I have moved in

Finally back in Ursynów and in my own, not rented dwelling. Still getting to grips with the accompanying mess (especially given first guests pay me a visit today in late afternoon), so just signalling I'm alive and doing well (despite tiredness).

The Luck Factor – book review

Read from cover to cover the book which came into my hands as an unbidden borrowing from a friend. I tend to be sceptical towards all sorts of happiness guides, coaching, personal development and other forms of inducing and teaching people to change their ways to let them become happier. The Luck Factor might fall into the category of guides, yet by no means it is pushy. The author who shares results of his many-years’ (scientific) work attempts to persuade readers while they’re chasing their luck what they get from the world is a reciprocation of what they give to the world.

The first impression I had while going through the first chapter was that the book could not have been written by a Pole. A beneficiary of good luck, as the author asserts, is generally trustful to the world and other people. Poles whose mistrust is strongly embedded in the process of upbringing are definitely not given a head start in the pursuit of happiness, which appears easier in an open, friendly, inter-connected culture, rather than when one functions in an atomised society. On the other hand, the Anglo-saxon culture, which prohibits grumbling and appreciates a grim on one’s face no matter what happens has a built-in insincerity, good for superficial business relationships, not necessarily apposite for building candid friendships.

The saying (hey, who’s come up with this, as when I googled the phrase the only outcome was from my own blog?) Luck is an opportunity not missed best summarises the purport of the book. Life, as Mr Wiseman points out, is a string of opportunities, created by people, situations, often being coincidences. What humans can do in a pursuit of good luck is to:

1/ maximise the number of opportunities,

2/ discern opportunities as the appear on their way,

3/ make best use of them.

So although sometimes the only explanation of a course of events is that it has all been written in the stars, control over overwhelming majority of situations which might have impact on our lives stays in our hands. To illustrate it with an example, look back on my adventure from June this year.

1/ It happened to me because I attended a conference – the more social events you take part in, the more people you meet, the more opportunities appear on your way.

2/ It is debatable whether I recognised the opportunity since I did not notice the woman with a suitcase, but as she approached me, the opportunity was just ahead of me.

3/ I have not made the possibly best use of it, since in a rush I didn’t take my business card, had no piece of paper to write my phone number on and thought it would have been inappropriate to ask the woman for a phone number. Of course, had I done all this right, there was no guarantee I would have met for example me future wife. Actually, odds I would have done it were negligibly low in this one situation, but with frequent exposure to such situations chances of meeting somebody I would spend the rest of my life increase.

This regularity pertains to all realms of life, not just romantic relationships. In simple words, the more occasions to search you create, the more likely you are to find!

The Luck Factor contains several other foregone conclusions; none of them is ground-breaking, but they seem to deserve to be reminded.

You won’t fool nor get around maths. An experiment in which groups people who considered themselves lucky and ill-fated bought lottery tickets proved the former had the same probability of winning.

Optimism and pessimism in life underpin self-fulfilling prophecy mechanism. If you believe you will make it, you recognise factors and circumstances conducive to the positive outcome. Conversely, if you are convinced you won’t make, you seek out things that might go wrong and they come into the foreground.

Lucky people are open to new experiences and fear of rejection does not keep them company. Or actually they overcome the natural fear of rejection. Being turned away more or less often is an indispensable element of relationships and life, but since the law of large numbers holds true, the more attempts you make, the less likely to be rejected all the time you are.

Intuition probably has higher utility than common sense. As research by Mr Wiseman shows, everyone is bestowed with intuition, but bad-luck-ridden fellows rarely listen to their intuition and disregard whispers of it. I would add intuition is somehow related to experience we garner over our lifetime. The more people we meet, the more complex our interactions with them are, the more choice we have make, the richer our intuition grows.

Lucky guys do not push their luck, as this is the shortest path towards losing it. Drivers who have considered themselves lucky not to have an accident pledged to have avoided accidents thanks to their prudence, caution and not playing with fire. Never take your luck for granted, foster it if you want it to keep you company!

Beware reader! Luck ought not to be mistaken for happiness (in Polish both terms translate as szczęście). The two not necessarily go together. The former might exist without the latter, the other way round, though hardly imaginable, is also possible. Happiness is about expectations – if you expect little (but not too little) you are more likely to be happy with what you have!

Got up and tried

Sometimes to understand the present, you have to go back in time.

9 June 2010, the penultimate day of my penultimate exam period at SGH, also the day when awards in the 15th edition of “Grasz o Staż” contest were handed… Four months earlier, at the beginning of the penultimate semester of my studies, I decided to change the English class group, to attend the class run by the definitely the best teacher I’ve ever had. There I met Natalia (name, as usually, changed). We talked with each other very few times, but it could be felt there was a chemistry between us. As students we last talked on 9 June 2010, just after our final exam in English; we stared at each other’s eyes and yes, I knew what I should have done then… I felt some kind of affection for her, but I didn’t care much. I was a fool at that stupid stage of my life when career was the overriding goal. I was in a hurry for the “Grasz o Staż” banquet when she asked me to tap my phone number into her handset. I keyed in the number, but didn’t bother to press the green button to have her number displayed on my phone, and then dashed off. That’s how and why we wouldn’t see each other ever after.

I began to realise how mean it was many months later, after the internship, the hectic period of combing work and studying and shake-down at the current position. I settled down at work, achieved something and began to see the light, began to recognise different values are more important than building career, finally began to regret. But soon later I met Her and drowned out my regrets, I even thought things went the right way, otherwise I’d have hurt Natalia. Then what I’d put my faith in fell into pieces and when it was crystal clear there were even no pieces to pick up, the wasted chance began to haunt me more and more often.

You can’t turn back time and make up for the wrong you’ve once done, but whenever there’s a least little chance why not try to start over?

I was down in the dumps after my 25th birthday. The sorrow was not brought about by the very moment of passing by the quarter-of-century milestone, but on account of it being accompanied by awakening ghosts of the past months, bringing back pleasant (still, with hindsight) and unpleasant memories. Could it be the time to make an attempt to raise the dead?

I’d been talking about Natalia with my colleague several times. I’d told her Natalia vanished into the air and nobody knew what she was doing (strange, isn’t it?). My colleague suggested I should go an extra mile and harness search engine to go on a more extensive lookout with several combinations of keywords. 10 minutes later I learnt Natalia works in a small accountancy firm in a building 200 metres from away from my office. Truth be told I wasn’t particularly eager to make use of that knowledge, but my colleague insisted I marched there right away and met with her.

Life without spontaneity is… well, hollow. Ten minutes later I was putting the half-baked plan into practice. The search went very smoothly. Assistant at reception desk told me where exactly her office was located and did not make any troubles to let me in. When I entered her room, Natalia was out in a kitchen for a while. She was very positively “shocked” at the sight of me. I asked her out for a coffee, we had a nice chat, she gave me her phone number, my impression was very positive, yet slightly tainted by alertness of shock Natalia was overcoming…

Over the next days her enthusiasm was fading very quickly. She was either very busy at work or, then ill (just like me), then I decided to ease up and let her accustom to my unexpected stepping-in. Her hesitation or reluctance and shyness began to put me off. I ended up spending New Year’s Eve with someone else. With her approach this relationship had to chance to develop.

On 3 January, just like over two weeks earlier, I went to her building, called her and asked to come down. After exchange of pleasantries she began to quiver and look down. I found her behaviour kind of disturbing and realising she was trying to tell me something I encouraged her to stutter it out.

Natalia: You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot since our meeting before Christmas and… you’ve made an enormous effort to find me, so I suppose you might have some clear expectations towards me and I don’t want you to hold out much hopes…

Bartek: After not seeing you for more than two years, I could have found you being with someone else and did consider this when trying to find you, but when we met, you told me that…

N: I remember, when you asked how I was doing, my reply started with a declaration “I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have a fiancé, I’m not married”…

B: So actually you have somebody…?

N: Well, formally we are not together… This is… a cupboard love

B: (the whole situation seemed kind of funny to me) It sounds serious.

N: It’s a very serious feeling towards an older, mature man.

B: (I could barely help my jaw dropping open, but responded in a serious manner) Maybe it would be worthwhile to do something about it?

Natalia just pulled a face and flushed…

During our conversation I found it all hilarious, several minutes later I found it pitiful, at the end of that day – dreadful. Natalia is turning 27 in three weeks. How can a woman of that age live on daydreams and delusions. A woman of that age if she declares she wants to have a family and bring up children should try to build a real relationship. If she doesn’t change, she stands no chance to turn her life around. I could go on about this for several paragraphs, but this is not a place to take apart someone’s broken psyche. I simply feel sorry for her.

But I don’t take pity on myself. Didn’t care, didn’t hurt (nie zależało – nie zabolało). To be frank, it did hurt a bit, as nobody likes being turned away. I could only be better off and had nothing to lose, unlike in the previous case we are fully separated from each other (no hear since the hapless meeting), so this chapter is closed. I’m glad to have seen the end before it began. And I’m particularly happy to have done something which could have been a good material for a script of a romantic film (maybe the one with a happy ending), something spontaneous and memorable. At least I won’t revert to memories of her, won’t ask myself if it could go on a different way, won’t wonder whether there is a chance to revive it.

This illustrates a recipe for living. Make sure you do whatever is possible to seize all opportunities you might have. And don’t let a situation when you regret not doing something happen.

Got up and tried. The bubble burst, I’m not on my knees, but not feel like trying, although I know I probably should (a classmate from primary school) is chasing me up to go out together and I know if I’m not about to miss it, I should get in touch with her soon, but to be honest I totally don’t feel like trying… Unsettling? Should I let some time pass?

Rozmowa z aniołem stróżem

It’s a transcript of a fictional conversation between my guardian angel and me. Most questions he is asking are the ones I have recently asked myself, most prompted by talks with several affable people who helped me realise I’m in a dead-end street and need to turn back…

I would like to say particular thanks to:

1) my colleague and soulmate Martyna, who for obvious reasons doesn’t know about the existence of this blog and who, in a surge of over-optimism about my odds to win, encouraged me to fight the losing battle,

2) my friend Ola, who by asking one fundamental question made me sure this is not love and has never been (fortunately),

3) fellow blogger Michael, for a gee-up to keep up the blog and instilling strength in me the moment I was faltering – thanks to him this is the first post since many weeks written out of pure inspiration, just like in times when I was at my best as a blogger.

Starring: Guardian Angel (GA), Bartek (B)

GA: So you confessed this accursed affection is a why and wherefore of how you have felt over the past months. You thought it would have to get better, you wanted to break away, you promised yourself to keep away from her and…

B: Promises are made to be broken… But she desperately needed me then and I’d have gone to hell and back to give her relief. I don’t know if I regret it. You know how torn I am…

GA: It’s long gone too far. You need to answer a few fundamental questions to at least partly comprehend what has happened. I won’t help you find your way around the whole state of affairs, but I’ll try to help you understand what you feel. We both know you’re unhappy without her, but… would you be happy with her?

B: Errr…

GA: Remember the corporate booze-up in late August? You got tanked up and began to flirt with your fifteen years older married colleague.

B: Are you reproaching me over flirting with her? This was just fun…

GA: I’d rather examine this later, you simplify the issue, it wasn’t fun, it was an escape. Anyway, you said you wouldn’t expect your wife to wash your socks, iron your shirts, clean the house, you’d make to do with a woman who’d be your best friend and who'd support you if you were in need.

B: I wasn’t tanked up yet at that moment, but indeed I meant what I said.

GA: So do you think she’s ever been your friend, has she ever been interested in your troubles when you’ve been in need? You were her shoulder to cry on when things were going bad, you knew the taste of her tears, but the hell did you see her smile when she was joyful?

B: The truth is bitter…

GA: There is the point. I won’t be gentle now and remind you one Friday from this June. You had fever of 39 degrees and took antibiotics after which you should not drive. Despite your parents’ begging you got into the car and drove to Warsaw to see her. She didn’t even notice your presence and when you approached her she, unlike other people, told you to back away. Do you remember how you felt then, how your parents feared? Should I remind you the yelling phases or other moments you’d probably wish to forget?

B: Do you want to these wounds to heal? Or are you trying make it ache even worse?

GA: I only want to show you how suffused with bitterness you are. There’s been too much pain along the way that time won’t erase it. Plus note one more thing. She’s not the same girl you met over a year ago…

B: Well, that’s a paradox, if I’m unhappy without her and I wouldn’t be happy with her, then I’m trapped, devoid of chance for happiness. Maybe that’s not over…

GA: Let’s check. But be honest. What was the happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Those days when we were so close together…

GA: And what was the second happiest moment over the last quarter?

B: Thejourney to Olsztyn for the wedding…

GA: Why?

B: Actually maybe because I had a chance not to think about her. I did think about her several times but my thoughts were drowned out…

GA: What do you feel when you’re beside her?

B: Anything but pleasure and ease…

GA: What do you feel when you’re away from her?

B: Relief…

GA: Am I not hitting the nail in the head. You feel better you’re apart than together. Let’s face the truth, look how you behave, you take every opportunity to lengthen the distance between you, you make use of every excuse to escape her. You turn your eyes away not to see her… Automatic stabilisers of your psyche run at full steam to keep you sane…

B: You sly psychoanalyst…

GA: So you can’t deny it. What happens with you is a classic example of defence mechanism turning on. There’s nothing to worry about. Imagine you drive a car and see an obstacle coming onto your way. Your naturally want to avoid a collision. In the case of human psyche it works the same way – you naturally avoid situations which could cause you pain. This prevents you from going insane. Recall your recent indifference about her…

B: Hang on, I don’t feel comfortable with that indifference.

GA: But you prefer to be indifferent and even kick yourself for that. It’s less painful than any emotional commitment that would sooner or later wound you.

B: You can say that again, I’d rather stay stone-cold than burn, as I used to.

GA: Good you mentioned it, look at yourself, there’s almost nothing left to burn. You’re already so burnt-out that you couldn’t take pleasure in being with her. Don’t burn any more, unless you want to burn down. Save what is best in you someone who’d deserve it, for somebody who’d be your best friend and supporter.

B: I’m not aflame, but still something’s smouldering inside me. Do you know my mind is cleansing itself, but my heart, it literally aches…

GA: After all I’m your guardian angel, I know when and how it aches. There is a breaking point at which the pain gets physical.

B: Breaking point? I’d rather wait for a turning point, if I fell so low, I’d like to bottom out. What’s going to happen next?

GA: Firstly, sorrow which overwhelms you is not a feeling which should be fostered and definitely not something you should flaunt.

B: But what about her?

GA: Bite the bullet on it. Don’t let all the bitterness overcome you. Don’t think about separating yourself from her. Show she’s going to knock you down, make yourself a winner. Demonstrate manly fortitude in the face of adversity! Don’t break down, break away! Give yourself time and you’ll get over it.

B: Once I thought I would follow that path, but I went astray, the whole plan went down the drain…

GA: Now it’s less likely to happen, yet not improbable. Your defence mechanisms protect you from giving in again, but I don’t know what circumstances in the future will be. There might be a situation when your defence mechanisms turn off. I have no idea whether you’d come out of it burnt and bruised or elated. But if it happens, don’t expect me to hold you back. You fate lies in your hands… My time’s up, I’ll be pushing along…

B: Well, thanks my angel. Anything you’d like to add?

GA: Remember you have a lot to lose. I know these goings-on involve negative emotions you need to give vent to, but remember…

Don’t drive aggressively as you did recently – you haven’t had any accident and may it stay so, the aftermaths of a collision are not only about smashed-up vehicles, you can damage someone’s health or take away someone’s life.

Be careful at work. You’re recognised, received accolades, people respect and appreciate you, so don’t let any lapse of concentration cause you to make egregious errors and don’t let anyone suspect what you feel.

Look at the bright side of this affection. It has made you stronger, it has toughened you up, you’ve grown in self-confidence, risen to many challenges, did well in extremely difficult situations, but beware – what you’d do was often dicey and you were always in the luck not to fall into troubles (often to protect her), so don’t repeat it.

Don’t overkill. A man should be tough when necessary and soft, if circumstances require it. Don’t wipe away the softness you’ll need to demonstrate one day

Don’t try to do stupid things to allay the pain at any price. Relief would be temporary and that time around you may seriously hurt someone else or harm yourself.

And foster your friendships. Those very people who proved recently how much they care for your happiness deserve your attention, time and emotions. Meet them, do them small pleasures, share their joys and keep the company when they feel down. And hold your head up, may your good mood rub off on other people. Smile to the world and the world will smile back to you…

The end...

With hindsight the post looks like a self-humiliation, but I'm not ashamed of it.