While writing about the two previous romantic relationships, I kept track of ups and down we had had. When it comes to the ongoing one, in place since July 2022, no coverage of crises can be found here. I realised it recently, but cannot come up with the idea, why the numerous tribulations along the way have not been committed to the blog. I believe my friends have absorbed my squirts of emotions and what was talked over did not have to be put in writing to be gotten over.
One post inspired by a quarrel with my girlfriend was the one on the tendency to put things back. Today I detest procrastination even more after nearly a year of living under one roof.
Are we a perfect match? From scratch I could have doubts if we hit it off despite stark dissimilarities which at the beginning seemed unsurmountable, but eventually I decided to give it a try, making allowances for my negative perception, potentially skewed by a depression episode ongoing then.
We had our first crises still in 2022, including the most serious one in late November 2022. The notion was we were worlds apart. Then we began negotiations - a lawyer and a banker sat for nearly ten hours and brought their worlds together for a while. During those long conversations we have set some rules, yet divergences remain outstanding including some serious ones.
1. Children - I would prefer to have two, she at first considered remaining childless as a primary option, then persuaded herself to become a mother, yet to an only child. I realise she will be pregnant for nine months and by dint of pure biology she will be an infant's primary caretaker, therefore now the consensus is to have one child and then decide if we want a second one. I recently read the major cause of poor demographics are not childless people, but those sticking to one child only. How true...
2. Attitude towards money - I am rather thrifty, think twice before spending money and easily sacrifice current consumption to save for durable goods. With my minimalism I also make do without stuff which brings other people joy. She does not throw money about, has substantial savings, has never had debts other than already repaid mortgage, but on the other hand, she spends money with far bigger ease than me and at times holds it against me and accuses me of tight-fistedness.
3. Priorities in life - for me family, duties, helping others, work, spending time outdoors. For her - carefree life, work, sport, then family, but with a reservation she needs time for herself.
4. The daily life - for me business before pleasure. Duties need to be handled without further ado, once they get done, I can relax. I appreciate doing things on my own, like order and cleanliness. She fosters time to rest, while duties can wait and if possible, should be pushed aside.
Given the above there is a gap between us, yet there are couples who carry on broadly happily despite such differences. With similarities life is easier, with dissimilarities, there is room for complementing each other.
Should we split up? At such age (I'm turning 37 in December) it is not easy to find a reasonable woman, therefore the decision is between living a lonely, peaceful life and ups and downs of raising a family, any family. As I look around I see many people who have compromised and spend lives with companions anything but ideal. On the other hand, the major cause of divorces in Poland is not infidelity, nor violence, nor addictions, but a "mismatch of characters", a wide term used when couples are sick and tired of unsuccessful attempts to get on with each other.
I often wake up to ask myself whether I am living my life, whether I have not allowed by girlfriend to shape my life beyond the boundaries of my comfort and reasonable concessions inevitable in a relationship. I have fully embraced looking after a dog, which was a brand new experience to me. But her attempts to teach me to like lavishness or fancy eating have gone in vain. On Thursday I read a joke. What combo of factors is a frequent story behind a divorce? He did not change the way she wanted, but she has changed not the way he wanted. So true...
As we had a good streak during the summer, I planned to buy a diamond ring and pop the question during the trip to the USA. For health-related reasons none of the above plans has been followed out. With current ups and downs and uncertainty regarding future I have put those plans on hold. But back in August I told my friends at such age and after such relationship duration a man is faced with take-it-or-leave it dilemma.
On Monday I had a frank conversation with my parents. I broke the rule relationship tribulations should not be talked over with relatives. They have not had many opportunities to look at us, but turned out to be surprisingly insightful. Nothing new has been said then, but it occurred to me I have made a lot of mistakes in terms of not being assertive enough and not striking a balance between giving and taking. At such stage it might be difficult to make up for those mistakes, but after all, if we have built so much together, maybe instead of pulling it down, let's try to fix it.
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