Z-generation

I suppose all readers know well what the term used in the title stands for. In case somebody needs to catch up, I divert to a dedicated wikipedia page.

Over the recent time young adults (nearly a decade younger than me, or even younger) have become nefarious for their distinctive approach towards work and towards life. Some hailed them "a snowflake generation", referring to their fragility and shortage of resistance to hardships of adult life.

Although the introductory paragraph might suggest I am critical towards Z-gen, I appreciate many foundations of their mindset. They fight for a work-life balance, in practice reaching out beyond the older generations' hollow declarations. They want to break out of chasing after money and material goods. Instead, they yearn for experiencing and spending time with nearest and dearest. They realise the treadmill of older generations gets them nowhere.

The above at first glance holds true, yet there is an inconsistency in how they want to achieve their goals. If I were to come up with only one critical remark towards Z-gen, I would say they do not understand causations. The pleasures they want to draw from life cost money, but unlike my peers, they refuse to toil away to earn it.

I have recently read a series of excellent articles (by enlightened conservatives from Klub Jagielloński) in which one of the authors posits generation Z is the natural effect of generations X and Y. A younger generation naturally contests the values of an older one. Generation Z however, wishes to freeride on the fruits of the previous generations' hard work.

I generally blame parents of Z-gen for how their offspring interact with the world. Also confining to one child only by many couples has done its bit. Parents of two or more children need to share their attention between them, while siblings need to mind and take care of one another. In a 2+1 family the focus is on the only child, who often is treated like the hub of the universe (and as an adult holds out for such treatment).

I also hold it against Z-gen's ancestors that current youngsters are not taught how to deal with criticism and lack a sense of responsibility. Children should learn from their own mistakes and from early years realise, to a moderate extent, there are prices to be paid for misdeeds. A dose of humility, when confronted with someone else's wisdom and subsequent ability to admit one's mistakes would definitely come in useful too.

In the era of affluence parents tend to give children too much, often to make up for too little time or attention dedicated to their offspring. Such upbringing does not teach youngsters they need to work hard to deserve something.

Besides, far too much protection from the cruelty of the nasty world is given. Suffering is an indispensable part of life and children should be slowly tamed with it, to help them accept life is not a bed of roses. The sooner they realise it with wise aid of their parents, the less painful the clash with tribulations of the adult life will be.

I wonder what happens once the Z-gen take over as major part of the labour force and once they begin to take up managerial position. The economic growth might slow down, however with the benefit to the planet, so such prospect is not entirely gloomy.

Fatherhood

Since late adolescence I have been sure one day I want to become a father. Not because it is a socially acceptable model, but out of a primeval instinct, probably not to let my genes go to waste.

My mother was 37 and my father was 38 when I was born. In late 1980s that was considered late parenthood. I actually was not their first child. My mother gave birth to a dead infant nearly 4 years before I was born. The age difference has made itself over my entire lifetime, especially in recent years when my parents' health is no longer enviable. I have always wanted to become a father earlier than my father did and the moment draws near. My goal was to bring up children in good health and not to be a burden for them as long as possible.

You could go on about philosophical consideration on the optimum age a male should become a father. Unlike with women, biology allows men to have offspring into an old age (albeit I believe natural erectile dysfunctions work to prevent this), but I don't think deferring the fatherhood, provided you have a younger female to become a mother, is a preferable solution. A slider needs to be set between maturity and ability to provide for a family (the older, the better) and a male's body ability to regenerate and stamina (the younger, the better).

Definitely a birth of a child is a game-changer in life which turns all routines upside down, prompts you to give up for a while on some pastime activities and lose sleep. An infant needs to be looked after 24/7, hence it is a timesuck for parents, but as many of my friends say, also the biggest pride and joy they have had in their lives.

Given the hardship of early years with the offspring might give a hard time, a reliable life companion is crucial. I am still fighting my fear I will be the one who takes care of most things and is burdened with most duties, which is a sort of strange, since such worries are typical for women who statistically less often can count on their partners than the other way round.

Although three paragraphs earlier I mentioned a male's responsibility to ensure financial stability of a family, I am avidly in favour of a modern family model in which partners roughly equally share household and children-related duties.

Currently the biggest pain in the neck of my girlfriend and mine is workload. I have never had to work as much as these days for a prolonged period and never got behind with work despite working 50 - 55 hours a week. When a weekend comes I am exhausted. I need to sort this out before becoming a parent, however have a prospect of a transfer to a different team with the beginning of 2024, with a scope of duties confined to client-related stuff (current I look after a junior analyst and co-ordinate a multinational project on Poland level). Again, I have written this note from the underground train to optimise my time...

Finanse-wise, my current salary is suffient to provide for a family (assuming my girlfriend reduces her wages to mine on account of changing a job to a less time-consuming), with a decent degree of comfort, hence my strategic goal is to save possibly much money for a bigger property and be less burdened by mortgage repayments once children-related expenses appear.

Having written it all, I bear in mind it takes two to tango...

It's a heartache

Looked like I have gotten over the break-up and moved ahead. Time has proven wounds could not heal to easily. The very process of getting over gradually was disrupted by the hassle with the newly purchased flat. Negotiations began shortly after I moved out to Bielany, the notarial deed was signed two weeks later, then the very first part of refurbishment ensued. A week ago I ran out of works I could do on my own and could only focus on waiting for crews (delivery of my windows and sills is already delayed by one week!) and arranging stuff for the next stages of works. This coincided with a lighter period at work; consequently I found myself with a bit of more time to think…

The flat purchase was a good decision, a move I should not have put back, but at that very time was a very convenient hideout and time-filler (not necessarily a soul-healer) to drown out my sorrows and regrets.

More than two months after, I still consider my decision to be the best possible (and based on what I know how my ex-gf is doing, time has proven me right), but the heartache refuses to let up. For some reason I have recently recalled mostly the good moments, though the worse ones prevailed in the last weeks of the relationship. Funny how human psyche can play tricks and alter the memory of the past.

As I have definitely not gotten over the break-up, I cannot consider myself ready for a new beginning. It’s not just about “working through” the mistakes of the past and giving myself a rest, it is not about general lack of time I will be plagued by in the coming weeks.

I need to focus on myself, my needs, on what brings me joy and simply do my bit to chase happiness. Do my bit, without seeking company as pre-condition for having good time. And get to grips with my propensity to give and to look after somebody overly.

I have brought back the days after the break-up when I still prepared packed lunch for my ex-gf, ironed her clothes and actually acted as if nothing had happened and with hindsight I have realized how pathological it had been. Now I miss taking care of somebody, inordinately miss it.

Besides, a life companion must not be a person who fills in the emptiness that these days blows me over from inside. Before I reach out for a woman, I must fill the empty space in my soul on my own.

My observations from several occasions to mingle with people do not fill with optimism. In the era when smartphone is the main device facilitating communication (without which talks is hardly imaginable to many younger people), openness of humans around leaves a lot to be desired. I have no idea why so many singles of my age are so selfish, prefer to hide inside their shells rather than making the effort to open themselves to fellow human beings. After many years spent single, such a move is a step out of the comfort zone, however it needs to be taken to change a lonely life. Fear of a change is what keeps people in bad relationships, but also keeps people single. As you decide to get involved with somebody, the fair balance between staying yourself and sticking to your fundamental values and combating the habits developed over years of being single is an art. Realising and pursuing this is, I suppose, crucial to foster a rewarding relationship.

As an anecdote – my friend suggested I install Tinder in my smartphone and try going out with women matched there. My first reaction was that I would not use an application used by seeking a specific form of fun ;-), but heard more and more people use it as regular dating application or to find company. With quite little to lose, maybe this option is worth considering.

5 May 2017 – 18 July 2018

It’s over.

There’s no way back.

Members of former band ABBA interviewed about the lyrics of “The winner takes it all” said no one had been a winner in the divorce of Agnetha Faltskog and Bjorn Ulvaeus. They both had lost, along with their children.

For the posterity, my girlfriend and I split up four days ago. The last weeks had been an enormous struggle and though we both had tried hard, the what had torn us was far bigger that what we had had in common.

Actually the end could have been seen from the beginning as moments in which I had felt truly secure and comfortably in that relationship (with hindsight, if such foundation was a missing piece, it was bound to fall apart) were scarce. The relationship which was tainted in doubts, in which I considered breaking up several times, in which uncertainty was unrelenting.

Half a year ago, after actually the best period in our relationship which oddly enough coincided with the most acute phase of my depression episode, we decided to rent a flat together. Living under one roof has helped us get to know each other better, but also found ourselves tackling the daily grind we both thought we would share by the end of our days.

We had ups and downs, the latter being more frequent, but it all went downhill after our holidays in late May. In early July we nearly broke up but decided to have a long and sincere talk and gave ourselves one last chance. We tried hard and appreciated each other’s efforts, yet that struggle gave little comfort to both of us. Our “recovery plan” could have come in useful for a falling apart marriage, where children and other stuff would be valid points to stay together, but not for two people who have been together for just more than a year.

Burdened by downsides outshining upsides, ever-increasing doubts, uncertainty and discomfort, I resolved to let us both have a chance to find life companions having makings for a perfect match. Time has proven this was a grossly imperfect match.

Needless to say, breaking up has not restored any sense of comfort, certainty, I actually feel even more insecure, not like somebody who has broken free of what has brought them more sorrow than joy. Memories remain...

Enough musings for now. My moods since Wednesday evening have swung from moderate despair to relief and they will continue to do so for a week. Unfortunately, we still live in one flat, though I am intent on finding a flat to rent quickly and move out the next weekend. Yesterday I visited one, yet the impression (dirt in the kitchen, smells of 1980s inside) was awful. Lookout has to go on. In the meantime, I am heading for Wrocław in business, so evenings spent in the city I’m love with should heal my soul a bit.

Once I read if you decide to break up you exchange mediocre today for even worse tomorrow to avoid awful years ahead.

A heartfelt thank you to my dearest friends: Ola, Martyna and Marcin for keeping me company (for long phone calls and messenger conversation) since the first hours of the hapless moment I turned single, and to my parents who offered my support and understanding and have not attempted to assess my decision.

Breakthrough?

I can’t recall when we first met. It must have been during one of Area meetings in 2015 in Warsaw. We’d meet several times, I knew who you were, you knew who I was.

Ten months ago you relocated to Warsaw. Somebody suggested I could try and ask you out, somebody unaware I had been tangled up with someone else. I replied I would not overreach myself just to try and let time bring it on, or not.

In early March while at the off-site corpo-booze-up we had a longer chat in your room. We behaved innocently as children. Last week you told me back then you’d had in mind to make use of the fact your room-mate had not arrived…

7 April

After a workshop we both attended I approached you and asked whether you would eat out with my fellow workmates and me. So casually, just not to make an impression that I care at all…

14 April

I walked to your floor to wish happy Easter to your team-mates, but particularly to you. As we parted I felt I wanted to touch you and to kiss you. The tension was felt in the air, but we did nothing to relieve it.

Easter

Just look up this post to get the picture of how hopeless I felt. In conversations with some close friends I mentioned there came the moment to brace myself for being alone by the end of my days, or at best stop taking it for granted I would get married and have children. They all in unison rebuked me over my disheartened state of mind.

26 April

Death of someone else’s father turned out to disentangle me from the weird relationship or rather loosened it up to the level of a healthily distanced friendship by reminding someone else her husband was a caring man not deserving to have his wife looking out for a substitute at times. The drastic termination pushed me closed to the verge of despair. Oddly enough, your presence helped me not to think about someone else.

5 May

The reality overpowered me. I needed to give in, I couldn’t care less. Out of this blues I came forward with a proposal you went with me to pick up a gift for my friend’s newly born child. I intended to take you out to an eatery, then maybe to see you off home. Instead you asked whether I would go with you to see vacuum cleaners. I confess the moment you asked that question I knew what it meant. I carried the vacuum cleaner to your flat for three kilometres, for some reasons I didn’t break sweat even though it was the first really warm day since many weeks. I put down the box on the floor. I knew it was your territory and expected you to deal out the cards. In didn’t take you long to grab my hand to push my body close to yours… (…) Around an hour later, as the door phone bell signalled your flatmate was returning, I made off in a rush. Until today opinions who had provoked that situation vary. At that moment the course and dynamics of events, though utterly predictable, was a surprise to me.

Next week I had absolutely no idea how to handle it, nor what direction I wanted it to take. Friday’s adventure loomed as one-off thing of the past. I perceived the situation as an attempt to seduce or manipulate me and therefore stayed cautious…

12 May

You asked me to talk over what happened a week earlier. My perception of what had happened began to evolve, but at that moment I could not tell her we would be together or not. I acted as an indecisive prat, yet I needed to think things over…

A few days later I asked you out for a lunch. At that moment the outcome of my ponderings was straightforward – if I had given up on you, I would have certainly hurt you, if I had given it a try, I could have hurt you. I was ready for being turned down. You were determined to give it a second chance. Then it went on quite smoothly and swiftly.

The next weeks did not resemble the magnificent state of infatuation, crush or fascination. It was the attraction we felt for each other that kept it together. I missed the emotional element back then. While sharing my doubts with friends, I coined an offensive term ciało obce (an alien body) to call you and to define the essence of what our relationship rested on…

Over the first weeks we both had quite many occasions to break up, including my trip to Germany, returning from which I didn’t know whether there was anything nor anyone to return to. On the other hand, we both kept fighting for it and there were equally many occasions to make up. I guess this bodes well for next months…

I still wonder, whether what now burns it just the desire or something more. I am noticing nascent friendship between us, an emerging emotional bond.

Though you attract me and turn me on so good, you are not a woman of my dreams. I can’t imagine you are my wife, a mother of my children, a shoulder to cry on when I’m in trouble. Friends have told me these are the reasons to give up on you, but something inside me tells me to keep it going.

I am letting things drift. Desire will burn down in a few months and what is left then will clinch whether what is between us falls apart or is worth fostering.

Oddly enough, since we have been together, my popularity with women increased so much that I‘ve grown nearly sick of it. And despite my numerous doubts I resist all temptations. For professional reasons we’ve decided to keep it secret. I know there is no better way, but I‘m also fed up with pretending to be a single on a constant lookout. After all we both deceive people around us.

No matter how it all ends, the whole set-up is an excellent example that instead of striving, trying hard, wanting badly, the best you can do is to follow the simple piece of advice: Miej wy***ane, a będzie ci dane.

Off for a weekend next week, so next note due in two weeks.

A LIttle Life - book review

Spotted the book on someone’s desk while roaming around the office, recalled had heard some time earlier it had been a bestseller in the USA in 2015 and instantly grew curious whether A Little Life deserved that much attention.

The bookowner  (with whom I orally shared my thoughts beforehand) warned me I would struggle to waddle through first pages, as the narrative in first chapter is quite chaotic and a reader needs to take some effort to find his way around characters, links between them and the plot in general. Besides, my second impression was that I was becoming engrossed in a novel on gay community. While I carried on reading, this turned out to be just a misgiving and although the book does not centre around homosexuals, they and their relationships play a vital role in it.

Critics in their reviews claim A Little Life is a novel on manifold aspects of growing up, shirking it, deferring it, holding it back. Indeed, at the certain time, main characters have turned 30, however refuse to act like full-blown adults, yet I believe it is untrue they insist to remain adolescent over their lifetime. They just reach certain milestones in life (such as engaging a mature romantic relationship) later than their peers and later than proscribed by generally accepted social norms.

The book carries some general messages that virtually everyone who has read the book (it has become all-the-rage, changing hands often, around the office) has received. These are universal truths on life one should know in tackling what fate brings.

Firstly, the balance of evil and good one receives over lifetime stays close to zero. I have noticed it myself that the more misfortunes fall on a human, the more emphatic people are induced to lend them a helping hand. The main character of the book, Jude, also gets the evil and the good balanced over his lifetime, however though the proportions are in order, they are spread over time unfairly. His childhood is filled with evil and this impacts his ability and receive good in his adult life.

Secondly, while a reader encounters so much evil Jude is bestowed in his childhood, they learn appreciate what they have and what they have been spared. The story of Jude looks like an example how much suffering one man can be bestowed with and although his testimony proves he has survived, damages done to his psyche are irreversible.

A Little Life is also an in-depth study of depression. The illness is not a single time named in the book, but symptoms the main character exhibits clearly indicate his adult life is a losing battle against the mental ailment. The book plays up the important fact about depression many fail to accept, namely that a human can come down with it no matter how good their life is (though factors conducive to development of the illness must not be played down).

For those who still believe a human can be shaped throughout their entire life, the novel is a reminder that formative years, which end around the time one becomes adult, have tremendous impact on the whole adult life. Harms inflicted in childhood and teenage years stand no chance to be erased from one’s memory and are bound to continue to be a drag on one’s psyche, no matter how firmly one cuts off the past.

All in all, I would recommend the book to a patient and open-minded reader who is not afraid of 800-pages-long journey from cover to cover. The story could have been squeezed into by one-third lower number of pages, hence sometimes a reader might have to resist the temptation to skip passages which bring little value added to the plot. The ones, however I wanted to omit were either abhorrent, detailed descriptions of Jude’s self-injuries, or far too long and emotional deep insights into romantic relationship between men, however the latter I would put down to simple lack of affinity with homosexuals.

Ogarnij się!

For starters, to prompt comments from my (sparse) readers – what is the best English equivalent of the Polish verb ogarniać się, in its recently most popular meaning, i.e. to do something do bring stuff under control? To spruce up / to smarted up which pop up when an on-line dictionary is asked, are palpable misnomers and actually render another, more traditional meaning of ogarniać się. Get a grip on oneself, get one’s act together, get hold of oneself appear to fit better, yet by no means they are perfect equivalents. Dear native speakers – any hints?

And the ogarnięcie się is a common denominator to a Polityka weekly’s ranking of twenty two changes in a life one should make before turning 30. The article has taken my fancy right away, yet after the second or third read, I have found the list weird. Nevertheless, out of curiosity I have put myself to the adulthood test… Here we go…

1. Aiming at give-and-take, since digging one’s hills in to prove one is right, gets people nowhere.

Me: Had such period, some five to three years ago when I wanted to demonstrate everyone my supremacy. With time, and having been told off by a few folks wiser than me, I have come to my senses.

2. Cutting down on alcohol. Health no longer permits, too little time to overcome hangover, not to mention dire aftermaths drinking too much.

Me: This might come to a big surprise, yet there was a time when I drank much and when I could take in a lot of alcohol. A wake-up call came after a booze in June this year, when after clearly overdosing alcohol the next day hangover was not my only problem; my kidneys refused to work and I ended up on emergency ward with symptoms of body poisoning, having to gulp instantly two litres of mineral work to kick-start the poisoned organs. Until today I feel ashamed of my irresponsible behaviour and resolved to give up on binge drinking forever.

3. Sleeping through the whole weekend – no longer apposite.

Me: Never had that problem. There are plenty of interesting things one can do over the weekend, so sleeping is a waste of time…

4. Paying off all debts, particularly those on credit cards…

Me: I have had a credit card for eight years and I have always repaid it before the end of grace period. But on the other hand I have friends for who a credit card is a source of easy spending, without minding the fact one day its balanced will need to be cleared and if it is done too late, the cost of borrowing is high.

5. Strange people all around in life. Time to get rid of them…

Me: In recent months, while trying to lift myself from the post-exam mess, I have also resolved to tell between shallow relationships and those which deserve to be fostered. Quality is more important than quantity. For one’s psyche it is more valuable to have a few dedicated friends than hundreds of acquaintances actually indifferent to you. Upshot – some phone numbers deleted from the phonebook, birthday date removed from facebook to ensure no hollow wishes next birthday and the most important – if I run across somebody on a street and put forward to meet, I call them and insist we meet! It has to said such attitude involves being very straightforward to people, something I appreciate more and more with time.

6. Stop reaching out for money to parents. It is not about living with parents, but about economic dependence.

Me: My general stance since the age of 22 when I began to earn money for which I could eke out a living is that a young man should finance all their whims from own pocket and give parents money for house maintenance. Never ever have I asked for or suggested I want money from parents, except recently, when I openly asked whether they would give me some money (up to 25% of total cost) for a purchase of a flat.

7. Holding your horses while doing shopping. Reckless spending should become thing of the past.

Me: Never been fond of gadgets and saved for a flat, so again, not my problem. Yet self-indulgence is a problem I observe with many people, regardless of their age. It is a matter of character and habits, not the age, I would claim.

8. Giving up smoking.

Me: never had a cigarette in my mouth.

9. Announcing parties on facebook – no longer on.

Me: Have never done it, being restraint with facebook. Reality is off-line and may it stay so… I guess here the author began to run out of bright ideas what else to add to the list…

10. Regular and consistent work-out to keep body fit.

Me: Since my commute to work is too simple and repeatable (car & underground) and work is sedentary, this makes a necessity. Dance classes once a week, swimming pool once a week and twenty minutes of exercise a day (yet not every day) do their bit, yet I feel it is not enough.

11. Healthy food: time to abandon junk food and the likes.

Me: Never been fond of McDonald’s / kebab-style eateries, yet eating out in town or buying ready meals from catering door-to-door company is not the most commendable form of nutrition. Maybe time to learn to cook something more complicated and begin to prepare lunches to work on one’s own?

12. Taking care of one’s skin. Problems with acme are long gone, but wrinkles being to appear.

Me: A piece of advice aimed rather at females, yet I use a liquid and a gel for face skin if I am to confess.

13. Taking responsibility of one’s deeds is how a mature man behaves…

Me: Obviously.

14. Décor of one’s room / flat which does not resemble a teenager’s room.

Me: I parted with this part of décor in room when my parents and I moved to NI when I was 16…

15. Splurging money at painting the town red. Going out to town from time to time is okay, but not every day.

Me: See comment to point #7. Plus… Roaming around town once in blue moon or more often, if one can afford it, is no evil.

16. Spend more time with family and care more about relatives.

Me: What I crave for is my own family. Of course, and especially as an only child, I will have to take care of my parents, yet not at the expense of personal life.

17. Minding the cleanness / tidiness at home as yet another proof of maturity.

Me: I dislike scruffiness, I do not feel at ease in messy interior. The question is whether it runs in genes or is an effect of upbringing…

18. Carrying things through… Once an adult sets about doing something, they strive to complete it, against all odds.

Me: Those who know me, know the answer…

19. An elephant’s memory is not a good advisor. The ability to forgive and rebuild tattered relationships is vital in adult life.

Me: My ambition is not to take umbrage nor to kick up a fuss, no matter how lousy circumstances are. Resentments, though sometimes inevitable, should stay in the darkest nooks and crannies of human minds. Yet forgive cannot always mean forget.

20. Taking care of your teeth…

Me: Again, needless to say… What a truism…

21. Start saving… Setting up a savings account or a pension plan seem reasonable…

Me: See points #7 and #15

22. Age awareness. Turning 30 should prompt you to act your age, live consciously, yet live it up!

Me: Sometimes it seems I go over the top in this respect and if I rejuvenated myself, I would be better off. Youth after all is not behind me.

For some reasons, the list could have been supplemented with many other points reflect expectation a society has towards people aged around 30. And for some reasons, they have not been put on the list. The author has not mentioned getting married, having children, finding a permanent job or moving out of parents’ dwelling. Had the two former been listed, boundaries of an individual’s privacy would have been encroached upon. If finding a spouse is often a matter of luck or being out of luck while more and more people for biological reasons cannot have children, urging people to do something about it would be out of place. While in the era of junk contracts, commanding young people to make career and set up own households might indicate the author is out of touch…

I only wonder why turning 30 has been set as milestone for the end of carefree youth? If formally one becomes adult at the age of 18 and many people fly the nest shortly thereafter to begin studies away from home and often need to fend for themselves, why 30? Indeed, the age at which people do something about their lives increased in the recent decades but has the omnipresent cult of youth done the job? Is the fear of entering adulthood (or rather taking responsibilities) here to blame? Or is it just a simple desire to remain young as long as possible? And, after all, why cannot the words: young, responsible, mature, go together?