasonable motive is to have a company in life – and then everything changes…
My Soulmate
also told me with age I’ll become more demanding and will find it harder to
accept a woman with all her habits, shortcomings and peculiarities. In fact, at
that stage I can’t pick and choose, as many valuable women are already either
married or in long-lasting relationships. It’s just like in a free-market
economy where rational consumers compete with one another to pick out more
valuable goods before others snatch them for themselves – so leftovers are not
the most desired ones. There is an option to wait until one of such relationships
breaks up and step in, but one needs to have it in mind, this would be a
relationship with a person burnt and bruised after a bitter experience of
broken-up relationship…
Relationship
is an art of compromise, but not all concessions can be made and in some
matters I see no room for compromise. I can’t imagine a relationship with a
woman who has totally different priorities in life, or has different hierarchy of values. Surely, I could try, but having seen many such relationships from
the stage of fascination evolving into disillusionment and bitter end, I treat
such opportunities as waste of time which additionally increases probability I
miss the right opportunity… Which I hope lies still ahead.
